Fur coat,no knickers…

We’re back! Etc etc… 

The whole world and his wife has commented on the return to football of fans after our little eighteen-month hiatus so I won’t bore you about it here. Instead, I’ll bore you about my return to football after our enforced break…

First up our train to Wolves was cancelled. Get the Glasgow train they said, change at Rugby and go on from there.No worries. Sat down, opened a beer…ah this feels good…bing bong. The train to Wolves is now back on, you have a couple of minutes to get your arse in gear and go get that one. In a line beloved of hack Hollywood scriptwriters, “ I’m getting too old for this shit” 

After all that I think we ended up getting to Wolves on time …Wolves station has had a bit of a makeover but it’s only superficial. Yea it looks shiny & new from the outside but peeks behind the curtains and it’s still the same drab provincial railway station. Fur coat, no knickers…If it does get the full treatment though I hope they keep the exceptionally badly drawn mural that adorns the old walkway. It’s a classic of its genre…

The town hasn't altered much since I was last there although a new building has sprung up in front of  The Prince Albert which is so non-descript I can’t describe it…

 

But the rest of the town I saw remains gloriously unchanged.The Posada wasn’t open yet but The Goose next door was and I find the most civilised way of waiting for a pub to open is go drink in the pub next door which is open…it would appear that table service in the pubs has now taken a back seat and we‘ve gone back to the jostling at the bar for drinks.To be fair if The Posada had table service they’d only get about twenty punters in…

We debated about getting down the ground early as none of us really knew how any new restrictions would pan out but British football fans are adverse to getting in the grounds too early as there’s virtually no infrastructure in place to tempt us away from the boozer.It’s all well and good clubs begging us to arrive early but they have to provide an incentive to do so.Namely good sized concourses with plenty of beer & food outlets selling good quality,reasonably priced fare…all debate was moot anyway as it turns out everything is exactly the same as it was before the Covid kerfuffle except I saw a few hand sanitizer dispensers on the wall…

I’m not very good at football analysis so this will be brief…we looked far more exciting to watch than we have for a couple of years.Bruno wants us to attack rather than protect.I like it.We dominated for large periods and continually harassed Spurs.Unfortunately we couldn’t score…fur coat,no knickers.But I fully expect knickers to be put on soon and the floodgates to open(so to speak) Nuno got a nice clap from the South Bank at the end but nothing else.A few fans were thinking stewards would be handing out the Koolaid in a mass suicide at the mere sight of the man but I’m glad to say things on the Nuno front were decidedly down beat,respectful,but downbeat…

That’s it really.All in all a pretty bog standard day at the football and after eighteen months of us fans not having a Scooby what’s gonna happen to our game a bog standard day at the football is a thing of beauty and is to be cherished…long may it continue.

Nuno The Redeemer

What Wolverhampton needs as you get off the brand spanking new station facade is a huge statue of Nuno Espirito Santo in the style of Rio’s Christ The Redeemer. It’ll make a statement to any visitors. I’d put it smack bang in the middle of that passage where Sainsbury’s sits and the God botherers try to foist pamphlets onto weary, indifferent shoppers...It can be a tourist attraction. Local hostelries? Straight on.Molineux? Turn right and follow the ring road. Heath Town favela? Hmmm, probably best not risk it, my friend...

Nuno’s sacking was a complete shock but then again it wasn't really. By the standards of the last three years, this season had been a failure. Injuries to key players have not helped, flogging Jota hasn't either as even when off form he was a tough little fucker to mark for ninety minutes...having empty stadiums has probably affected Wolves more than most too. Yes, all fans like to think they’re the loudest but the amount of pros who comment on Molineux‘s noise is a testament to our level of shoutiness..All this has taken a toll on the squad and most notably on Nuno.

He was beginning to look like a shell of the man we had taken to our hearts and had also taken us to our hearts too. Much of the football we played was a mirror image of how Nuno appeared to us. Lacking sparkle, imagination, totally moribund...but what can you expect from a loving, caring family man who was estranged from his kith and kin by a thousand miles for the best part of fifteen months? I defy anyone not to be badly affected by that...

But I don't want to focus on the last year and a bit. I’d rather focus on Nuno’s time at Wolves as a whole. Did he leave the club in a better position than when he came? Yes. Are there better players there now than when he came? Yes. Has he given the Wolves fans pride in their club? Yes. Has he got a magnificently luxurious beard? Yes.

It wasn't only about football though. Wolverhampton is the staple of music hall jokes up and down the land and has been for many years. We usually get it shoved down our throats about what a shithole the place is and by extension the people too.That’s  nonsense of course but that drip, drip of negativity wears you down and it seemed to wear the city down too, so when a parade of exotic strangers from far away places come into town and start handing out compliments about the city it galvanised everyone, even those like me who haven't lived there for many years...what makes it better was how heartfelt it all was. If Nuno was a snake oil salesman he was a bloody good one...

In the words of Ron Manager “Football is a cruel mistress” and it certainly can be but Nuno was afforded the send-off he deserved and there was plenty of tears shed both from him, his staff and fans alike...not only did he help the club believe in themselves. He helped the fans believe in themselves also. Hell, he even helped a whole city believe in itself! There are not many football people I take notice of and listen to when they speak but when Nuno waxed I was ready to drink that Kool-Aid...

.

So thank you Nuno for bringing pride back to my club and back to my city. A city that will never forget you and your wonderful contribution to its wealth fare and if there’s a go fund me for a huge fuck-off Nuno The Redeemer statue I'm in...

Lockdown football...it's shit and we know it is.

I doubt if any football fan can seriously debate whether the game is better off during lockdown than not.There may be a few contrarians who would but they're probably the same people who'd argue that walking into the middle of the motorway keeps drivers alert...

It's been a year since lockdown began and  our lives have probably changed for ever,or at least for the forseeable future, and of course the world of football is'nt immune from the outside realities despite occasionally believing itself to be so...The vast majority of us who regulary go to games are bereft of our crutch,our escape from the grind for one or two days a week for nine months of the year.If truth be told many of us miss the social side of it more than the actual game itself...

Of course football has not stopped at all,just us fans.Football without fans is like a wedding with no guests.Yes the couple get hitched but there's no family to enjoy the day,no pissed off inlaws,no full bar,no dodgy finger buffet and no brawl in the car park.It's just a thing that happens for official records and nobody gives a shit...

I have a season ticket at Wolves and go to as many games as i can during a season.I can't get to them all for a varity of reasons but probably make 65% home & away.A pretty decent amount i think.Usually i have a great crack no matter the result with good beer and good mates.I think my matchday experience is on a par with most football going football fans.Even in times of normality i find it hard to watch a televised game through the whole 90 odd minutes of the match so watching lockdown games i find almost immpossible...

The way with football is that the excitement is sporadic at best.If you get play that grips you for half of the game you're lucky.A quarter or third of decent play is the norm.The rest is filler and for me that's when my mind drifts off and i watch the crowd.During televised games it's great fun to see the twelve year old acting tough to the opponent fans or the respectable looking grandad clearly calling the ref a fucking wanker.It's fun.It's all part of the fabric of the game.The Fans are the game and when they're not there it's devoid of any sort of meaningful impact on what's going on down on the pitch.I love seeing the crowd celebrate a goal.A moment of delirium when all inhibitions are swept aside to jump all over starngers declaring your love for them...I love hearing the songs that tumble down from the stands.In the DBL(Days before lockdown) if you could hear the players on the pitch you knew it was a shitty game with no atmosphere.Now it could be the best technically sound match there's ever been but you can still hear the players and so it's meaningless and you don't give a fuck...

In some cases the tv companies have tried to counter the noiseless stadiums by providing piped in crowd noises but it does'nt work at all and to me it's an unwelcome distraction.Bless em' they try but even after all these years they have no real idea about fan culture.So they pipe in 90 mins of continious singing which just does'nt happen anywhere ever.They also add "Ohhh's" and "Ahhh's" too signifying a near miss but often it's two seconds too late.Two seconds does'nt sound much but if a team hits the bar and the reaction is'nt instant it's a fucking lifetime...

But of course all this will end once fans are allowed back in and i believe the fans will be louder than ever, for a time anyway, until the novilty wears off.One thing i fear will not change is staggered kick off times for all Premiership games.It's my belief the tv companies have wanted this for a while so they can televise every game thus making as much money as possible and this pandemic is the perfect window for that experiment.The goose is laying the golden egg and i can't see the FA providing a butt plug to stem the flow...The only people to suffer in that are us fans but hey what do we matter?

Like most fans i can't wait to get back in the stadiums for a game.Can't wait for the bad beer,bad food,bad farts and bad jokes.Can't wait for packed pre and post game pubs.Can't wait for that first walk through the subway(don't dare get rid of it Wolves council) to the southbank.Can't wait for that  dodgy as fuck double cheeseburger plastered in caramalised onions and red sauce outside the ground.Can't wait for that rancid smelling flag to be passed over our heads in the south bank.Hell i even miss Hi Ho Silver bloody Lining...

I can't fucking wait...

It's a conspiracy i tells ya...

 Conspiracy----Any concurrence in action.Combination in bringing about a given result.

When i was a callow youth parties were frequented in dank,cold flats stinking of tabs,cheap cider,farts and smelly socks.Invariably it was mostly blokes and invariably the talk got round to all sorts of wild theories concerning those in power but in truth even though we'd hot knived enough Leb Black to knock Bob Marley on his arse we all knew we were mostly talking absolute bollocks but it was a good laugh...these days conspiracy theories are anything but a good laugh.

Even if we don't admit it to ourselves nearly all of us like to think we're smarter than the average Joe,more savvy,more in the know but we temper those thoughts,we reign in our inner monologue to deal with the everyday but conspiracy theorists don't,or can't, and that's where the whole crux of many conspiracy theories come in.The idea that you've worked out the inner workings of clandestine government operations and thus are more than a mere drone is very persuasive.It gives you a grandiose feeling of superiority over those you percieve to be part of the common herd,those you percieve as below you on an intellectual level.Mere "Sheeple" if you will...

Of course conspiracies have happened,are happening and will continue to happen.I'd suggest most political killings have an element of conspiracy involved in the purest sense of the word.If more than one person decides to murder a political opponent then that's a conspiracy.Sometimes it's called terrorism but if cooperative governments are involved it's called "Procedure".Probably the biggest inter governmental conspiracy ever was the Wannsee Conference held just outside Berlin early in 1942 where the plans for the liquidation of the Jews were rubber stamped by high ranking Nazi officials.There's even a film made about it called "Conspiracy" Ironically many conspiracy theorists are now Holocaust deniers thus bringing the whole thing full circle...

We can all laugh at flat earthers,it's an easy thing to do, especially as they continue to tie themselves up in knots concocting ever elaborate theories trying to deny the rudiments of physics.Trying to convince us,and themselves probably,that the whole of the universe is some construct by NASA to...well i don't know what they think NASA gains from this.In their version of the world or in ours NASA would exist no matter what...the thing is we've all gone down the rabbit hole on occassions especially whilst flicking through You Tube videos and especially in these times of enforced lockdowns and for many of us that's fine because we come out the other side unscathed albeit a little shaken.However for some they never come back unsullied by the experience.They are susceptible and thus they're open to be moulded into a certain political agenda by those that would pray on their weakness...and not only is this not funny it's also dangerous...

It's dangerous because the political extreme right have used these platforms to reel those people in to their world view and people are now dying because of it...it's fair to say the extreme right have manipulated social media to their own ends with great effect...they're pushing anti vaccination,anti masks,anti compliance with pandemic rules etc with the aim of distabilising society.They have pushed QAnon to a point where some believers commited murder. I doubt if those behind the online conspiracies believe the tripe they're uploading but that does'nt matter because it serves a purpose for them.This has gone beyond David Ike being seen as a figure of fun and a failed footballer to him selling countless millions of books and filling out 30,000 capacity stadiums to spout his foolish bullshit which people are swallowing up like hyper active five year olds do M & M's... it's taken on a seemingly unstopable life of it's own whereby some are hoodwinked into being a danger to themselves and others... and that my friends is my own conspiracy theory.

The Lockdown Lexicon...

 Well it's been a while...

Welcome all to my blog,

This global pandemic has at least furnished us with some new words and phrases to wrap our tongues around...

Lockdown---yep,does exactly what it says on the tin.Never a good thing but usually reserved for high winds or military coups.However this past year used worlwide to help hold the spread of Covid 19.Some countries more successfully than others...

Zoom---A Zoom meeting is now the commonplace way for everyone to communicate with everyone else from high powered board meetings to recreating a pissed up pub quiz and everything inbetween.So much so that it's now become a verb."Yea he's fine,we zoomed last night" Clearly Aretha Franklin & Geroge Michael's "Who's zooming who?" was years ahead of it's time...always check your bookcase before engaging...

Self isolation---A term formally used for monks and beardy hermits living in Scottish caves is now an heroic act for anyone not leaving the house for a couple of weeks...

Quarantine---Formally used for rabid dogs crossing international borders,now used for rabid holiday makers crossing international borders...

Furlough---A word that came back to life owing to the pandemic.Back in the day it was basically the equavilent of being laid off work but "Furloughed" sounds much more eloquent and grown up don't you think? Anyway i have been furlouged for almost a year now so my fur is well and truely loughed by now...

Anti vaxxers---Here we go...nothing new in this term but it's really come to the fore recently.In the good old sepia tinted days of old the anti vaxxers claimed vaccinations gave kids autism but with the Covid vaccine being rolled out they claim it's a ruse by Bill Gates to implant tracking devices into us so he knows when we go to the toilet...ironically these claims are posted via a pc or mobile phone that can track our bowl movements.Oh sweet irony...

Normal times---You know,those perfectly normal times before things were not normal.One day the hope is to revisit "Normal times" but i doubt we will because in reality not much about how we lived our lives before the advent of adnormality was normal."Normal times" to replace "Back in my day" in the lexicon of trite nostalgia...

Mask---Masks have always been around of course and have  proved good at lessening the spread of germs,robbing banks and playing Zorro...Oriental cultures have worn them for years as a sign of respect to others when the wearer has a case of the sniffles but there are still some who believe wearing a mask is an affront to their freedom to spread their spores to others(see also anti vaxxers) I can only surmise the anti maskers would be happy to have a twelve hour heart operation with nobody in the operating theatre wearing a mask...

Corona---I look forward to the day when ordering a Corona in the bar is'nt taking the piss...