Down among the dead men.An unofficial guide to Div 1

As it appears Wolves are intent on pressing the self destruct button yet again this season and consign us fans to a season(or two/three/four ad infinitum...)in Div 1. I thought i'd publish an early guide to life with the lower orders for those fans who've never been this far down the league structure before...

Bournemouth---On the South Coast so a nice trip to the seaside for the beer belly hoards to soak up some much needed sun.Bournemouth is the land of Political Conferences,Retired OAP's and disenfranchised Scousers...

Brentford---A likable West London club for once.Famous for having a pub at each corner of the ground,Griffin Park.An ideal opportunity to do a short pub crawl whilst the game's going on...

Bury---Birthplace of The Neville Brothers,and indeed the Neville Sister.Bury is just north of Manchester in the Greater Borough of Manchester,But they probably don't want to be reminded of this very often...If you want to sound like a local call it "Burry" not "Berry".Either way we'll probably have to wait a season to play them as they're going down to Div 2...

Carlisle---The longest trip for many Wolves fans which no doubt means the fixture list will have us playing there on a January Tuesday night.Cold,wet and windy,but that's enough about the summers in Carlisle.Don't call the locals Jocks or Geordies or mention Nuclear reactor meltdowns...

Colchester----Once the Roman capital of Britain now a town full of battle hardened Squaddies with scores to settle...Have moved into a new ground since Layer Rd was deemed too squalid/quaint* to host League football.Incase any Wolves can't locate a map of the UK it's in Essex.Which is all you need to know...*Delete as applicable

Coventry----Last time i went to the Ricoh Arena was to see The Specials,which in truth,is probably more fun than either of these two teams can muster between them.At least it'll give Robbie Keane & Stephen Frogget a chance to not celebrate a goal by either team...Be warned Wolves fans the ground is actually closer to Nuneaton than it is to Coventry.Ex Wolf Leon Clarke plays for Cov but will probably have left and played for a further five clubs by the time we meet...

Crawley---No sorry,no idea.It's down south somewhere...

Crewe----If you're a trainspotting type you'll know all about Crewe.It's got a station,a bloody big station at that.Infact Crewe is one big station with a football ground attached....

Doncaster----Donny will probably replace us in the Championship next season---That's the thanks we get for taking Saunders off them---But if not be nice to them as their fans are good people...Despite being where Jeremy Clarkson was born...

Hartlepool---Another team we won't face for a season as they're going down.Affectionately known as The Monkey Hangers,but that's enough of Jeff Stelling's sex life.Again like Carlisle they're not Geordies.Not quite sure what they are to be honest...

Leyton Orient----My local Derby so i'd better be careful.Especially as i know a lot of O's fans.The ground is a short bus ride from the Olympic Park and the other side of the tracks to the famous Hackney Marshes so if you're bored of the game book a pitch and have a knockabout yourself.Be sure to compliment West Ham when conversing with an O's fan...You'll have a friend for life...

MK----All football fans know the story so no need to go into that here.Never been to the ground but i'm betting it's a souless lump of concrete on some godforsaken industrial estate with no pubs...My advice is get fueled up in Wolves then direct train to Milton Keynes.Not forgetting to hit the train buffet on the way...

Notts County---Lovely city Nottingham as many Wolves fan discovered yesterday.Oldest club in the country blah blah blah.Don't have the odious Lee Hughes playing for them anymore so i suppose it's ok to not be too bothered about them...

Oldham----The coldest ground this side of the Arctic Circle.Like Bury it's really part of Manchester as the locals will happily concur...Take mittens,even in August...

Portsmouth---May well be in Div 2 soon to celebrate years of honest toil trying to evade paying tax and general judicial financial housekeeping.Unlike Bournemouth there are no beaches in Pompey.Just Seagulls with bowel problems...

Preston----Yet another Lancashire club---Not in Manchester honest----One of the old great names in English football along with Wolves,as i'm pretty sure won't be mentioned at all when we meet...Easy to get to.Direct train from Wolverhampton.If you wake up in Glasgow you've gone too far...

Scunthorpe----Lincolnshire's premier club.No really...A tight little ground that only holds about 6,000 so book early to avoid disappointment.Tomorrow will do...Scunthorpe is between Doncaster and Grimsby,but it's not as exotic as it sounds...

Sheffield Utd----Will probably get promoted so no point in banging on about them.We know them well enough anyway.If we do play them though sing plenty of songs in praise of Carlos Tevez...

Shrewsbury----They like to think of themselves as our posh neighbours.Got a new ground since the last one was last seen heading out of the Bristol Channel into the Atlantic...Sort of Telford with Tudor buildings...

Stevenage----Wolves fans will have to go into the heart of Spurs country as Stevenage is for those Spurs fans too rich to live in Tottenham.If the timings right and we play them near the start of the season just stay over from Knebworth after camping out to see One Direction...

Swindon----Roundabouts....Confusing roundabouts...That's all that Swindon has to offer now that XTC have given up performing.Now that Everybody's favourite Fascist Di Canio has resigned expect to A) Get drenched in the away end and B) a disappointing 0-0...

Tranmere---Another team we may not face owing to them actually winning games of football,unlike Wolves.Tranmere is NOT,i repeat NOT in Liverpool.It's Birkenhead.Which is apparently much posher than Liverpool though you would'nt know it.Myself and some fellow Wolves fans were once propositioned by a gaggle of granny prostitutes in a Birkenhead bar after a game there...

Walsall---Ah yes our big local Black Country derby.As all Wolves fans know Walsall hate us with a passion whereas our indifference to them is palpable...Might even break their home attendance when we play them.BTW their record attendance was when The Wonder Stuff played there...

Yeovil----Never been but if the rest of Somerset is anything to go by then i expect many Wolves fans to become casualties of drinking the local Cider which has the strength of Sheep Dip but without the pleasing taste on the palette...

Bubbling under
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I have'nt included our fellow departees from the Championship as we know all about them.However there are some teams coming up Wolves fan may not know about;

Gillingham---A town in Kent.A bugger to get to and a horrible little ground.Saw Matt Jarvis score against us there.
Port Vale---Stoke without electricity.The local's still point at Planes.Have the aforementioned odious Lee Hughes playing for them...

Burton-----Quaint little market town in Derbyshire.Brew beer and play in Gold(ish) & Black.What's not to like?

Northampton----Known as the Cobblers.Have Ade Akinfenwa playing for them so Big fat Cobblers...

So that's my unofficial guide to Div 1 for those not lucky enough to have experienced the joys of it before...

Hard time killing floor.Wolves get the Blues...

Times are tough down Molineux way.Infact times have been tough for a while now and things don't look like changing for a while yet...

On May 22nd 2011 Wolves stayed in the premiership by a goal scored in the 87th minute.It was a fantastic achievement to stay in the top league with what was effectively a scratch squad.Many of our points that season were gained against teams in the top echelon's of English football in what were in-your-face displays.In time honoured fashion the moneyed stars of the Premiership did'nt like it up em'

However against the so called lesser lights of the division we did'nt fare so well.They were prepared to scrap for every point as much as we were and we were found wanting.That should have been our first clue...

Many thought the season after would be easier.Not only because the players had done so well and were more used to what was needed.It was also true that most (Including myself) believed both Swansea & Norwich were shoe-in's for relegation.There was only one place to avoid to stay in the division...Easy peasy.

We have a term in Britain.It's "Punching above your weight" Usually it's applied to blokes who look like me copping off with an attractive woman but in this case it applied to the wolves players during that 2010/11 season.And how...As it transpired we were punching above our weight so much it was like The Elephant Man dating Kylie Minogue...

It's one thing for the fans to believe we were only needing to avoid one position to stay up but the club seemed to believe it too.We basically kept the same group of players for the next campaign.In hindsight we should have made wholesale changes and bought in players of superior skill.We did'nt and we're paying for it now...

Much has been spoken about our position now--Bottom three of Championship--and why we're there and who's to blame but i see we're primarily in the deep do do now because of our reticence in offloading players who were clearly punching above their weight,which can only last for a limited period before reality bites,and our conceit in thinking at least two of the teams promoted the next season would be pushovers...

The day after we survived by effectively one goal the changes should have been put into action.Most other clubs would have done so.We rested on our Laurels and the Chickens are now coming home to roost.(excuse the excessive cliches)

Apparently our then manager,Mick McCarthy knew this and went to the CEO with a list of players he thought would do the job for Wolves to keep us up but negotiations were not sanctioned by the Owner Steve Morgan.I tend to believe this as McCarthy is a football man and knows every team needs changing for the better.Damn,if Barca,Real Madrid,Man utd et al need to improve their squad then Wolves sure as hell do!

So nearly two years on we are left with the rump of the same squad that have barely won a game in that time and there's such a malaise within the club it's hard to see where the next win's coming from...Like last season the fans are now going from anger to piss taking of the antics on show...We're going down with a wimper...

...Many of our fans have never seen us in the third tier of English football and it may come as a bit of a culture shock for some after the rarified air of high society that is the Premiership.The fans can take it,we're a resilient lot, but can the club?