Up until a few weeks ago not many people in Britain had heard of the Quenelle.Now after West Brom's Nicolas Anelka celebrated his opening goal against West Ham adopting the Quenelle pose---a straight arm inverted Fascistic salute with the other arm coming across the shoulder---we're all more aware of it.
But what is it and what does it mean?
The origins are from a French comic called Dieudonne M'bala M'bala and he says that the Quenelle is an anti establishment signal,not anything to do with being anti-Semite. Maybe it started out that way however by 2009 he was using it to promote an anti-Zionist party in the elections----I know anti-Zionism is'nt anti-Semite per sa,but it's certainly going down the same track---Since then it's been appropriated by every right wing nut, and those pathetic saps who just like to shock without consideration,in France by posing for photo opportunities doing the Quenelle in front of Synagogues',Anne Frank's house and,most disturbingly, Auschwitz.
M'bala has done nothing to quell this ugly display of crass insensitivity,or downright antisemitism.Indeed he appears to revel in it,still saying it's anti establishment...
It's gone too far away from any pretence about it's origins now.Even if it did begin life as a jokey "up yours" to their rulers---which i doubt---Everyone knows what it means now.Show anyone a Swastika and they don't think of it as a Hindu symbol used for thousands of years in their worship.They think of the murderous Nazi's.The same is now true of the Quenelle...
What of West Brom's sponsors Zoopla? The company chose to issue a press release yesterday stating they will end their sponsorship owing to Anelka's gesture.Understandable as the company's co owner is Jewish.However why wait a month to register their disgust? Why not cut the ties totally now rather than wait till the end of the season,especially as their sponsorship is due to end then anyway?
My cynicism has been further fueled by the timing of the break with the club.It seems they waited till the whole of the spotlight was on West Brom with a televised Monday night game to announce it.Yes they were disgusted by Anelka's apparent anti-Semitism but not until the opportunity arose to get a shed load of free publicity.A month being outraged...Zoopla said they were waiting to see what West Brom did before making a decision.Sorry but it was obvious what West Brom would do...Nothing
Talking of which:West Brom are just like any other club in this regard.Excellent at playing the PR game when it comes to the local community ---very laudable---but when real issues pop up involving one of their star players they're found to be as morally bankrupt as any other football club.
This is not a dig at our rivals down the road...It's a dig at all of football.The game's littered with those who sully the image.From the downright stupid to the crass and even,thankfully rare,to those that have killed.Yet how many have been drummed out of the game due to their misdemeanors'?
The truth is all clubs will retain the services of their players for as long as they're useful no matter how they behave.Morality 0 Pragmatism 1 In the rare event a club does do the decent thing and jettison a malcontent there's always a queue waiting to sign him up...
Personally i don't think anyone has come out of this sorry saga very well...
Tuesday 21 January 2014
Sunday 19 January 2014
Millwall V Ipswich.Into the belly of the beast...
Nothing fills a North London boy with a sense of trepidation much more than a trip over the Thames to South London for a football game,especially when that trip means going to the borough of Bermondsey to attend a game at Millwall FC.
As the Wolves game was called off we were at a loss football wise so decided to pop down to the Den.Primarily because the contest had a few Wolves connections with Keogh playing for Millwall and Ipswich boasting Berra,Hunt,SEB,Edwards and Managed by McCarthy & Conner.Also the only other game in London we could get tickets for was Palace V Stoke.It was Hobson's Choice really...
Millwall has a reputation of being the nasiest place to visit for a football game if you're a supporter of the hosts opponents,it's not a reputation that's without a certain foundation over the years.When i have been to the Den following Wolves in the past i've always felt that the policing is partly at fault here.Instead of allowing away fans to leave at the same time as the home fans,they corral visiting supporters at the back of the North Stand for about half hour which leaves those Millwall fans who want a pop at their counterparts time to gather waiting for the police escort to take away fans to the end of Zampa Rd---Which also features a Victorian rail bridge straight out of central casting for a "Jack the Ripper" movie which only adds to the foreboding----inexplicably the police then usually decide to call a halt to the escort so that the away fans are then left to their own devices.Think of The Running Man crossed with The Hunger Games...
You could say Millwall is old school...
Millwall is also predominantly local.These days many fans will travel great distances to go to a home game at the club they support,mainly due to a few decades of families moving away from their point of origin but continuing to support their "home" club as a link to their heritage.However as far as i can ascertain many Millwall fans are born & bred in Bermondsey and will remain in the area until they shuffle off this mortal coil...A local club for local people.
After several pints around London Bridge we decided to get a cab to the ground owing to the train from London Bridge to South Bermondsey being split up by the three little words all train passengers dread,namely "Bus replacement service"
Arriving at the Den i did'nt feel any of the slight dread i normally would whilst walking to the ground,mainly because to all intents and purpose i was a Millwall fan for the day and was comfortable being surrounded by Millwall fans---Not a sentence i would normally utter---It was a slightly surreal feeling for me and to add to the weirdness we bumped into a quartet of Pearly Kings & Queens.A photo opportunity not to be missed...
A right to do and no mistake Guv'nor...Cor blimey
Millwall are down near the bottom of the Championship and in very clear danger of demotion down to Division One,hence a change of manage recently.Ian Holloway has taken over and this was his first game in front of his home fans.A win was badly needed...By contrast Ipswich are reviving under former Wolves duo McCarthy & Conner,arriving at the Den in a highly credible tenth place,pushing for the play offs...
It was hard to tell what their respective positions were as the game wore on however,Millwall were by far the better team,pressing the Ipswich midfield into mistakes and attacking with purpose,it was only the lack of a confident goalscorer that kept the game tight...
Ipswich were woeful,resorting to hoofing the ball forward to an ineffective strikeforce.At the heart of the Millwall defence the imperious Danny Shittu mopped up everything Ipswich threw at him.Been a long time since i have seen such a commanding performance from a centre half...
In keeping with what was a pretty scrappy game the only goal of the day came when Fredricks out on Millwall's right aimed a terrible cross into the box which was going nowhere till it landed in the corner of the net...Apart from a little spell either side of half time Ipswich never looked capable of getting anything from the game.
As for Millwall if they can keep up the spirit & workrate---a given under Holloway---and be a bit more composed in front of goal i can see them getting out of trouble...Funnily enough i saw a fair bit of Kenny Jackett's influence in their midfield play.After all many of these players played under him for years.
It was interesting hearing the conversations around me...They seem pleased with Holloway and equally chuffed that they may be playing West Ham next season...I did'nt ask anyone about Wolves!
All in all it was a good day.I did'nt feel intimidated at all---granted i was'nt sitting anywhere near Millwall's knuckledraggers---but chatted to some lads and never felt the need to hide my accent(or adopt a Dick Van Dyke)With a decent crowd of just over 12,000--way above their average this season---i was surprised that it was'nt noisier,i was hoping it would be a bit more raucous...
Anyhoo,we finished the night banging away a few more pints in London Bridge before going home.I enjoyed the day in the belly of the beast but truthfully would still rather have been at Crawley v Wolves...
As the Wolves game was called off we were at a loss football wise so decided to pop down to the Den.Primarily because the contest had a few Wolves connections with Keogh playing for Millwall and Ipswich boasting Berra,Hunt,SEB,Edwards and Managed by McCarthy & Conner.Also the only other game in London we could get tickets for was Palace V Stoke.It was Hobson's Choice really...
Millwall has a reputation of being the nasiest place to visit for a football game if you're a supporter of the hosts opponents,it's not a reputation that's without a certain foundation over the years.When i have been to the Den following Wolves in the past i've always felt that the policing is partly at fault here.Instead of allowing away fans to leave at the same time as the home fans,they corral visiting supporters at the back of the North Stand for about half hour which leaves those Millwall fans who want a pop at their counterparts time to gather waiting for the police escort to take away fans to the end of Zampa Rd---Which also features a Victorian rail bridge straight out of central casting for a "Jack the Ripper" movie which only adds to the foreboding----inexplicably the police then usually decide to call a halt to the escort so that the away fans are then left to their own devices.Think of The Running Man crossed with The Hunger Games...
You could say Millwall is old school...
Millwall is also predominantly local.These days many fans will travel great distances to go to a home game at the club they support,mainly due to a few decades of families moving away from their point of origin but continuing to support their "home" club as a link to their heritage.However as far as i can ascertain many Millwall fans are born & bred in Bermondsey and will remain in the area until they shuffle off this mortal coil...A local club for local people.
After several pints around London Bridge we decided to get a cab to the ground owing to the train from London Bridge to South Bermondsey being split up by the three little words all train passengers dread,namely "Bus replacement service"
Arriving at the Den i did'nt feel any of the slight dread i normally would whilst walking to the ground,mainly because to all intents and purpose i was a Millwall fan for the day and was comfortable being surrounded by Millwall fans---Not a sentence i would normally utter---It was a slightly surreal feeling for me and to add to the weirdness we bumped into a quartet of Pearly Kings & Queens.A photo opportunity not to be missed...
A right to do and no mistake Guv'nor...Cor blimey
Millwall are down near the bottom of the Championship and in very clear danger of demotion down to Division One,hence a change of manage recently.Ian Holloway has taken over and this was his first game in front of his home fans.A win was badly needed...By contrast Ipswich are reviving under former Wolves duo McCarthy & Conner,arriving at the Den in a highly credible tenth place,pushing for the play offs...
It was hard to tell what their respective positions were as the game wore on however,Millwall were by far the better team,pressing the Ipswich midfield into mistakes and attacking with purpose,it was only the lack of a confident goalscorer that kept the game tight...
Ipswich were woeful,resorting to hoofing the ball forward to an ineffective strikeforce.At the heart of the Millwall defence the imperious Danny Shittu mopped up everything Ipswich threw at him.Been a long time since i have seen such a commanding performance from a centre half...
In keeping with what was a pretty scrappy game the only goal of the day came when Fredricks out on Millwall's right aimed a terrible cross into the box which was going nowhere till it landed in the corner of the net...Apart from a little spell either side of half time Ipswich never looked capable of getting anything from the game.
As for Millwall if they can keep up the spirit & workrate---a given under Holloway---and be a bit more composed in front of goal i can see them getting out of trouble...Funnily enough i saw a fair bit of Kenny Jackett's influence in their midfield play.After all many of these players played under him for years.
It was interesting hearing the conversations around me...They seem pleased with Holloway and equally chuffed that they may be playing West Ham next season...I did'nt ask anyone about Wolves!
All in all it was a good day.I did'nt feel intimidated at all---granted i was'nt sitting anywhere near Millwall's knuckledraggers---but chatted to some lads and never felt the need to hide my accent(or adopt a Dick Van Dyke)With a decent crowd of just over 12,000--way above their average this season---i was surprised that it was'nt noisier,i was hoping it would be a bit more raucous...
Anyhoo,we finished the night banging away a few more pints in London Bridge before going home.I enjoyed the day in the belly of the beast but truthfully would still rather have been at Crawley v Wolves...
Thursday 16 January 2014
Half term report...sort of.
Twenty six games gone and things seem to be going well at Wolves.How are the players shaping up?
GK) Carl Ikeme; Been superb this season,commanding in the area and pulling off vital saves in tight matches.Currently out injured with a broken hand,presumably he saw Dean Saunders stealing a living on Sky Sports and punched the plasma screen...
GK)Wayne Hennessey: Was first choice for many years but has fallen out of favour with boss KJ. That coupled with his refusal to play in a recent game seems to be the green light for the boss to sell him either in January or during the summer...
GK)Aaron McCarey;19 year old goalie who was third choice a few weeks ago but suddenly finds himself in the first team.Made a nervous debut but settled himself down pretty quickly.Old head on young shoulders,as shown with some cleverly disguised timewasting v Preston.Looks a good prospect...
RB)Matt Doherty; Been out injured recently but possibly the most improved player on the books,been outstanding this season both defensively and going forward.Has grown up this last year both mentally and physically.A bit of a beast now...Even grown a Paul Breitner beard,not sure if he shares his affection for Chairman Mao though...
RB)Ethan Ebanks-Landell;Practically a clone of Doherty style wise.Tough in defence,exciting bombing forward.Has only made seven appearances but already grabbed two goals,many will have seen his cracker V Leyton Orient.Expect more Carlos Alberto type goals in the future...
RB)Kevin Foley; From being our most dependable player to barely making the match day squad in a couple of years.God knows what's happened to him but hardly gets on the bench these days...Expect him to leave soon.
CB)Danny Batth;Just signed a long term contract and all Wolves fans will be happy with that.Outstanding.Destined for big things...
CB)Richard Stearman;Finally finding his form after years of being played out of position at right back.Formed a good partnership with Batth.My only quibble is he sometimes gets caught out trying to play football.Franz Beckenbauer he is not...
LB)Sam Ricketts;Canny old timer.His experience has been invaluable helping to pull the young defence through tough patches this season.Was KJ's first signing and it's easy to see why.
LB)George Elokobi; Everyone loves George but unfortunately he's a disaster waiting to happen and i'll be shocked if he's still here next season.When his time comes i'll wish him well...
LB)Scott Golbourne;Grown into his role since signing earlier this season.Looking far more confident in defence.Like him a lot...Would like him more if he jettisoned that stupid streak in his hair...
M)Dave Edwards; It's an unspoken tradition at Wolves that at least one player will be the target of the fans ire.At the moment it's Dave's turn.Finally playing in the middle where he's best suited and starting to grab some important goals with late runs into the box.Does tend to miss at least half a season with niggling injuries though...
M)James Henry;Finally secured on a full time basis after being on loan.Been a revelation since coming to Wolves,marauding down the right wing whipping in some great crosses,works well with Doherty & Ebanks-Landell and chips in with his fair share of goals too.
M)David Davies; Many felt this was going to be his season to shine but so far has only shown patches of good form.Mainly used as a sub so far.Needs to be more consistent.
M)Bakary Sako; The one player who everyone thought would rip up this division, but after a good start has faded somewhat.Been constantly linked with Notts Forest so maybe that's having an effect.Still think he has an important part to play if he stays.If i was the boss i'd instruct him to not bother trying to defend,just stay up front waiting for a break...
M)Kevin McDonald;Been the engine of the team,everything seems to go through him in midfield.Occasionally gets sloppy in his passing but when he's on form is probably the best central midfielder in the division.Needs to get more goals...
M)Anthony Forde; A strange one this.Made his debut in the Premiership under Mick McCarthy a while ago and big(ish) things were predicted but has gone backwards to the point of anonymity.Think he may be sold soon...
M)Lee Evans;Not the sweaty unfunny comedian but the sweaty unfunny midfielder.The one good thing Saunders did for the club was buying Evans from Newport.Been in and out of the team but only 19 so plenty of time to improve.Good player always looking to score.
M)Jack Price; That small stature.That beard...It's Andres Iniesta! Price may prove to be the best player to come out of our youth academy(including Batth) Fantastic passer of the ball.Keeps the midfield moving with give & go's.My only worry is he does seem injury prone.Let's hope that's just growing and nothing that will blight his career...
M)Zeli Ismail;Hyped up to the max and so far has only produced what we hope he can sporadically.Currently on loan at Burton.Hope we can harness the undoubted talent he has...
M)Michael Jacobs;Another player signed full time after a loan spell.Tricky little player always looking for a forward pass and not shy to have a shot.
M)Jamie O'Hara;He's played for a few minutes so have to include him.A big thing was made of his return to the squad but,like most of his career,it turned out to be a damp squib.Went for a trial at Blackpool but was sent back for being unfit...To my mind that's unprofessional.Every player has a duty to stay as fit as possible barring injury...
F)Leigh Griffiths;Fans favourite but clearly not KJ's.Rarely plays a full game due to being subbed or coming on as a sub.Is the most likely to grab the goals needed to get promotion but not only that the forward line looks far more threatening,and less predictable,when he plays.Lots of rumours about his future...
F)Bjorn Sigurdarson;Disappointing.Again big things were expected but just has'nt grabbed whatever chances to shine that have come his way.However i hope he stays and regains his confidence & form...
F)Jake Cassidy; A trier,no doubt about that,maybe trying too hard to get his first goal for the club.The fans patience is beginning to wear thin.I really want him to suceed but fear i may be whistling in the wind...Needs a loan away for a while...
F)Kevin Doyle;What a strange season Doyler's having.Never been an out and out goalscorer like Griffiths but adds a lot to the team by bringing in others and initiating forward moves.I like Doyle but think a move may well be the best for everyone...The ultimate team player.
F)Liam McAlinden;Looks the real deal on the few times i have seen him.Very positive and always on the move giving defenders a hard time.
All in all we're in a great position to improve in what has already been a superb season.The average age of the squad is probably early 20's with many coming through our youth academy.Something all Wolves fans should feel proud of...
GK) Carl Ikeme; Been superb this season,commanding in the area and pulling off vital saves in tight matches.Currently out injured with a broken hand,presumably he saw Dean Saunders stealing a living on Sky Sports and punched the plasma screen...
GK)Wayne Hennessey: Was first choice for many years but has fallen out of favour with boss KJ. That coupled with his refusal to play in a recent game seems to be the green light for the boss to sell him either in January or during the summer...
GK)Aaron McCarey;19 year old goalie who was third choice a few weeks ago but suddenly finds himself in the first team.Made a nervous debut but settled himself down pretty quickly.Old head on young shoulders,as shown with some cleverly disguised timewasting v Preston.Looks a good prospect...
RB)Matt Doherty; Been out injured recently but possibly the most improved player on the books,been outstanding this season both defensively and going forward.Has grown up this last year both mentally and physically.A bit of a beast now...Even grown a Paul Breitner beard,not sure if he shares his affection for Chairman Mao though...
RB)Ethan Ebanks-Landell;Practically a clone of Doherty style wise.Tough in defence,exciting bombing forward.Has only made seven appearances but already grabbed two goals,many will have seen his cracker V Leyton Orient.Expect more Carlos Alberto type goals in the future...
RB)Kevin Foley; From being our most dependable player to barely making the match day squad in a couple of years.God knows what's happened to him but hardly gets on the bench these days...Expect him to leave soon.
CB)Danny Batth;Just signed a long term contract and all Wolves fans will be happy with that.Outstanding.Destined for big things...
CB)Richard Stearman;Finally finding his form after years of being played out of position at right back.Formed a good partnership with Batth.My only quibble is he sometimes gets caught out trying to play football.Franz Beckenbauer he is not...
LB)Sam Ricketts;Canny old timer.His experience has been invaluable helping to pull the young defence through tough patches this season.Was KJ's first signing and it's easy to see why.
LB)George Elokobi; Everyone loves George but unfortunately he's a disaster waiting to happen and i'll be shocked if he's still here next season.When his time comes i'll wish him well...
LB)Scott Golbourne;Grown into his role since signing earlier this season.Looking far more confident in defence.Like him a lot...Would like him more if he jettisoned that stupid streak in his hair...
M)Dave Edwards; It's an unspoken tradition at Wolves that at least one player will be the target of the fans ire.At the moment it's Dave's turn.Finally playing in the middle where he's best suited and starting to grab some important goals with late runs into the box.Does tend to miss at least half a season with niggling injuries though...
M)James Henry;Finally secured on a full time basis after being on loan.Been a revelation since coming to Wolves,marauding down the right wing whipping in some great crosses,works well with Doherty & Ebanks-Landell and chips in with his fair share of goals too.
M)David Davies; Many felt this was going to be his season to shine but so far has only shown patches of good form.Mainly used as a sub so far.Needs to be more consistent.
M)Bakary Sako; The one player who everyone thought would rip up this division, but after a good start has faded somewhat.Been constantly linked with Notts Forest so maybe that's having an effect.Still think he has an important part to play if he stays.If i was the boss i'd instruct him to not bother trying to defend,just stay up front waiting for a break...
M)Kevin McDonald;Been the engine of the team,everything seems to go through him in midfield.Occasionally gets sloppy in his passing but when he's on form is probably the best central midfielder in the division.Needs to get more goals...
M)Anthony Forde; A strange one this.Made his debut in the Premiership under Mick McCarthy a while ago and big(ish) things were predicted but has gone backwards to the point of anonymity.Think he may be sold soon...
M)Lee Evans;Not the sweaty unfunny comedian but the sweaty unfunny midfielder.The one good thing Saunders did for the club was buying Evans from Newport.Been in and out of the team but only 19 so plenty of time to improve.Good player always looking to score.
M)Jack Price; That small stature.That beard...It's Andres Iniesta! Price may prove to be the best player to come out of our youth academy(including Batth) Fantastic passer of the ball.Keeps the midfield moving with give & go's.My only worry is he does seem injury prone.Let's hope that's just growing and nothing that will blight his career...
M)Zeli Ismail;Hyped up to the max and so far has only produced what we hope he can sporadically.Currently on loan at Burton.Hope we can harness the undoubted talent he has...
M)Michael Jacobs;Another player signed full time after a loan spell.Tricky little player always looking for a forward pass and not shy to have a shot.
M)Jamie O'Hara;He's played for a few minutes so have to include him.A big thing was made of his return to the squad but,like most of his career,it turned out to be a damp squib.Went for a trial at Blackpool but was sent back for being unfit...To my mind that's unprofessional.Every player has a duty to stay as fit as possible barring injury...
F)Leigh Griffiths;Fans favourite but clearly not KJ's.Rarely plays a full game due to being subbed or coming on as a sub.Is the most likely to grab the goals needed to get promotion but not only that the forward line looks far more threatening,and less predictable,when he plays.Lots of rumours about his future...
F)Bjorn Sigurdarson;Disappointing.Again big things were expected but just has'nt grabbed whatever chances to shine that have come his way.However i hope he stays and regains his confidence & form...
F)Jake Cassidy; A trier,no doubt about that,maybe trying too hard to get his first goal for the club.The fans patience is beginning to wear thin.I really want him to suceed but fear i may be whistling in the wind...Needs a loan away for a while...
F)Kevin Doyle;What a strange season Doyler's having.Never been an out and out goalscorer like Griffiths but adds a lot to the team by bringing in others and initiating forward moves.I like Doyle but think a move may well be the best for everyone...The ultimate team player.
F)Liam McAlinden;Looks the real deal on the few times i have seen him.Very positive and always on the move giving defenders a hard time.
All in all we're in a great position to improve in what has already been a superb season.The average age of the squad is probably early 20's with many coming through our youth academy.Something all Wolves fans should feel proud of...
Thursday 2 January 2014
Getting busy with Nostradamus...2014 and all that.
Myself and my mate Nozza,the self styled Derren Brown of Provence,have been burning the candle at both ends for all of ten minutes to bring you,the fevered and expectant public,our predictions for the up coming year...
January) By the second week of January the entire populations of both Bulgaria & Romania have decamped en masse to Dover and Hastings respectively leaving the way open for Cameron to invade Bulgaria with the remaining British Armed Forces,comprising of ten thousand boy scouts,a Pedalo and the balloon used in the film "Around the World in 80 Days". Bulgaria is to be a staging post for a push into China later in the year...Meanwhile realising the game's up The Daily Mail begins printing in Cyrillic Script in an attempt to corner the Bulgarian market...Nigel Farage's head explodes.
February) The entire Romanian population departs Hastings en masse to join up with the British troops in Bulgaria for the forthcoming invasion of China."It'll be a damn sight easier than working in all those bloody tea shops" says a Romanian spokesman.Meanwhile there's a surprise when Dimitar Berbatov replaces Nigel Farage as leader of UKIP...Godfrey Bloom's head explodes.
March) The world of show business is rocked to it's very core when The Sun exclusively reveals that Tom Hanks really is as nice as he seems.Meanwhile in Bulgaria the British combined forces are in turmoil when it's announced nobody thought to bring the X Box chargers...The Daily Mail and UKIP leader Dimitar Berbatov blame the Romanians...Paddy Ashdown's head explodes.
April) Music:Justin Bieber joins One Direction but leaves a week later citing "Musical differences" Bieber then joins Napalm Death but a week later they leave to join One Direction in a bid to gain more Twitter followers...Miley Cyrus becomes the first daughter of a cheesy C & W singer to twerk unaided across the Grand Canyon... Twitter explodes.
May) Ex Cricketer Fred Flintoff pays a morale boosting visit to the combined British & Romanian forces stationed in Bulgaria,unfortunately after an agreeable lunch in the Officer's Mess he takes the rapid response Pedalo out on the Black Sea and gets captured by the Russians after straying into their waters...Meanwhile in sport the English Cricket team decide to declare all their first innings'in the summer tests to avoid any embarrassment...Geoff Boycott's head explodes.
June) The Lib Dems have made it known they'd happily form a coalition with the newly formed Bulgarian backed BUKIP party.A spokesman said "It's all about remaining in power and as we've already sold our souls it does'nt really matter who we get into bed with"... The World Cup is abandoned after five games when Qatar make a bid to be awarded the cup in perpetuity,FIFA agree on condition payment is cash only.The English press declare England World Champions as they remained unbeaten due to not playing a game...Roy Hodgson's head explodes.
July) Summer madness as two whole days of temperatures reaching 27C stops all transport in the country.The Tories blame the Labour Party,the SNP blame the English and BUKIP blame the Romanians...The planned invasion of China is abandoned due to the ten thousand Scouts starting their summer holidays in Tuscany... Guy Ritchie is to direct "Eastenders,The Movie!" The Samaritans announce all time record phone calls received...Ross Kemp's head explodes.
August) Sky & BT both pull out of tv deals covering the EPL,Sky said they could'nt afford that and Murdoch's divorce and BT claimed it cost all their money to persuade the blonde actress to kiss that gobshite in the adverts.All Premiership players put on minimum wage and zero hours contracts.John Terry is caught shoplifting in Poundland...The Commonwealth Games finishes in Glasgow.Nobody had noticed it had even begun...Roman Abramovitch's head explodes
September) The Romanians decide to stay in Bulgaria " We may as well stay here now,the place is empty and it's better than going back home with all those bloody Hammer Horror Goth tourists clogging up the place thinking we're all sodding Vampires" said a spokesman...Scotland votes for independence,the next day a Viking task force,led by Sven Goran Eriksson , sails up the Firth of Forth to claim Scotland in the name of his forefathers. "It's the least i could do" says Sven... Alex Salmond's head explodes.
October) Mass riots in Bavaria when Wetherspoons takes over the the Oktoberfest and every bench is taken up by a solitary old man complaining about the state of the country...The Star Wars franchise seems to be running out of ideas when the latest film is just two hours of Ray Winstone as Darth Vader shouting "Who's the Daddy?"...Cardiff owner Vincent Tan changes the clubs strip to all white and their name to "New Jack City".This is accepted without a murmur of discontent...Sam Hammam's head explodes.
November) England is declared bankrupt by the IMF,a beachcomber finds a £2 coin on Brighton beach and immediately rises to the top of the Times rich list.Meanwhile the Prime Minister becomes CEO of payday loan company Wonga saying "We're all in this together suckers"...In other news Taylor Swift marries Snoop Dogg in Hollywood.Mr & Mrs Dogg are wed by the Rev Justin Bieber...Miley Cyrus's head explodes.
December) Bit of a Surprise at Woking Pantomime where Christopher Biggins,a tour de force as Widow Twanky,announces he's now to be addressed as Obergruppenfuhrer and that the tanks are rolling on Downing St as he speaks.He's not joking...The Daily Mail editorial comments that Obergruppenfuhrer Biggins is the strong leader this country's needed since 1939...The Bulgarians defect to Romania en Masse...David Cameron's head explodes.
January) By the second week of January the entire populations of both Bulgaria & Romania have decamped en masse to Dover and Hastings respectively leaving the way open for Cameron to invade Bulgaria with the remaining British Armed Forces,comprising of ten thousand boy scouts,a Pedalo and the balloon used in the film "Around the World in 80 Days". Bulgaria is to be a staging post for a push into China later in the year...Meanwhile realising the game's up The Daily Mail begins printing in Cyrillic Script in an attempt to corner the Bulgarian market...Nigel Farage's head explodes.
February) The entire Romanian population departs Hastings en masse to join up with the British troops in Bulgaria for the forthcoming invasion of China."It'll be a damn sight easier than working in all those bloody tea shops" says a Romanian spokesman.Meanwhile there's a surprise when Dimitar Berbatov replaces Nigel Farage as leader of UKIP...Godfrey Bloom's head explodes.
March) The world of show business is rocked to it's very core when The Sun exclusively reveals that Tom Hanks really is as nice as he seems.Meanwhile in Bulgaria the British combined forces are in turmoil when it's announced nobody thought to bring the X Box chargers...The Daily Mail and UKIP leader Dimitar Berbatov blame the Romanians...Paddy Ashdown's head explodes.
April) Music:Justin Bieber joins One Direction but leaves a week later citing "Musical differences" Bieber then joins Napalm Death but a week later they leave to join One Direction in a bid to gain more Twitter followers...Miley Cyrus becomes the first daughter of a cheesy C & W singer to twerk unaided across the Grand Canyon... Twitter explodes.
May) Ex Cricketer Fred Flintoff pays a morale boosting visit to the combined British & Romanian forces stationed in Bulgaria,unfortunately after an agreeable lunch in the Officer's Mess he takes the rapid response Pedalo out on the Black Sea and gets captured by the Russians after straying into their waters...Meanwhile in sport the English Cricket team decide to declare all their first innings'in the summer tests to avoid any embarrassment...Geoff Boycott's head explodes.
June) The Lib Dems have made it known they'd happily form a coalition with the newly formed Bulgarian backed BUKIP party.A spokesman said "It's all about remaining in power and as we've already sold our souls it does'nt really matter who we get into bed with"... The World Cup is abandoned after five games when Qatar make a bid to be awarded the cup in perpetuity,FIFA agree on condition payment is cash only.The English press declare England World Champions as they remained unbeaten due to not playing a game...Roy Hodgson's head explodes.
July) Summer madness as two whole days of temperatures reaching 27C stops all transport in the country.The Tories blame the Labour Party,the SNP blame the English and BUKIP blame the Romanians...The planned invasion of China is abandoned due to the ten thousand Scouts starting their summer holidays in Tuscany... Guy Ritchie is to direct "Eastenders,The Movie!" The Samaritans announce all time record phone calls received...Ross Kemp's head explodes.
August) Sky & BT both pull out of tv deals covering the EPL,Sky said they could'nt afford that and Murdoch's divorce and BT claimed it cost all their money to persuade the blonde actress to kiss that gobshite in the adverts.All Premiership players put on minimum wage and zero hours contracts.John Terry is caught shoplifting in Poundland...The Commonwealth Games finishes in Glasgow.Nobody had noticed it had even begun...Roman Abramovitch's head explodes
September) The Romanians decide to stay in Bulgaria " We may as well stay here now,the place is empty and it's better than going back home with all those bloody Hammer Horror Goth tourists clogging up the place thinking we're all sodding Vampires" said a spokesman...Scotland votes for independence,the next day a Viking task force,led by Sven Goran Eriksson , sails up the Firth of Forth to claim Scotland in the name of his forefathers. "It's the least i could do" says Sven... Alex Salmond's head explodes.
October) Mass riots in Bavaria when Wetherspoons takes over the the Oktoberfest and every bench is taken up by a solitary old man complaining about the state of the country...The Star Wars franchise seems to be running out of ideas when the latest film is just two hours of Ray Winstone as Darth Vader shouting "Who's the Daddy?"...Cardiff owner Vincent Tan changes the clubs strip to all white and their name to "New Jack City".This is accepted without a murmur of discontent...Sam Hammam's head explodes.
November) England is declared bankrupt by the IMF,a beachcomber finds a £2 coin on Brighton beach and immediately rises to the top of the Times rich list.Meanwhile the Prime Minister becomes CEO of payday loan company Wonga saying "We're all in this together suckers"...In other news Taylor Swift marries Snoop Dogg in Hollywood.Mr & Mrs Dogg are wed by the Rev Justin Bieber...Miley Cyrus's head explodes.
December) Bit of a Surprise at Woking Pantomime where Christopher Biggins,a tour de force as Widow Twanky,announces he's now to be addressed as Obergruppenfuhrer and that the tanks are rolling on Downing St as he speaks.He's not joking...The Daily Mail editorial comments that Obergruppenfuhrer Biggins is the strong leader this country's needed since 1939...The Bulgarians defect to Romania en Masse...David Cameron's head explodes.
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