Nail bar! Nail bar! I wanna take you to a nail bar!

...ok I don’t but walking around my temporary area of residence in Düsseldorf the bastardised version of that song sprang into my noggin and besides my nails are in perfect condition,cuticles an’ all ...There’s loads,maybe eight or ten within a five minute walk.Back home in London many of those nail bars are a front for human trafficking and modern slavery with poor,young vulnerable Vietnamese women the victims.I hope that’s not the case here but fear it might be...

Being a part time Anthropologist(well ok I know a few people and even like one or two of them) I was excited to learn that Neanderthal is only about Ten miles out of  Dusseldorf .It had never really occurred to me that they were named after a placed for some reason...anyway it’s a pleasant enough village but like it’s namesake it’s a bit dead...maybe they should rename it Neanderthal Parkway...incidentally Düsseldorfians( huh?) seem to be an attractive lot so don’t know if any of those Neanderthal chromosomes passed down through the generations or not,after all there was some evidence of cross breeding.If so maybe they weren’t as ugly & stupid as we’ve painted them...

Today I went across to Wuppertal (a name that just rolls off the tongue) It looks an interesting town and I may well spend some time there in the future.The real reason for going was to ride The Kaiserwagen.A suspended mono rail that goes through the town centre.I’d seen it on YouTube and was intrigued.It looks like something Fritz Lang would put in his film Metropolis.As this was built before the film maybe he was inspired by this very thing.The whole thing is weird,it looks wonderful and the ride is surprisingly smooth especially when it gently sways likea hammock in the breeze...if you’re ever around take a trip.Only 20 mins out of Dusseldorf.It’s good fun plus a little bit of history...

Anyway Boys & Girls this is my last full day in Germany and it’s back to London tomorrow on the Eurostar train out of Cologne(via Brussels of course.Why they can’t do a direct service I don’t know) As I popped out to Netto to grab some breakfast there was a young girl shooting up in the hotel doorway.A little reminder that no matter how stable & prosperous a country is there are always some that slip through the cracks and have their own demons to exorcise...I spoke to her a bit & gave her the few Euros I had on me.I hope she’s ok...

Well it’s been a cracking month.Met some great people and been to some fantastic places.Learnt a few more things about this great country and also about myself.Especially Don’t be afraid to make a complete chump of myself with the language.I also learned that German wasps (Wespen) are no different to British ones.Absolute bastards...

Anyway see you all on the other side of the tunnel and as they rather oddly say over here.Ciao.

I hate Germany*

*I don’t really of course.I love the place and that’s the problem...I look around me tonight,a monday night remember, and all the bars and cafe bars are packed.The streets are full of people doing people things...so what’s wrong with this? Nothing at all but it makes me think what my country has become in a lot of ways.Take London’s tourist & trendy quarters out of the equation and there’d be nothing happening tonight.The bars would have three locals in staring into their pints and a bored barman trawling twitter and the restaurants would be putting the chairs on the tables hoping that one couple trying to reconcile their marriage would fuck off soon so they can all get an early night...this is probably being replicated everywhere in the country as I write this...

Now of course I’m in Düsseldorf,a well off city in a well off country but the restaurant I’m in is situated between two main roads going out towards the suburbs miles away from the hubbub of the lively Altstadt yet it’s packed and that’s probably being replicated everywhere in this country too...there’s things going on here which just aren’t in Britain and that saddens me...

I’m immensely proud of my hometown Wolverhampton.It was never gonna be the centre of the universe but when I was living there until 1981 there was always something going on,the pubs were usually busy most nights and the streets were full of shoppers during the day.Whenever I go back now it’s empty apart from when there’s a football match on( thank god for Wolves!) It was a weird place full of fantastical local characters but all that seems to have died now.The shops are boarded up and the streets are generally empty aside from Matchdays...even though I don’t live there I want it to go back to what it was, not some empty shell of a place where a lot of people have no hope of improvement in their city.Cos’ the people of Wolverhampton don’t deserve what’s happening to them.They’re hard working,creative and blisteringly funny.I never laugh as much as when I’m with Wulfrunians...caustic,nasty,sarcastic,tough as old boots Wolves humour...

That death rattle is happening to every small/medium sized town/city in the UK but as far as I can tell not here in Germany.There must be a reason for this.I’m sure Germany has the same social problems we do...Maybe it’s just down to a simple fact that their people haven’t been fucked over by self serving shithouse politictions at gov’t & local level for forty years and actually have the good of who they represent at heart and act accordingly..,

Sorry about this blog I felt pissed off seeing what Germany is and comparing it to what we could be...it’s makes me angry.But not at Germany.At my own country...

Düsseldorf; It’s a bit rich...

I don’t mean that title in a disparaging way and it’s certainly not a slight on Düsseldorf.Nothing wrong with being rich if it’s earned and to say otherwise is childish & churlish...the city looks expensive.The sort of exspensive that doesn’t need to display prices in shop windows...on a monday afternoon the street cafes are rammed with well heeled,well tanned ladies of a certain age who all smell fantastic.Walking past is like walking through Beatties perfume counters with the sense of smell of a jungle cat.There are Shops round the Back of Altstadt that Probably only sell one item a week but that keeps em’ going.So yea there’s money here and even the scruffiest appears well turned out...even the place where I’m staying by the hbf is relatively well appointed whereas those areas are usually the pits of most places...

Düsseldorf  Altstadt is the touristy spot.Not sure they get too many mind but even so it’s the place to go.Plenty of Bars many selling the local pride and joy Alt Bier.I suppose an expert on beers would be able to describe the taste in adequate words.To me its like a sharp strong dark lager that’s only served in half pint glasses,not because they think it’s too strong but because it’s easier to serve and you don’t wait so long to get one...don’t be a dick and ask for a pint cos’ you’ll be met with very short shrift.

I always find it surprising which immigrants find themselves to which particular city,like the Italians in the West of Scotland for instance.Here it seems to be South East Asians.I’m guessing South Korean for the want of more info.For what it’s worth my conjecture is that a lot have settled here after initial family members set up in Hamburg and began a mini migration further south later on...

Düsseldorf stands out for me from other German cities I’ve visited: Lack of graffiti and lack of cyclists.Maybe that’s the link.All cyclist are also all the graffiti artists.Graffitsts if you will...

I have been lucky on this trip to rock up at some decent guest houses.Nothing spectacular of course as all I want is somewhere to shower in the morning and sleep at night but all fine in their own way and  for a month paying through the nose I definitely could‘nt go to the luxury end of the market but all places have been a solid 3/4 out of 5 with no shit from any of the owners.This one In Düsseldorf is probably the best yet despite being on the 4th floor(stairs!) it’s a good last week of a great month...and now I have to start saving again.Hopefully we‘ll still have freedom of movement around Europe for a while yet although looking at the clowns in charge of our Brexit negotiations anything can happen...oh bit of politics to finish there!

Got five days left here so until the next blog cherubs it‘s au revoir...

Berlin; Ugly sexy...

Sounds horrible to call a city I love ugly but that’s what it is if you look at it wrong.True there are one or two beautiful old buildings dotted about but nothing out of the ordinary to be honest.The ravages of two relatively recent significant world events I suppose...but be that as it may It’s sexy as hell,sexy in a not-even-trying kinda way.A natural sexiness.Just fucking cool I suppose... I have yet to see what would be classed as a hipster knocking around the place.Berliners don’t need the fakery of that cooler-than-thou sub sect‘s time warped vision.Berlin still has some buildings with bullet holes.They don‘t need to invent anything... with Berlin the sexiness is effortless.

I‘m staying in what I presume is a bog standard Berlin neighbourhood,a combination of pleasant middle class life and urban sleaze.The bar i‘ve adopted As my local( pleasingly the barmaids know what I want to drink without asking.All I need is a pewter mug behind the bar to go full gammon) is opposite an U-Bahn Exit and i‘ve Seen more drug deals going down in the past five days than a year in a Wolverhampton pub...there‘s also a couple of massage parlours over the road too,but mixed in with all that are young families all happily going about their business whilst allowing those with less stable lives go about theirs...and as a stranger passing through I feel perfectly at home here and perfectly safe...

In fact the only time I have felt slightly worried about my own safety in what is my third visit here was on Wednesday night.The U-Bahn i was getting home decided to stop their service and kick everyone off. I didn’t have a scooby where I was and it was 11-30pm.Time to check up on the local bus and see if I recognise any names on the board.Luckily I did.However four Russian lads turned up pissed up & angry and began kicking lumps out of the bus shelter.I thought it only a matter of time before they fancied something a bit more fleshy to use as a football so it was a case of „“TAXI! Get me out of here pal...“ I must stress I wasn’t threatened but could see the way things might progress and as they say discretion is the better part of valour...not a great story but maybe it highlights that having spent nearly two months in Germany over three years this is as close as i‘ve got to a violent incident...

Stairs!  There I’ve said it.Sorry to shock you all...they’re everywhere and I’ve come to the conclusion that’s the reason not many Berliners are overweight.Obviously public transport has them in spades.Yes there are lifts in the stations but it’s a bit embarrassing trying to share one with three stressed mothers with pushchairs just cos’ you’ve had a drink and can’t be arsed walking up one flight...the real reason Berliners are so slim is the fact that there are no houses within a radius of about twenty miles so everyone lives in six story apartment blocks with no lifts.Berlin is like SIM city gone mad in that respect.As my friends will testify when we stayed in the top loor of one a few years ago that’s some trek a few times a day,enough to keep you as slim as Keith Richards on a slim fast diet...not being svelte like myself I’m a little jealous but take consolation in the fact their knees are all buggered...oh and they all cycle too and probably take a lot of drugs.So there’s that as well...

I‘m off to Düsseldorf on Sunday morning but once again Berlin has filled me with joy.It really is a tremendous city and hope it never loses its sexiness...

On a practical note for any first time visitors out there.Never welch on buying a Transport ticket and always validate it.I have had mine checked six times in five days by inspectors and seen them haul off four people for not having a ticket or the wrong one.So don’t risk it.The fines are heavy( about 70 Euros)

On a brighter note ,when you get on an U-Bahn station get BVG free WiFi.It works well down there and I go onto a platform sometimes just to check my phone...so if you need to read a works e-mail telling you Jim from accounts is nicking stationary that’s the place to go...

 

Laters alligators...

(Backup) Am i in Leipzig Or Logan‘s Run...

Sometimes I feel a lot younger than my years.I see other blokes my age and can‘t see it...I can’t see we have that arbitrary thing in common.Then sometimes I come to a place like Leipzig and think „“Jesus you’re an auld fucker“ It’s nothing Leipzig‘s done to me at all it’s just that everyone seems so young.So...Logan‘s Run with Jenny Agutter and that posh bloke who’s name escapes me cos‘,well, you know,Jenny Agutter...Mannheim,whilst being perfectly nice & all that,is Cocoon by comparison...maybe all the East German youngsters are gravitating to here rather than Berlin cos‘ of expenses and what Berlin is seen to have become by many locals...or maybe,and this might be a bit of a killer for many in the west of the country,the east will eventually take over due to it having a much younger population... 

Walking round Leipzig today and it began to look a lot like many other German cities and I was starting to feel a bit cheated( cos‘ it’s all about me) then I slipped down an arcade,then another etc. All these sexy hidden arcades with great shops & hidden bars...who doesn’t love an arcade? Even when packed you feel as though it’s there just for you.One of them opened into a street full of bars.It‘s my favourite...

Don’t think this place is cheap.It‘s not.Ok compared to London prices it is but that’s an unfair comparison to make.Certainly in town the beer/ food prices are on a par with Bristol say and this place has that kind of aura about it...I know I found a place flogging bottles of Bud( that’s Budvar,not the well marketed swill called Budweiser) for 1-50 Euro but that‘s out in Leutzsch where i‘m staying...i hope Leipzig never makes it onto the tiresome Brit Stag & Hen Party schedule.The place is too good for that and being between Berlin & Prague would probably be It’s saving grace in that respect... besides Berlin has the pull & Prague the cheap beer that may save that unedifying fate... 

I was gonna say something smartarsey about the architecture being typical Austro-Hungarian but actually did some research(yay Google Chrome) and the Habsburg empire never got this far.However there are some beautiful neo Georgian buildings around.They might even be Georgian.All those fuckers were related anyway...A few of the areas on the outskirts have a faded beauty about them and sadly some of those wonderful buildings have been left to crumble...Gonna get a one day travel ticket tomorrow and have a good old mooch around these places...

There does seem to be a small smattering of tourists around but like Bremen & Mannheim before these appear to be mostly fellow Germans.English is rarely spoken here so hopefully that’s another thing that keeps it off the Stag & Hen Party circuit...

It’s probably a big fault of mine but if I see anyone over 55 my first instinct is „“I wonder if they were Stasi?“. Shameful I know but I can’t help it! I’m sure none of them were.They all look so lovely *cough* If any locals read this maybe check all the ages of the local Neighbour Hood Watch.That might be a clue...

This is probably my last blog from Leipzig(Christ this is my third from here!) I‘m off to Berlin in a few days...I‘ll be surprised if I can find anywhere to watch Wolves thrash Man City on Saturday although there’s a sports bar next to the RB Leipzig ground but not hopeful( of seeing the game.Obviously we‘ll give City a football lesson)

Bis bald peeps...

(Backup) Leipzig;First thoughts...

If you come to Leipzig by train don‘t look at the multiple chain shops on the Hauptbahnhof concourse,all German mainline stations have basically the same things,no,look up at the building surrounding the fast food & cigs you like merchants.It‘s simply stunning.A cathedral to when train travel was still in it‘s infancy & probably seen as a luxury rather than a solid foundation of a country’s infrastructure...if you want to make a statement to new visitors Leipzig then you’re going the right way...

Another way is to have friendly locals...I knew which tram to catch so after a quick smoke went to the ticket machine on the platform and picked my ticket but the machine would‘nt take my note.A local woman tried to help but no go,then with a laugh she said „“Englisher go to a bar for change.You all drink“ which is pretty rich coming from a bloody German! But I defied the stereotype and got some water and she was still there when we met again she said „“Water? What kind of Englisher are you?“  l liked her,she made me laugh...The machine wouldn’t take my change either so was obviously busted but not after she’d roped in three other people to help this useless tourist.All happy to do so I must add...

Got my tram and even got off at the correct stop.Which is unusual fo me.Did‘nt have a scooby where the street was though and asked a couple...i‘m getting less self conscious of asking locals for things in German now...they didn’t know but shouted over to another couple across the street who pointed me in the right direction.Christ i‘d only been in the town less than an hour and eight people had gone out of their way to help me...i don’t care how much of a cynical bastard you are that’s gonna make you look favourably on a place...the hotel‘s fine.Think i pissed off the chambermaid as I solicited a few tuts off her but i‘ll win her over with my natural wit,charm or money...

I‘m staying in an area called Diakonissenhaus(yea that’s fucking easy for you to say) which is a bit run down but I have found an Aldi,laundrette( have to visit that soon) and, after fifteen minutes walking,one bar..,However bottles of Budvar are one Euro fifty so well worth the search.Think I have found my local cos‘ 1-50 a Budvar,There’s nowhere else round here and did I mention 1-50 a Budvar?

I like Leipzig already and I have seen nothing of it yet...

(Backup) Mannheim: Where the streets have no name*

There‘s a district of Mannheim called The Quadrant which is the main area of the city and it‘s true that there’s no street names only a letter/number combo...*in fact there are a few street names in the Quad but that wouldn’t fit on my headline and would have considerably altered U2‘s seminal song in the process...It seems like a weird idea but I suppose it works...

Mannheim is a lot bigger than i expected and also a lot busier too.Walking round the Quad on Saturday afternoon there were a lot of people about doing their thing.I don’t know how this area is viewed by the rest of Germany but it looks pretty prosperous to my eyes.There are plenty of expensive looking shops as well as a shed load of jewellers along with many cafe bars.Incidently I have yet to visit any city in Germany that has a „“dead“ look to it.My hometown has that look unfortunately.As much as I love it and am proud of my heritage i‘m afraid it has the look of a town that’s dying on its arse but I have yet to see any city in this country that has that death rattle  aura about it...

 

Even though i‘m a Brit I rarely discuss the weather in these blogs,and yes,I know i‘m a disgraceful ambassador for my country because of that so I hope this little bit will redress the balance and keep me out of the tower...it‘s hot! Phew what a scorcher! And all that.For the five days I have been here it‘s been 30 degrees daily without a hint of rain( it actually looks like we may get some today.Still horribly muggy though) I think the north had a bad time of it recently.As you travel on the train between Essen & Bremen the tens of thousands of acres of maize are just dead in the field.Brown & lifeless.Horrible to see...and my legs are still Lilly white. 

Mannheim and Ludwigshafen are cities split by the river Rhine.As far as I know there‘s no animosity between the two,which is a bit of a surprise( I can’t be arsed to get my Google head on and do any research.I’m not a journalist)Mannheim is far from the cliched German chocolate box image.Just a regular post war industrial city.Ludwigshafen however is definitely It’s ugly sister.Both solid working class areas I think it’s the least English I have heard in any German city yet...i‘m staying in Ludwigshafen and none of the local shops & bars I have been in have spoken English.It‘s fun.Causes me to try to make myself understood which usually ends up me throwing some German words around hoping some of them stick much to a combination of amusement & horror to those on the receiving end...although my English came in handy when a local overheard me mention London to a barmaid last night and asked if I knew Muswell Hill as he‘s a huge Kinks fan and was going there soon.Not only that but I told him which tube & bus to get up there...See? International relations.They should put me in charge of the Brexit negotiations...

At the moment i‘m watching Storage Wars dubbed into Deutsche while hearing freight trains rumble past the window.Think i‘d better visit my „“local“ for the last time.Bottles of Becks at two Euros a pop.These Turkish bars know their audience...besides it’s the only place I can get a signal to post this!

Tomorrow I have a four hour train journey to Leipzig.It will be my first visit to east Germany besides Berlin,which is a law unto itself, and i‘ll be interested to see the difference between the old east and what us oldies knew as West Germany back in the day...

Laters boys and girls...

Goodbye Bremen hello Mannheim...

It’s tough leaving a place you’ve just found your way around but that’s the nature of the beast...I liked Bremen a lot and will no doubt visit again.If you’ve never been try out Das Viertel area east of the City.A Little bit sleazy & a little bit arty farty...or if you like your fairy tales Disney rather than Grimm(Original Grimm that is,and they were) then visit Schnoor.It looks lovely but I couldn’t help think what the reality of living there was a few hundred years ago though....anyhoo don’t go between noon &4pm cos‘s it‘s rammed...

As I was leaving there was a row between a couple of guests and the landlady.I have no idea what it was about but they seemed to patch it up as she went into the kitchen but I presume she had a German equivalent of „“ nah fuck this“ and came flying out of the kitchen and kicked them out!  I even heard a „“raus“ in there which was very satisfying...I liked it there but i‘m not German who,god bless em‘, can be picky buggers.I enjoyed my early morning smokes with the chambermaid in the garden.Niether of us spoke each other’s language so we communicated via gentle coughing...

The train from Bremen is about five and half hours. We had an engine failure ( yep even in Germany) which made it six hours.Luckily they handed out free water cos’it was sweltering hot.I made a balls up at Bremen station though. The platform indicator said there was a 2nd class carriage right at the end of the train so being a smart arse I thought I’d steal a march on the other plebs by steaming down there to get on...it was the bike shed.No problem I’ll just work my way through the train...nope cos the bike shed was full of bloody bikes and the remaining seats were full of their bloody owners travelling from Hamburg to Cologne...damn.As it happens there was one seat in the bike shed so it was fine.I found it highly amusing that at every stop one of them came to see I hadn’t buggered off with a bike.They took it in turns much as the old Leeds team shared out bookings...if you ever travel by train down towards Stuttgart from Cologne get a left hand window seat cos’ from Koblenz onwards the train line hugs the Rhine river and it’s stunning... you also go past thousands of acres of vineyards too.

Got myself sorted in Mannheim pretty quick. I’m actually staying in Ludwigshafen, which is the city across the river.It’s probably more of a suburb but I wouldn’t dare tell a local that.I even saw a road rage incident whilst sitting outside a bar...to be honest it was’nt much but the word “scheisser” was used so that counts doesn’t it? It’s the first time I have seen anything like it in Germany.Particulary involving a van & a cyclist.In London That would just be a friendly greeting.Anyway Nobody lost face so no problem... 

Tomorrow I need to find a place showing English football.Spotted an Irish bar by Mannheim hbf so That’s probably my best bet...Also saw a tram that goes to Heidelberg and have that’s worth a visit...

Till then auf Wiedersehen munchkins...

Ps Sorry about the seemingly random use of capital letters.I have switched my phone keyboard to Deutsch mode for any sexy umlaut usage I need and they put capital letters all over the place.

What is Bremen?

Bremen’s an unsettling place.Not in a nasty brutish way but in a classic movie trope „“it‘s quiet Jim,too quiet“ Most cities have a back ground noise,be it traffic,construction or just babble from people walking the streets.Bremen doesn’t seem to have any of that.At the moment i‘m sitting in a beer garden(naturally) in a street lined with bars and I can hear them washing up in the cafe across the road...like I said unsettling.                     

However it‘s a nice place.Very chilled & relaxed.The people seem well off in a non showy „“musn‘t grumble „“ kind of way.Even the beggars seem nice.One‘s Just taught me the correct way to pronounce Euro in German.The patronising bastard...even though Bremen is comfortable there are still social ills because,well y‘know,people live here and people ain‘t perfect.Some of us tend to fuck up occassionally.Like most big cities the down & outs gravitate towards the main railway station ( I suppose the airports are too far out) Bremen’s no exception but it‘s pretty mild compared to some.I had a walk round yesterday and apart from a few bored looking kids hanging around & a couple of spaced out junkies there was nothing of concern.  

Bremen is not a tourist place really.There‘s some like myself just arsing around for a few days but that’s about it.It‘s noticeable that most of the signs are only in German rather than multi lingual like Hamburg or Berlin.That‘s good for us non native speakers as it forces us to at least work things out ourselves.My German is improving slowly but only really to ask questions.I get stuck on the answers though and have to ask them if  they speak English.Really I should be embarrassed but fuck it i‘m a tourist and embarrassment went south a while back...In a bar for a couple of drinks last night and it was only when I went to leave a few locals said „“you’re English?“ I don’t know if they were taking the piss or unbelievably stupid in a Homor Simpson „“ Mel Brooks is Jewish!?“ kind of way.Anyway it cheered me up...

Anyway I like Bremen.It‘s chilled and not up it’s self and that‘ll do for me...even if it is unnervingly quiet.

World Cup 2018...An in depth look at the teams...

...or a lazy ass cliche ridden blog full of tired stereotypical rubbish.

Group A
========
Russia:  Probably the worst team to host the World Cup.Putin might be able to manipulate the rest of the planet to bend to Mother Russia's will with his KGB cunning but even he can't make the team any good.Expect them not to qualify and nobody to care less...

Saudi Arabia: Friend of the West and all round horrible regime.I know Jack shit about them football wise except that Wolves once had a Saudi player named Sami Al Jaber who was reported to be the Steve Bull/Alan Shearer/Roy of the Rovers of the desert...he was'nt.Might beat Russia in the opening game though...

Egypt: Mo Salah Mo Salah Mo Salah...That's about it.Will qualify to next round owing to crappiness of Russia & Saudi Arabia and the goalscoring exploits of some fella who's name escapes me...

Uruguay:The official name of the country is "Oriental Republic of Uruguay" fact fans.Which i think is rather beautiful.Another thing that's beautiful is that the country has gone from being the most brutal military regime in South America(which is saying something) to the most liberal,least corrupt and downright likable places in the world.They also have a pretty good football team too.They will qualify with ease...

Group B
========
Portugal: Current European champions and Wolves fans crush could go far if Ronaldo does his stuff...This will probably be his last international hurrah so will want to go out with a bang.Wolves fans will be watching all their games like they would an edition of The Price is Right...


Spain;Just sacked their manager on the eve of the comp starting.Seems an odd decision but this is Spain so i don't really expect as much disruption to their style of play or their effectiveness.Like Ronaldo this will be Iniesta's swan song and don't be surprised if he ends up holding the cup aloft.It would be a fitting end to a wonderful career...

Morocco; More Wolves interest here as our own Romain Saiss is one of their top players...With the Iberian peninsular brothers seemingly fighting out the top two spots one of them could take their eye off the ball and let Morocco in through the back door.Bit of a dark horse tip there.Shame they're in a tough group...

Iran: The game the whole world would want see is Iran v Saudi Arabia but there would have to be some monumental fuck up's in both groups for that to happen...

Group C
========
France: One of the favourites.Whisper it quietly but France seem to be a settled squad at the moment.No in fighting,total harmony.However like the sexy but volatile married couple from over the road you know they're only one bottle of Bordeaux away from an entertaining stand up fight that livens up the summer barbecue...

Australia; The one thing all English fans can agree on is for God's sake don't let Australia get good at football! If they hammer us at Cricket & Rugby we can just shrug it off as the natural order of things but not football...for fuck sake not that.Still got Tim Cahill playing for them who's as old as Methuselah's dad...

Peru: Great to see Peru here along with their snazzy strip.All us old farts can remember them in 1978 when they pissed on Scotland's chips in spectacular fashion(It was against Peru that former Baggies winger Willie Johnston was found with his jagged little pill and sent home) Got a good chance of qualifying out of the group...

Denmark:Take Christian Eriksen out of the side and...well they have an Ipswich player in the squad for Chrissakes...The Danish for "Dour" is "Dyster"They may even out dyster Sweden but i doubt it...There was a time when the Laudrup brothers played beautiful football for them but now they're functional at best...and worst.

Group D
========
Argentina: Untold riches going forward with Messi etc but midfield & defence a little ordinary.Might go far or might implode...won't be dull though.They need a bit of that Maradona madness about the place...

Iceland: Everyone's favourite minnows. A population of 300k and 2million tourists.Got two ex Wolves players in the squad so that'll be of interest to some of us fans.We'll also get to see how the fans do the "Thunderclap" properly rather than our half arsed attempts at Molineux...If they had a feel for early British 70's pop they'd all change their names to Newman...

Croatia; They're currently nearing the end of their own "Golden Generation"and like England's GG they have basically failed to deliver.There fans will be lively though and the powers that be have kept them away from Serbia which is probably a good thing,but a boring good thing...

Nigeria: May create a bit of a splash.Will certainly provide a lot of colour especially green & white.I love watching Nigeria play cos' they can be a bit mental and that's always great fun...All at Wolves should wish them well after their gesture of making Wolves goalkeeper Carl Ikeme an honoured 24th member of the squad after being diagnosed with leukemia...

Group E
=========

Brazil; Lord knows what state Brazilian football's in.They have some fine players but they owe their fans big after getting a 7-1 twatting from Germany on their own turf in the last WC semi final.Will the pressure to deliver the goods be too much for them? Need Neymar to actually play football throughout rather than be a petulant showpony...

Switzerland; What can you say about Swiss football?  Well "Meh" springs to mind...No mugs for sure and their club sides have done well in European comps lately but...well it's hard to get excited about them is'nt it?Don't be surprised to see them getting through the group though cos' they'll be hard opponents with an excess of meh...

Costa Rica: Shock winners of their group at the last World Cup and a decent enough team.Could sneak into 2nd spot in probably the hardest group to call...

Serbia: Players from the Balkans usually have some mad ball skills along with the occasionally mad moment...their game v Brazil could be one of the matches of the World Cup both on & off the pitch as their fans are always...er...let's say boisterous shall we?  One of my favourite ever Wolves players was Serb Nenad Milijas who still plays for Red Star Belgrade.So there...

Group F
========

Germany; Here we go.World champions.Nearly always do rubbish in pre comp friendlies then turn it on when the competition begins properly.I have no doubt that will happen again.Can afford to leave players like Sane & Gotze behind...bloody hell imagine if we left players of that calibre out of the squad in England? Anyway may well go on and win the thing again which will no doubt result in lots  of tired  old WW2 references in the British press...

Mexico; Raul Jimmanez is Mexico's striker and he's just signed for Wolves...that's all you need to know really.We'll be supporting them too and hoping they get to the qualifying stage if only to see our man in action...

Sweden: No Zaltan no party.I never really liked the fella but there's no denying he's box office and with him not selected Sweden look a bit bereft of anything approaching a match winner.Much like Denmark & Switzerland it's all a bit "Meh" Will be solid in that indefectible way Scandi teams are.Instantly forgettable but in a nice way...

South Korea:The good Korea.Well until Trump decides his new bff deserves to get a bigger slice of the Korean peninsula that is...been a decent team for a while now with their star player Son at Spurs.Most of the others seem to play in the local or Japanese league and i don't have a clue how strong they are...on that basis probably won't get out the group...

Group G
=========

Belgium; Most of their players play in the Premier League so we know them very well.An excellent group  but also could be suffering from GGS(Golden generation syndrome) This could be the last chance for a few of them...Beer & mayo on chips.What's not to like?

Panama;Hats! Canals! Shafted by USA in 1903!  Sorry that's all i got...potential banana skin opponents,which is handy cos' bananas is a staple export...

Tunisia;Another potential banana skin(This is a tricky group honest!) Third of the North African teams at the world cup and all of them are pretty decent...hope you all notice i'm getting my England failure excuses in early here? Again pretty ropy on Tunisia football wise but i can recall tough battles with them in the past.Might be an idea to stay away from Twitter before,during & after the game.There will no doubt be a lot of reactionary bollocks aired...

England; Not as bad as some England fans are making out but nowhere near world beaters either.Defence is a weak point as it's been for many years...got a feeling the final game v Belgium will be crucial and no doubt lazy journalists will dub it the "Battle of Brexit" Lazy bloggers will do likewise...

Group H
=======

Poland: We could play Poland in the next round...it's not a major tournament if we don't play Poland at some stage.Always a tough nut to crack with some very dangerous players.As England has a large Polish community it would be an interesting clash to say the least.Looking at their group i expect them to qualify with relative ease...

Senegal: The last African team involved.Remember their last world cup when they turned France over?  Yea that was funny...probably won't do anything as exciting this time but you never know...Everyone was after Senegalise players then too.Wolves even got one in Henri Camara...

Columbia: Looking at their squad it's rammed with players at top sides in Europe...should qualify to knock out stage.Once again expect allusions to cocaine to be on commentators & journalists lips when discussing Columbia cos that's all we know in our ignorance...hopefully there will not be a repeat of 94' when Escobar was murdered by a cartel for scoring an own goal...

Japan: Finally Japan.They have a fair few players plying their trade in Bundesliga 1 & 2 so i'm guessing they're all at a decent level...like many of the teams at this world cup it's really hard to gauge how good or bad they are until they start playing.In other words i'm padding this out cos' i don't have a clue what i'm talking about...


Have a great world cup all...

Wolves fans don't do happy....

Among all the happiness at my club this last two weeks there have also been some voices of discontent.Some about the price increase of the season tickets,some about the open top bus tour of the city & free concert and some about the way the on pitch celebrations were conducted...I won't bother going into the details of these here.If you're a Wolves fan you've no doubt heard all the complaints.If not you probably could'nt care less.

Many will think that these fans have no justification for having a bit of a moan after all that the new owners have done for the club.They have backed their big talk of ambition with big action and will continue to do so.These are'nt fly by night shysters just after a quick buck and some media attention.They're the real deal and are taking my club to heights never thought possible just two years ago...

So are some fans being ungrateful having a whinge about relatively unimportant matters? Maybe,maybe not.I don't think it's really about that.I just don't think happiness and contentment sits well with most football fans...we are bound by tribal forces to support our chosen team no matter what and no matter what quite often involves a truck load of misery.A misery that many embrace...speak to a lot of fans and you'll hear "oh i support xxxx...for my sins" doesn't matter who it is,doesn't matter how well,or badly,they're doing it's nearly always "for my sins" almost like a religious self flagellation...football fans love nothing more than playing the martyr.

Finding things wrong is our natural state.I have a mate--lovely fella---huge Wolves fan,been going for years.On the day of the Birmingham game when we had already been promoted he was still worried about the manner of our defeat against Forest! He's hated me this season because since August i have been saying we're going up.After every set back--of which of course there have been few--it's been my fault because of my optimism...i was the ultimate "Happy clapper" a term i first encountered on the now defunct BBC 606 website.It was'nt a compliment...it was meant as an insult to anyone who was shown to be content with the status quo at the club.You were showing an almost religious naivety sitting round the camp fire strumming guitar singing Kumbya My Lord with other starry eyed hippies...

We all know moaning & groaning can be cathartic.It helps to get it out of the system...when i lived in Wolverhampton i knew a fella who did'nt really like football but would occasionally go down the Molineux to vent.I asked him about it once and his reasoning was where else could he spend a few quid and scream & shout for a few hours to help exorcise some demons(and he had a few of those) It was his version of primal therapy only without the middle class bollocks...pies,pints and primal therapy.Maybe Wolves should market that...

But like the bloke at work who whinges about every little thing until no fucker takes him seriously it's easy to cry wolf(pun intended) and just become a vessel emitting  a horrible nasal white noise.By all means have a good old whine but choose those moments and choose your targets too.Don't go pissing off the goose that is laying golden egg after golden egg over something trivial...if your axe to grind is legit then fine grind away.

There will be more moans from Wolves fans next season no doubt.Firstly if we get a bad attendance at at game it will be why can't the fans go watch this great team? If we get a huge demand for tickets it will be where were you plastic fans when we were shit? (martyrdom) When we lose two or three games on the trot they will be hammering away at their keyboards like a kid at a pus filled blackhead demanding Nuno's sacking ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS...this stuff will always be with us no matter what.It's the nature of the beast.The more football fans get the more they want.I should know i am one...

Anyway the summer's nearly here,there's some football thing going on in Russia and England are involved.Now there's a team we can all have a good old moan about...

(You're) Welcome to the cosy dinosaur club...

"You're a big man but you're in bad shape.With me it's a full time job,now behave yourself"

A quote from the best British gangster movie ever made,Get Carter.The film Mr Madonna tried to make several times but never came close...Young,dynamic Michael Caine has had to leave his home to dual with provincial patsies.They think he's a soft touch, he's not one of them.Not part of their cosy little empire which has bullied and harangued all opposition to their throne.They have grown complacent in their castles made of sand...the new man has new ideas,new methods.He's younger,smarter and better at doing their job.They fight back but it's a futile gesture.He outsmarts them at every turn.The dinosaurs are on the edge of the abyss wearing slip on shoes...

I was thinking all this last night when contemplating Nuno Espirit Santo's impact on,not only my club,but on the cosy world of the rent-a-quote managers.The dinosaurs who will only play the game their way because it's what they've done for thirty years...Nuno and his ilk are eroding their power in the footballing world game by game and they know it but they're too set in their ways to change either themselves or their ultimate fate...

Right at the start of the season there were barbed comments about Nuno not knowing the Championship.What it would entail.The hardships he,his backroom staff and his players would endure.They were building this myth around a division of twenty four teams as if it was a cross between Mordor and Narnia.Here be monsters.Their mates in the media piled in on this nonsense creating an imagery dystopian landscape where only stout British yeomen can survive the winter and lead their teams to glory in the spring...They were either scared or ignorant, of Nuno's skills in this football lark.

Or maybe it was arrogance.Like Caine's adversaries in Get Carter they'd become bloated by their own limited success.Nobody had effectively challenged them for so long they thought they were immune from attack.The big rock of extinction is heading their way but they're looking in the wrong direction.Evolution can be a slow process but it's march is unstoppable...

It was'nt long before the realisation hit them that something was going on though and that's when the little moans, groans and sly digs started to appear..." Let's see how they cope with the winter" "They must be breaking some sort of financial rules" and best of all " They don't know how to behave in the good old British manner" This last one was because Nuno & his staff showed their passion by celebrating a win before shaking hands with their opponents.I don't think these managers were really bothered about such fripperies.I think they were beginning to suss that their fragile hold on the status quo was being eaten away at...Nobody can convince me that Neil Warnock gives two hoots if he gets a handshake from a fellow manager.But he does care if his position is threatened.Especially by somebody the cosy club considered out of his depth a few months ago...

There does seem to be a bit of...i'm loathe to say racism...maybe xenophobia is better.So yes there does appear to be a little bit of xenophobia at play here.S'pose that's what the threatened do,revert back to base instincts.Quite a bit of their dialogue has referenced England/Britain for no other reason that i can see.

However i don't think their inevitable decline is all down to ignorance & arrogance.There's more at play here.Namely pressure from their own fans and ergo their board of directors.Bruce & Pulis at Aston Villa & M'boro respectively have to get their teams back in the top flight otherwise they'll be looking for another job and one of those promotion places has effectively been taken up by a newcomer to English football.One,or both,may miss out.Hence the desperate long ball,get-it-in-the-box-as-quick-as-possible tactics they produce.They don't have time to develop a coherent system.They get frustrated and lash out at the newcomer who seems to have an easy life...i don't think Warnock is under that sort of pressure.He's just a cunt.

After we lost at Aston Villa 4-1 there was one telling quote that stood out for me.It was from our chairman Jeff Si.He said " One result does'nt matter.Does'nt make any difference" I took that to mean they are in for the long haul and will not make any knee jerk reactions during a bad spell(at least i hope that's what he meant.Maybe he forgot to add..."but two will...") So Nuno is not under pressure to succeed instantly.He will get time whereas some of the dinosaurs,who're too scared,or unwilling.to change,won't.

If you're happy watching your highly paid players hoof the ball aimlessly in the the penalty box all game or continue to launch throw ins into the box like Exocet missiles then fine.Wallow in it.Me? I'd rather my team produce the kind of football that makes laugh hysterically because it's so fucking beautiful...

Lies,damn lies and statistics...oh and Ruben Neves.

Statistics seem to be everywhere these days,not just in sport,where they appear to be fan currency on how good or bad a certain player is at doing...oh i don't know,something or other...But in real life too.On any given day some publication or other will tell me that 46.3% of people would say boo to a goose or that 34.2% of folk think going blind with advanced gonorrhea is preferable to being in the same room as Donald Trump for an hour...

Some sports lend themselves naturally to stats.Cricket springs to mind.Quite often an announcement is made during play that Mr so and so has just hit his 3,000th run in test cricket or something and he gets a round of applause,a pat on the back and no doubt a complimentary pint of Old Pullover in the bar at close of play...Imagine such going ons at Molineux against,oh, let's say Cardiff City,as the ever lovable Greg Halford hurls yet another long throw into the opponents box the tannoy crackles into life with "Ladies and gentlemen that was Greg Halford's 500th career long throw of over 50 yards" Would Greg get a smattering of applause from the home fans? Answers on a postcard please...

Football stats come from the advent of fantasy football and FIFA games but have been co-opted into the real thing like it means something...we're now told how many forward passes a player makes,how many tackles,how far he runs like he's Usain Bolt or Mo farrah for God's sake...assists is another.Up until fairly recently the only time "assist" was used in football was when a player was helping police with their enquiries...but now any fan in the world can see if a player is any good or not just by looking up their stats.Or can they?

We have a player at Wolves called Ruben Neves.You may have heard of him...twenty one years old,signed for £15m by Wolves from Porto last summer.The youngest player ever to captain a champions league club(now THAT's a fucking stat!) on the radar of the big hitters in the English game and signed by a club piddling about in the lower half of the second tier of our game.many punters were unbelieving that he'd signed for us willingly.Some sort of nefarious witchcraft going on they said.Or that Neves was using Wolves as a launchpad for a better move(as all players do at 99% of clubs of course) The knives were out...

As the season has worn on other players at the club have garnered the headlines and Ruben was put on the back burner...fine by us and probably him too but over the last few weeks as those that had the knives out originally have the dawning clarity of our position some have been running the rule over Ruben Neves's stats and in black & white they don't make good reading...played 34 goals 4, assists 1 (which came last saturday) Clearly they're saying this lad is a waste of money,done jack shit all season etc etc ad nauseam...but they don't see this player live...we do,

...and what we see is a player of supreme talent,composure,vision & style.A player with so much time on the ball he could re-define physics...a player who can not only spot a team mate make a run 60yards away but find him with a raking pass through a forest of opponents with just enough back spin & side spin that the recipient does'nt need to break stride to collect... a player that also looks like a young Clark Gable too as if God himself said "Here Ruben you can have it all"...a player all Wolves fans have been honoured to see play in our shirt...

He may move on next season.I'd like to think he'd stay at least for our return to the Premiership but the £50m offers will be coming in from the great and the good and those figures will be hard to resist
Whatever happens i will wish him well...

So when the spotty Herberts at Opta sports stats point out that his are not up to much he may easily say "Frankly my dear i don't give a damn..." and neither do i.

The(almost) impossible debate...

It's a rare thing indeed to hear football fans who are happy with their club,it's even rarer to hear those same fans say that the current football their team are producing is the best they have ever witnessed in their life,unless they're twelve years old where that statement can be revised almost weekly,but to hear forty,fifty & sixty year olds say it means there is something extraordinary going down...this is what's happening at Wolves...

I have been watching Wolves on a regular basis since i was a kid in the late sixties.Molineux was my bi-weekly Woodstock if i'd known what the hell Woodstock was.Sometimes it was my Altamont...I was too young to remember the all conquering team of the fifties.The team that fifteen years earlier had been crowned unofficial world champions thereby forcing UEFA to instigate the European Cup giving the world some of the most thrilling games ever and,frankly,some of the dullest too...so next time you hear that god awful cod operatic muzak UEFA insist all competing Champions League clubs play you can thank us.You're welcome...

Looking back that team from 1969 to 1974 was superb.I did'nt appreciate it at the time of course,when you're a fickle freckled yoof you don't.That's the law.But those names trip off the tongue of fans of a certain age(ie old bastards) Richards,Doog,Waggy,Munro,McCalliog,Bailey and my hero Hibbitt.That team were almost a permanent fixture in the top eight.Won the league cup.Lost in the final of the UEFA cup to Spurs(where i learnt that the Seven Sisters road is fucking long especially when being chased by unruly Cock-en-nees) Lost to the rightly hated Leeds in the FA Cup semi final at Maine Road where i'm convinced we would have hammered Sunderland in the final.Even though they were a great team there's a nagging feeling that they under achieved.the club rested on it's laurels and never effectively replaced aging stars...ah well it was good fun.

Football fans love to compare players and teams from the present to those of the past.It's impossible of course but that does'nt stop us.The game has changed totally in the intervening years.Physically the players of today are unrecognisable next to our hero's of the early 70's.Even the most plodding of hairy arsed lower league defenders of today would probably make a fist of playing for a team in the top division from the 70's just by dint of being twice as fit and faster than those long haired lager swilling lothario's of times past...

When i watch games from that era on You Tube they look so slow compared to today's game.The skills are there but would they be able to live with the pace? I doubt it,especially after chowing down on steak & chips two hours before kick off.But that was then and that's what we had.Those players rightly hold a special place in the history and folk law of the club but honestly after watching this young,exciting,skillful,committed,intelligent and pacy team play this season i don't think the 70's team would last the pace.They'd be blowing out of their arse on the hour ready to be picked off at will...

It's not just about the players of course.There's the manager too.Having grown up watching football from the late 60's onwards i have got used to viewing football managers as nailed on tea cup throwing obergruppenfuhrer types.We still have a few of these Jurassic behemoths knocking about of course but thankfully not at Wolves any more.We have a thinker,a philosopher,a half time smoker...he has his players playing his game.Converting his ideas from cranium to the pitch.He may well chide them in private but in public he's nothing but encouraging to his charges.A pat on the arse rather than a clip round the ear,As long as they play the game his way he's happy and so should we be...don't be fooled though,he has passion to burn but it's channeled correctly.To officials and opposing gin swilling directors...

So the big question: Is this the best football i have ever seen a Wolves team produce?  Yes without a doubt but with the caveat of needing to produce it against the best in the land.I think they can and i think they will...