I'm not thinking about the big things in football that rankle like corruption or rapacious megalomaniac owners etc.Anyone with a hint of humanity and love of the game hate these things.What i'm talking about is the little things that really should'nt get me riled but they do...
The 5 things i hate about football(in no particular order)
1) Goal nets: When,and by whom,was it decided to install those crappy little shallow box nets that blight the most important item on the football pitch? Half the time you're not even sure if a goal's been scored or not as the ball has already bounced halfway to the centre circle after hitting the back of the net.Young fans today will never witness the pleasure of those billowing deep nets that rippled like velvet curtains as the ball nestled in the bottom corner and the goalkeeper had to perform back bending gymnastics to retrieve the ball from the net's deepest recess...
Look at those beautiful nets. Proper onion bags!
2)Badge kissing: You know the scenario.Player rumoured to be unhappy at the club and itching to move on to bolster his bank account aided by an agent right out of the Machiavellian charm school scores a goal and proceeds to run towards embittered fans furiously kissing his badge like he was on a date with Holly Willoughby.The fans of course go mental because their team have scored,it's not out of love for their want-away player who they know deep down is a little shit,it's out of love for their team scoring...Player thinks he has redemption.Player moves to bitter rivals a week later...
Say no more...
3)Goal music: I don't know anyone who likes this abomination that's crept into our game over the last few years.I don't mind the pre match tunes at all----although sometimes the choice of music is baffling---it all helps to build the atmosphere.However anything coming from the PA announcer during the game other than names of goalscorers, substitutes,injury time left and the occasional call for a fan to move their car that's blocking the burger van is a complete no no and top of that list is the dreaded goal music...At Wolves we used to play a snatch of James Brown "I feel good" after each Wolves goal.Even today if i hear a bit of that tune i get an involuntary Pavlovian response of wanting to jump all over a stranger shouting "Get in you bastard!"
Thank God we don't bother with that nonsense anymore at Wolves.Goal music is the equivalent of the arms outstretched "TA DA!" moment but invariably the PA is about 30 seconds behind and plays the goal music as the other team kicks off.Anyway we don't need that as the crowd have already provided their own "TA DA!" by going mental.The other thing is that clubs only play this cussed music when their team score,fine you say but incongruously they don't seem to have an inkling of what's happened out on the pitch.Many a time i have witnessed an 89th minute consolation goal by Wolves after being totally outplayed and being three goals down being given the "I feel good" treatment to a crowd who most definitely do not "Feel good".Still the PA has a job to do and he's damn well gonna do it no matter what...
Wolves fans celebrate another goal...
4)Feigning injury: In my line of work one of the hazards is getting bashed on the shin by a heavy wooden box of wine.This has happened on countless occasions and it hurts,by Christ it hurts.My reaction is usually to hop around holding my shin spewing the sort of obscenities that would make Liam Gallagher blush.What i have never done----i can't stress this strongly enough---is fall to the ground clutching my face as if the Alien monster had attached itself to it.Yet professional footballers do this all the time without a hint of shame.
I have seen Smokin' Joe Frazier assault his opponent in the ring with the sort of body punches that would fell an elephant.Did they grab their face and wriggle about the floor like a snake on amphetamine? No,they dropped and stayed still trying to catch their breath...
There's also a relatively new phenomenon of the head "rub" or maybe now know as the "Pardew" Previously known as the "headbutt" whereby the two rutting stags lock foreheads, for, ohhhh at least two seconds, in an attempt to establish who is the alpha male.Unfortunately they tend to look like amorous teenage Eskimos rather than Greek Gods...This also usually ends with one,or both,on the ground.When by some miracle one manages to stay on his feet following this onslaught he's commended by his boss for not dropping like a stone as if he survived a blow to the head from a sledge hammer wielded by Thor himself...I have to admit it takes some chutzpah to think they'll not look bloody silly and still regain their macho image in front of the watching millions.But really players it's time to man up..
5)Banter: Or "Bantz" as it's know...Now i love the internet,it allows me to do this for a start for which i'm
very grateful but by God it does'nt half bring out the worst in people too sometimes.This is especially true when it comes to football...If you've ever watched a game streamed onto your laptop and witnessed the comments in the sidebar you'll know what i mean.
Like all so called banter it may start with some gentle micky taking but rapidly descends to "We're great,you're rubbish" nonsense. Or more accurately "The club i support can do no wrong and the club you support are a bunch of f****** C****" Hardly Wildean wit...Infact not even Jim Davidson wit.This my friends is not banter,it's not even playground stuff.It's nothing,just name calling between people who're probably old enough to know better.Banter? My arse!
