2013 awards...

It's that time of year again good people...A time to sit down and reflect on life's ups and downs,a time to ponder the future and then think "Sod this,let's go and get drunk..."

So here's my awards for this year...

The perennial Rolling Stones for-god's-sake-let-it-go-will-you barnacle encrusted throne to Sir Alex Ferguson for refusing to leave Old Trafford after retiring thus undermining the present,and any future,manager.

The inaugural duck face no Selfie respect IPhone goes to Cameron,Obama & Thorning-Schmidt for their Instagram mugging at Mandela's memorial.

The Geldof I'll-name-that-tune-in-one J.Arthur Rank gong to Kayne West for calling his daughter "North".She'll just have to be thankful he's not a Hitchcock fan otherwise she'd be "North by North".

The return of the Britney Spears Oops i did it again dropped chalice to the England Cricket team for their pre 2005 form in Australia.

The annual off-with-his-head  sword of Damocles to any football manager who does'nt win every game his team plays.Especially relevant to any below tenth in any division.

The Ian Duncan Smith Thick as mince but ego of Piers Morgan flashing neon klaxon to many football chairmen for their summary sacking of good managers and meddling with their clubs history.

The Miley Cyrus The-lady's-not-for-twerking party plastic buttocks to Lilly Allen for her video purporting to show up sexism/racism in pop music by using sexy black women twerking vigorously.Irony eh?

The Methuselah diamond encrusted Zimmer frame to Ryan Giggs for being the only person to ever reach the age of 40...

The Morrissey I-bear-more-grudges-than-lonely-high-court-judges memorial gavel to Fergie,Roy Keane and to Mozza himself.

The Ben Elton Oh-bit-of-politics-there lifetime peerage to Russel Brand.Stick to the faux Dickensian monologues mate...

The There's-a-bandwagon-a-coming-i'd-better-get-on-it-quick Gravy boat train award goes to David Cameron for all his policies since coming to power...

Finally;The good people lost to the world this year;

Seamus Heaney
Christopher Martin Jenkins
Frank Keating
Cecil Womack
Reg Presley
Richard Briers
Maxine Powell
Richard Griffiths
Hugo Chavez
James Herbert
Phil Ramone
Anne Williams
Richie Havens
Jim Mortimer
Paul Shane
Ray Manzarek
Bill Pertwee
Tom Sharpe
Henry Cecil
Elmore Leonard
Lou Reed
David Frost
James Gandolfini
Mick Aston
Bernadette Nolan
Anna Wing
Mel Smith
Iain Banks
JJ Cale
Mick Farren
David Jacobs
Tom Clancy
Phillip Chevron
Felix Dexter
Nigel Davenport
John Cole
Doris Lessing
Ray Gosling
Bill Foulkes
Lewis Collins
Peter O'Toole
Nelson Mandela

RIP.

Wolves & Orient.Time to put MAP into action...

Wolves and Leyton Orient are top two in division one,they're nine & eight points ahead of the chasing pack respectively with twenty eight games to go.It's time for the clubs to open negotiations between themselves to implement the top secret strategy know as MAP...

MAP stands for Mutual assured promotion.There are times in the cruel world of football when the super powers need to band together to protect their own status from marauding upstarts who's desire is topple and rule with their own brand of  despotic football.Make no mistake these deviants are waiting to pounce on any weakness apparent in the top two.If we're not careful then one(or both) of us could slip up in our combined goal of promotion and fall headlong into the maelstrom of doubt,recriminations and,worst of all,gloating opponents...This must not be allowed!

So much as the energy companies form a cartel Wolves & Leyton Orient need to do the same to protect their interests...So how will MAP work to our advantage in gaining promotion whilst banishing our slovenly foes to another season of scraping the division one barrel for any crumbs of comfort they can grab hold of...

First off the games involving the two giants will be pre-determined---not fixed of course,that would be crude---Some may think two draws would suffice but that would give the Barbarian hordes massing at our gates the chance to gain four points on us so i'm afraid both clubs will have to bite the bullet and have one defeat each,thus giving both clubs three points instead of one.

We also have to think of the goal difference here so i suggest instead of going through the tiresome business of actually playing each other we should both forfeit our away game.Such action will result in a 3-0 win for the home team.Orient could claim to have had their coach held up by a modern day Dick Turpin just off the North Circular  and Wolves will claim a mild case of distemper has decimated the squad...Job done.

Loans play an increasing important role in the game and we'll make full use of a co-dependent loan system between the clubs.Each first team eleven will be on the bench of the other club on matchdays.There will have to be some tinkering with the fixtures to make sure we play on separate days of course,but imagine it.Wolves need a goal? bring on Mooney.Orient need to see out a 1-0 lead? bring on Danny Batth.Simple and effective...

What else can be done to ensure MAP is an unmitigated success? There could be a sustained smear campaign aimed at all our rivals in the media emitting from the Black Country and East London in order to diminish their challenge further.I feel that Orient CEO Barry Hearn may be best suited to orchestrate this as he seems to have a certain expertise in this field...Planted stories about managers & players will help to undermine team morale,especially if it involves spurious claims of John Terry type shenanigans with team mates partners...

The fans of both respective clubs can help too.If enough Wolves and Orient fans turn up at our rivals home games we can destabilise them by booing at every opportunity(it's important to be spread around the ground so as not to arouse suspicion) jeering their star players and chanting for their manager's/chairman's head.In the case of Rotherham's Steve Evans calling for his head should be a nationwide campaign...

We will fall short of actually injuring rival players but there are other ways to get to them.Every opportunity should be taken to remind Bradford's Nahki Wells that he really has a very silly name for instance.Telling Coventry's Leon Clarke that Paolo di Canio was right etc.Nothing hurts a player more than a blow to his ego...If any of them are on Twitter keep sending them ads for Viagra and penis enhancement...It all helps.

If we can get this into action then success will be guaranteed for the two giants of division one,finally leaving the lower orders behind to wallow in misery.If it fails then i'm afraid we'll have to resort to good old fashioned bribery...

MAP... It's nasty,dishonest,undignified,cynical and downright wrong.But hey,that's football...

Danny Batth...The heart of new Wolves

Danny points the way.

"Danny Batth's from Brierley Hill,Brierley Hill,Brierley Hill.Danny Batth's from Brierly Hill,Fuck off Johnson" This is what the Wolves fans sing to our young centre back and occasional captain Daniel Tanveer Batth.Now i realise that as a song it's probably not up there with anything Bob Dylan,Neil Young or even Miley Cyrus may compose(Although Miley's interpretation on video would be interesting) but to Wolves it speaks volumes...

The malaise that enveloped the club these last few years has been well documented and one of the main totems of that maliase ----Roger Johnson,he named in Batth's song---Has been banished to Sheffield Wednesday---In an obvious attempt to add to his record of three successive relegations---- to be replaced by local youngster Danny Batth at the heart of Wolves defence,a defence that has conceded only ten goals in seventeen games.In the few games Batth played last season, either alongside or in place of  Johnson it was obvious to all those watching he should be a permanent name on the teamsheet.All except the manager at the time that is.It was only the arrival of Kenny Jackett in the summer who instantly recognised Batth's importance to the club that prevented him from being cherry picked by other clubs.

As the song says, Danny Batth was born in Brierley Hill----A small Black Country town about five miles from Wolverhampton----and has been at the club since the age of ten,it was only last season however that he broke into the Wolves team at the age of twenty two after playing nearly a hundred league games on loan to Colchester and both Sheffield clubs.At the start of this season he was made first choice centre half and in truth it's now hard to imagine a Wolves team without him in it.

Batth(pronounced Bart) is of Punjabi Sikh descent and at a solid 6" 2" gives lie to the prevailing belief among some that Asians would never make good footballers cos' of their slight build----Have they never seen Kabaddi? It's brutal! Those lads certainly are'nt lacking in the physical stakes---The same nonsense used to be said of footballers from Afro Caribbean backgrounds many years ago.That they were'nt brave enough or that they could'nt read the game.Is'nt it about time this rubbish stopped?

Anyway i digress.From the moment i first saw Batth on his Wolves  league debut i was impressed.He was playing alongside Roger Johnson and within the first couple of minutes he was covering his back when he cleared a through ball that Johnson failed to intercept and his ability to read the game and speed to cover impending danger is what places him above any other centre half in division one,or indeed the Championship,in my opinion...If he continues to progress he has a great future in the game,whether it's at Wolves or not remains to be seen...

He's also good in the air and uses his timing to win balls against bigger opponents,although to be fair this has not really been needed too much as most of the football i have seen this season has been played on the ground rather than lumped up to a grizzled old hairy arsed striker.With his ariel power he's also a danger in the opponents penalty box at corners and free kicks.

One slight criticism is that sometimes his distribution out of defence could be better,hopefully that's something being worked on in training.

But Daniel Tanveer Batth is not just a good player.To my mind he represents a whole new beginning at Wolves.A local youth who's come through the ranks to put pride back in the club.a local lad who will hopefully stay with the club and one day become Captain in his own right rather than as stand in Captain to Sam Ricketts(Who's done a sterling job) Batth is the best home grown defender i have seen at Wolves since the heady days of Joleon Lescott.I admit there's not been a lot of competition but just to be mentioned in the same breath as Lescott shows how highly i rate Batth...

Danny Batth.The heart of new Wolves...From Brieley Hill.

The like's of us...

There many things that piss me off about football,far too many to mention here...However my real bet noir---apart from bloggers using pretentious foreign terms in an effort to appear intellectual---is the phrase "Team's like..." These simply deceptive two little words hide a multitude of sins.Most notably arrogance,willful disrespect and massive delusions of grandeur...

This short phrase is only usually used in a pejorative sense, most commonly "We should be beating teams like xxxx." or "We should'nt be losing to teams like xxxx." to the less often used but equally reprehensible "We should'nt even be playing teams like xxxx"This attitude pre-supposes the inherent superiority of one club over another by nothing more than the dint of...Well frankly i don't have a clue to be honest...

I noticed it reared it's ugly head again this week on Twitter where a few---a minority thankfully---Wolves fans were tweeting that "Wolves should'nt be losing to a team like Walsall" However we did,and there's the rub.No matter how much this jaundiced hoary old trite is trotted out it keeps slapping those who believe it in the chops...

Before i get howls of protest from Wolves fans this is not a slight on my fellow fans,This happens at many,if not all,clubs.Not only that, i have heard it uttered by players and professional commentators on the game(who really should know better) indeed only three season's ago Wolves were one of those teams others should'nt have been losing to,most notably Man Utd,Man City,Chelsea,Spurs & Liverpool.Boy it was great to give them a bloody nose and send them packing.The likes of us beat all of the likes of them and we loved it...

Ok you could argue that those clubs are of such a high standing---well four of them are...ok then, three---that they had every right to feel they should not be losing to the like's of us.But i also saw comments from Everton,Newcastle,Sunderland & Villa fans on the now defunct BBC 606 website pushing out the very same nonsense.These are four clubs that have spent more time fighting relegation these last ten years than bothering the scorers at the top of,or even the middle, of the table...

This conceit is'nt just restricted to domestic football either.After their loss to Luxemburg some of the good denizens of Northern Ireland were coming out with this rubbish too...Northern Ireland if you please! There are'nt many international teams lower in the FIFA rankings but still they find someone to lord it over and still they lose to them...

Maybe it's a size thing---Like kids having a pissing competition---Some people find it hard to take being beaten by a so called "Smaller" club.As if having a higher wage bill,bigger fan base or more illustrious history counts on the field of play.It does'nt.What matters on the field of play is hard work,skill,confidence,healthy respect for the opposition & determination to succeed.What does'nt matter is a team taking to the pitch thinking they already have the game won because they should'nt lose to a team like this...

What of the teams others should'nt be losing too? Well mostly they'd be pretty pumped up for the game anyway but in these Twitterish days all the boss has to do is print off a few ill advised comments and pin them to the dressing room wall and hey presto! Team talk sorted...

The ironic thing is that i imagine many of those who say such things love nothing more than a good old fashioned giant killing except when it happens to their team as.you've guessed it, "We should'nt be losing to the likes of them..."

Wolves next game is another local derby at Shrewsbury...Now really we should'nt be losing to the likes of THEM!

Welcome to Hell...It's not all bad...

Many Wolves fans thought two consecutive demotions from the Premiership to Division One was akin to being plunged headlong into the fiery depths of Hades.Infact Hell's proved to be quite pleasant at this time of year...

Although boss Kenny Jackett has cobbled together a virtually new squad many of them have played together for years coming through the youth ranks so bedding a new team in has not been a problem and we have hit the ground running with five wins and one draw out of the first six league games.We're not top,that honour goes to Leyton Orient who've won all their league games so far.A tremendous effort from the O's.

To be honest we have'nt been at our best yet---apart from gubbing a very poor Gillingham---and on Saturday we were outplayed by a very good Swindon team, but we score goals even when struggling so we always have a chance...

Expectation is growing among the fans which can be a double edged sword of course.However just having fans who now expect to see us win a game is such a sea change from the last few years when the only expectation was that we would fail game after game.Yes it could be said we're "Only" playing Div One teams but that's because we are a Div One team,and deservedly so...

The fans at Wolves are starting to get back onside with the club too---obviously winning helps,but we can also see what the club are trying to do to move forward and we like it----Home gates are now close to the 20k mark and our away support has been nothing short of phenomenal with all out away ticket allocations at games sold out so far.We're still about 8k short of the crowds we were getting at Molineux when we were in the Premiership though.Clearly those missing fans would rather see us getting gubbed weekly by players they've heard of than watching us play fast exciting attacking football against players they don't know...No doubt they'll come back one day and make the place a lot quieter than it is now...

To be honest i have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of football i have seen in this division.Many think the lower leagues are just populated by hairy arsed bruisers who just lump the ball forward in the hope of picking up the knockdowns but i have seen lots of quick incisive passing and moving from many teams...

Maybe it's the inevitable trickle down effect from the Premiership where young homegrown talent has to look to the lower leagues to continue their careers as they're not getting a chance in the top league.Incidently i think the quality of the Premiership has diminished considerably over the last few years...

We still have forty league games left and there will inevitably be some hiccups along the way,especially as we have such a young squad but i expect us to be challenging with the top teams at the end of the season...

Welcome to Hell...

The Premiership so far...It's been a long hard season.

It's a Marathon not a sprint...

Arsenal) There seems to be disquiet among the Gooners about their club not spending any money so far this season,most notably on twitter from Piers Morgan who appears to have installed himself as leader of the unofficial Wenger out campaign.Despite losing to a young Villa team on opening day they will be fine.Nowhere near as bad as their own fans think.Have to get a settled forward line and drop the needless red cards...

Aston Villa) Had a tough time last year but survived with help from the goals of Benteke.Need to keep him if it's possible.They're a very young team but have some decent players.However sometimes watching them is like watching kids in the park all chasing the ball at the same time...Dare i say they need some experience down the spine of the team.

Cardiff)What a great fillip the 3-2 win over Man City is for them.One of the favourites to get relegated but may well survive if they can make the most of their home form in front of a hostile crowd.Maybe the away teams will be blindsided by the blue & red shirts donned by the Blue(red)birds fans...

Chelsea)Roman Abramovitch once got shot of Jose Mourinho because he wanted Chelsea to play attractive football all the time whilst still winning league titles.Six/seven/eight managers later---seriously who's counting?---and he's sussed that for league titles pragmatism may win the day so bought back the self styled "Special One" ----Don't know if Jose knows that being called "Special" in the UK has different connotations to his meaning---After three games his team have played well for one half and ground out the rest of the games gaining seven points on the way.Last night at Old Trafford he employed the Craig Levine school by not playing a striker...It's gonna be a long season.But ultimately could be a title winning one.

Crystal Palace) Everyone's whipping boys i'm afraid.Not that i think they're really that bad but not strong enough for the Premiership.For one thing they won't score enough goals.When the lily livered Chamakh is your striking focal point you have severe problems.Expect lots of unfounded conspiracy theories concerning bias from boss Ian Holloway...

Everton)Will Roberto Martinez turn them into Wigan part 2? If they lose their best players in the next two transfer windows they could well struggle to emulate the relative success of recent years...Expect discontent from their fans especially if ex manager Moyes buys Fellaini & Baines...

Fulham) With Super Mario taking over the reigns from freaky Al Fayed at The Cottage they have more money to spend on players.Have already bought Parker & Taarabt to compliment Berbatov but need to strengthen the defence...Will do what Fulham tend to do and finish mid table after flirting with relegation...

Hull City) Their new owner has insisted they be called Hull City Tigers.They won't be of course,except in jest.Did well to bring in Livermore & Huddlestone from Spurs.Tom Huddlestone in particular is a fine addition as he will run their midfield,he's not going to cut his hair till he scores.We're all hoping he grows the biggest Afro in history before that day comes....Think they'll have enough to stay up,just...

Liverpool) Say it quietly but there may be finally something going on at Liverpool after years of under achieving.If Sturridge can strike up his partnership with Suarez again---Providing Suarez does'nt spend half the term at the FA getting suspended---goals won't be a problem.Have also signed one of the best Premiership goalkeepers in Mignolet.Might be challenging for top four...

Man City) Got rid of Roberto Mancini for some reason or other---Footballing reason's barely seem to matter these days---Could win everything.Could just as easily not win a thing.This is Man City we're talking about here and messing up seems to be hotwired into their DNA(And this coming from a Wolves fan!) No one better going forward when they hit their straps but struggle at the back when Kompany is'nt playing.Joe Hart has also lost his mojo a bit too...

Man Utd) New manager! That's not been written about United for twenty five years.New boss David Moyes clearly clued up on Fergie's handbook by whinging about the fixtures even before the season began.Still need to strengthen at the back and get a commanding midfielder in.If Rooney goes and Van Persie gets injured may struggle(By struggle i mean finish second of course.It's all relative...)

Newcastle)Mags boss Alan Pardew is already getting his excuses in early so we can expect a hard season ahead.Like Man City you can always trust Newcastle to find ever inventive ways of messing up...If results don't go their way expect to see an unshaven Pardew by mid October...Expect to see a new manager by November.

Norwich)Signed the wonderfully named Ricky van Wolfswinkel in the summer.Does'nt appear to do much but very good in the air.Needs a good supply of crosses from the wing.Need to start picking up more points away from Carrow Road to remain away from bottom six...

Southampton) Always look good and with the manic Pablo Osvaldo joining Ricky Lambert upfront will be a bit of a force.Top ten is clearly not out of the question.Saints keep producing good youngsters too,especially left backs and they have unearthed another in Shaw.Expect a £10m bid from an un-named London club soon...

Spurs) "One nil to the Tottenham" Two games,two 1-0 wins.Both goals from penalties...George Graham would be proud.The Bale saga is still ongoing.Obviously the sooner it's sorted out the better for all concerned,especially Spurs, as---let's be honest here---£90m is a shed load of money and no player is worth that.Mind you Real Madrid still have'nt paid up for the last player they got from Spurs so don't hold your breath.Top four a possibility esp if they've gone all Arsenal circa mid 90's on us...

Stoke) A football revolution is taking place in the Potteries.Instead of  just humping the ball to the big lads upfront,under Mark Hughes they now pass it to each other a couple of times before humping the ball to the big lads upfront...Have struggled to score goals the last few seasons and will continue to do so...

Sunderland)This is the season we find out if Paolo Di Canio is any good as a top manager.Needs a goalscorer if Fletcher remains sidelined for much longer.Like Newcastle the fans will get restless pretty quickly if things don't start going right soon...Di Canio is already referring to himself in the third person.A worrying sign...

Swansea)So South Wales have two representatives in the Premiership for the first time ever.Doubtful if Swansea can reproduce the form from last season but have enough to stay out of trouble.Expect a lot of puns from newspapers with their impressive looking new signing Wilfried Bony...

West Brom) Suppose i'd better be objective here---Much as it pains me---West Brom will be fine but nowhere as good as last season.Now they have lost Lukaka and possibly Anelka(along with the recalcitrant Obemiwinge) They will be relying on Shane Long for goals.He's ok but will never get more than maybe ten a season.Needs help.Have done well to sign Sinclair from Man City's reserves.A lot could depend on how long the impressive goalkeeper Ben Foster is out for...

West Ham)Big Sam has finally laid the ghost of the "West Ham way" and now seems to have most Hammers fans onside...The service Matty Jarvis provides will be crucial.Still the best crosser of a ball in the Premiership by a mile.If Kevin Nolan & Joe Cole can keep producing the goods i can see a top ten finish...

So that's my look at the Premiership teams...

Meanwhile in Division One...

More than just another game...The promise of a bright future...

You could sense the tension walking to the ground on Saturday.After beginning with a creditable 0-0 draw at much fancied World Wrestling competitors Preston in the previous league game and then a non event defeat at our bogey team Morecambe in midweek the brave new world at Wolves was struggling to get into first gear...

Before the game there was a moving tribute to Dave Wagstaffe,the ex Wolves player and arguably the best winger never to play for  England,who sadly died earlier in the week at the age of 70.----RIP Waggy----The atmosphere in the South Bank was pretty charged for what non Wolves fans would regard as a routine league game.But every home fan knew the significance of what was about to occur.It was cranked up a notch by the kick off being delayed for ten minutes.Presumably so that the Gillingham manager,Martin Allen could squeeze into his frankly ridiculous red Chinos...

It's been well documented what's happened at the club these last two years and new manager Kenny Jackett is well aware of the schism between the club and it's fans.Indeed he's made a point of talking about it on several occasions.But the goodwill is slowly coming back helped by putting the emphasis on young homegrown players.Players who have no baggage about playing in front of a Molineux crowd known to make nervous out of form players cower and disappear in the past.These players know they have the fans backing from the off.They also appear to have carte blanche to attack and entertain,especially at home...

Wolves started at a brisk pace and it was no surprise when we took the lead on five minutes.A raking crossfield pass from Captain Sam Ricketts found Griffiths in space on the edge of the area,he took it on his chest and volleyed a sweet left footer into the bottom corner.Dare i say it but that was a finish Steve Bull would have been proud of...

This is the first time i've seen Leigh Griffiths live and he look's a player.Never mind his natural goal scoring ability he also makes space by being constantly on the move---he must be a bugger to mark----Has a great first touch and can spot a pass.Not bad for £150,000!

Griffiths has had his run ins over the last few years with authorities---Both within football and in the real world---And there's no doubt he can be what's termed as a loose cannon.But i'm also sure he'd become a target for every Jakey in Scotland wanting to make a name for themselves by giving it to him.Leaving his own country and settling in the Midlands may be the making of him.At only 22 he has time to mature and make a name for himself in the right way...

It was all Wolves and no great surprise when Lee Evans grabbed his first goal for the club either.Latching on to a Griffiths shot/cross to steer the ball into the corner.Again this was my first view of Evans live and he looked comfortable in the middle of the park alongside David Davies---who had his best game for us by a long way----Another player who looks a bit of a bargain at £200,000.

Bakary Sako grabbed the third---He's only been at Wolves a year but seemed like a grizzled old veteran compared to most of his team mates---His blast into the top corner nearly uprooted the goals from the pitch.he was nicely set up by Zeli Ismail,another player i was seeing live for the first time.he's got something about him without a doubt.

Ismail is Albanian born His mother came to the UK as a refugee with the then three year old Zeli.They settled in Heath Town,Wolverhampton---Not unlike Albania but with a better bus service,i'm an ex Heath Town resident so can say this----He's been at the club since he was ten and may have made an impact earlier but lost his way a bit,partly due to an ex coach saying he'd be the first £100m footballer.At 15 you don't need that kind of pressure.Anyway he's 19 now and hopefully his career at Wolves is about to explode.

The one way traffic continued after the break but the only reward was the most obvious penalty your ever going to see expertly converted by Griffiths...

So 4-0 in the end and it could have been double that but never mind.I'm happy to keep a few goals back for tighter games.The manner of the win was most pleasing however.The young lads showed a vibrant attacking game many Wolves fans feared we'd never see again,We made more chances in this one game than about six last season...

It's quite nice coming out of the ground happy with the team's performance...It's been a while since that happened.

Wolves 4 Gillingham 0 Hopefully a game that saw the new Wolves rise from the ashes...

The 7 unofficial rules of life...A self help Blog.

I don't know how well self help books do in the rest of the world but in the UK we tend to shun such fripperies as against our national psych,which, as you all know, is stiff to the point of rigor mortis...

Anyway i thought i'd redress the balance on here.I don't go in for psychobabble----I'm British after all---but i feel if you follow these rules and undoubted truisms of life you won't go far wrong.(But if you do it's a waste of time suing me as i'm as broke as a Greek hobo)

1) If you're buying a round of drinks and one of your number wants a Guinness----It seems popular,though for the life of me i can't see it.Is it a drink or industrially recovered slurry?---Then order that first before any of the other drinks.Y'see it takes about three minutes to pour a real Guinness so it gives the bartender time to get the rest of the drinks.If you don't follow this simple rule not only will you wait longer for your drink but those waiting to be served will henceforth know you as a "Bloody waste of space amateur dickhead"

2)Talking of nicknames:There are no rules regarding nicknames.They are what they are,be it rude,crude or downright unfathomable.I'm on about real clever nicknames like Chariots(Martin Offiah) or Afghanistan(Mark Waugh,twin brother of ex Aussie cricketer Steve.Afghanistan= The forgotten war) The habit of adding "Y" to the end of the recipients real name is lazy in the extreme.The best nicknames are those that last a lifetime,especially when the only people who know your real name are your family...But there is one rule everyone should stick to...Nicknames are earned,either through looks,an unfortunate incident or an inspired bit of piss taking.You can never,ever----and i can't stress this enough----choose your own nickname.If in doubt see Paul "The Guv'nor" Ince or David "kid" Jensen(Now close to 60,but to his credit not on bail)

3)"Alright?" "Yea fine thanks" "you?.. That's the conversation we all have daily with casual aquanintances.It means nothing apart from keeping to the script of social protocol.At a push the weather can be discussed or the awful journey into work but the one thing that can't be discussed is the truth.Imagine this: "Alright?" " Well not really,i have debts up to my eyeballs,the kids are running amock and i think the missus is having an affair,i'm at the end of my tether..." See? No bugger wants that at 8am.You've got your own problems...

4)Ah work.I think it's a truism that  many of us don't actually know what even our closest friends & family do at work.we have an idea and  know their title but that's it.When in a social situation like a party it's fraught with danger.If you ask someone what they do you've already switched off after ten seconds and are now wondering if you've remembered to record the football.Keep the description of what you do concise otherwise you've lost them.Never say "I dabble in this and that" They'll think you're a crook.Never say "I import and export" They'll think you're a drug dealer.Never say "I'm a banker" they'll think you're a twat...

5)To paraphrase Sartre "Hell is other people's babies" Yes we're all happy when those close to us have a baby of course...but,well you know.The excited parents regail all and sundry with the joys of the first crawl,walk,word,nappy filler etc...and then there's the photo's,oh lord the many many photo's....And we all do our duty of feigning interest whilst dying a little inside.It's only the restraining social fabric that stops us screaming " That's the ugliest baby i've ever seen,poor bugger's got a face like a lizard's chuff" The rule is;Respect the restraints of other's pride and joy.It may be your turn one day. otherwise you'll never be invited anywhere by anyone ever again...

6)Embrace your inner child: Now this sounds like a load of new age drippy hippy bollocks and of course it is but there's nothing wrong with being a bit silly in your dotage,jumping in puddles,chasing balloons etc.So yes embrace your inner child just as long as that child is happy,carefree and lights up the room...If it's a bit of a whiny brat don't bother.there's nothing remotely attractive about a 47 year old with the sulks.If your inner child is a cross between Violet Elizabeth Bott and Chucky then it's advisable to keep your inner child inside you.Deep,deep inside you...

7)The water cooler moment; Now obviously this is'nt meant to be taken literally.The only conversation i've ever had at the water cooler goes thus " Where's the bloody cups? who's job is it to replace the cups? Ferchrissakes..." No it pertains to the Zeitgeist,usually the tv Zeitgeist,usually the reality tv Zeitgeist.Simple rule.If someone starts up a conversation with " Did you see Big Brother/X Factor/I'm a Z list celebrity get me some publicity  ?" The correct, indeed the only, reply is "Oh do fuck off " Trust me you'll feel much better and will also be doing the world a favour...

These are my seven rules.Stick with these and you won't go far wrong.You won't go right either but hey,i'm not here to save the world...

Trolls? Buttons? What freaky Pantomime is this?

Up until a few years ago i thought a Troll was a Norwegian myth on a par with Thor,Odin and the a-ah reunion,but since i have become au fait with the internet i have found out Troll is also the name given to any inadequate person who fires off the vilest of insults/threats to those in the news.This is a big story at the moment...

Trolling is not a new thing.Anyone in the public eye will tell you of the horrible letters they've received in the days before social media.Ex Radio One dj and sometimes TV presenter Nicky Campbell said this morning that just before his first child was due about fifteen years ago he got a letter hoping she was still born.So it's nothing new,What's new is that Trolling in the past took effort.Write a letter,address it and then post.Now all it requires is the ability to compose a Tweet and press send.

It's also much more noticeable than it was.Unless the recipient made any disgusting letter public we never got to hear about such things.Now anyone with access to Twitter or Facebook can see what's been posted by these Trolls.

The last few days has seen trolling in the spotlight due to both Caroline Criado Perez & Professor Mary Beard being bombarded with the vilest of Tweets about murder & rape.Their crime in bringing such a response from these sad individuals? Perez wants Jane Austen to be featured on a banknote and Mary Beard,well it appears that she received abuse simply for being Mary Beard( The Beard incident was quickly resolved when the Troll in question was threatened with his Mother being told via another Twitter user.)

Since these two incidents there have been calls for Twitter to have an "Abuse Button" whereby anyone who feels they're being abused by another Tweeter can report it to Twitter.I have to admit i find this a rather scary prospect.Not,i hasten to add because i am a Troll or support any Trolls in their stupidity,but because i know how ridiculously fragile some people on social media can be.Potentially every discussion on Twitter where two or more people disagree with each other will end with the "Abuse button" being pushed.You think i'm exaggerating? how many times do you hear of people ringing 999 cos' their bloody kettle's broken down or something equally pathetic? See? The twitter police would be inundated...

Talking of police,Twitter are not the police.Yes they have the right to police their own site but threats of violence,inc murder & rape are beyond their remit and should be left to the real police.Any threat of violence or racism is illegal and should be acted on accordingly.Not left to a Twitter button being operated to alert the server.There is a difference between abuse and illegality but sadly i doubt if many Tweeters will consider this in the heat of the moment.

If a Tweeter feels they have a valid case to get the police involved there are tried and trusted ways to go about it.indeed a few people have been successfully prosecuted using this method over the last 18 months.Anyway from what i can see Twitter is self policing.For every Troll aiming threats/abuse there are usually a hundred firing back in support.

Unfortunately the good side of twitter is not newsworthy.It's a truism that you can meet 99 perfectly nice people a day but it's the one arsehole met that you remember...

I hope Twitter does'nt cave into pressure from worldwide Governments to include this "Abuse button" To my mind it would be the first step to Twitter being regulated by an outside body...The death knell to to a phenomenon that has brightened up millions and millions of lives worldwide and afforded many a freedom
of self expression they never envisaged...

Wolves fans...Let's get it on...

Excuse the laboured Marvin Gaye reference but that's what us Wolves fans need to do to help our young team lay down the foundations for the future success of the club...

Over the years us Wolves fans have gained,rightly or wrongly,quite a reputation.Both good and bad.We're seen as being very passionate but also alarmingly fickle.We turn up in our numbers despite the sort of slump that would have Chancellor Gideon Osborn reaching for the inhaler---On the back of two relegations our average gate is still over 22,000---However it's well known that at Molineux we can put pressure on our own team when things are'nt going well,this leads to Wolves players becoming nervous playing at home which usually leads to things not going well.A vicious circle that has cost us many points over the last two years.

Is it up to the players to lift the fans or visa versa?My feelings are that the fan/player relationship is symbiotic.Both need each other to perform for the good of that relationship.Ever been to a game with hardly any fans attending? Dead as a Dodo and boring as hell.

So we need to get behind our young revitalised team from the off---An away game thankfully,so less pressure on the youngsters---and then stay behind them through the bad times too.I'm confident this will happen.Many Wolves fans can see the club are doing what we've wanted for a while,get the young players involved.that being the case we need to keep our side of the bargain and back them to the hilt.Not just by turning up but by making as much noise as we can...

Every team that plays us will be wanting our scalp,especially at Molineux,so we need to make our own ground as intimidating as possible for them---I mean legally,in the stands---Instead of wilting under the pressure of expectation i want our young players to be inspired by us and us by them...

Wolves fans have always argued  with each other.You get two or three together and the only thing they'd agree on is that Stevie Bull was ok and Jamie O'Hara should take a hike.But surely we can all agree that this young team need as much backing from us as we can give...

Season ticket sales are understandably down to about 10,000--Mine came in the post last week-- but i expect there to be about 16/18,000 for our opening home game.If we do well i can see our average gate being above 20,000 again.To be honest though i'd rather have 10/12,000 all making a terrific noise than 20,000 shop dummies just sitting there watching.Being a fan is not just a spectator sport,it's about participation too.A good loud crowd can enhance a game by 100% easily...

Considering what we've been through these last couple of years us Wolves fans have kept their sense of humour----Ignore the so called riot at the Burnley game.It was very small beer in the scheme of things---Basically all the Wolves fans have taken the Black Country default setting in bad times.We've taken the piss.If the Wolves fans are ripping the piss out of their own team the opposition fans have nowhere to go really...Note at Brighton where relegation was confirmed the home fans joined in with us instead of ripping into us...In this respect i have never been more proud to be a Wolves fan...

The one thing we fans have to do is accept that whilst we're in this division we're a division one club.What i mean is we should'nt be thinking we don't deserve to be here,we're better than this division etc.We are where we are because we deserve to be.We have no divine right.We have what we have and we need to get on with the job of trying to put ourselves in a better position.Others may see us as the "Big" club in this league but everyone involved with the club inc us fans should show a wee bit of humility.Some players thought we were better than we were last season---Henry,O'Hara.Maybe a few others---and never got to grips with the reality of the situation.I hope us fans don't fall into the same trap...

Wolves fans have a massive part to play this season,especially at Molineux.To use a well worn cliche we need to be the twelfth man,a very loud supportive one...

Wolves fans...Let's get it on...

Time for the cubs to come of age...

Wolves manager Kenny Jackett spoke a few weeks ago about how this could be the best time to be a young player at Wolves as all the club's youth will be given a chance to get into the first team squad.So far in the five friendlies played---Unbeaten----he's been as good as his word by giving all the young Wolves cubs a decent run out...There are eleven home produced players in the squad of twenty six with a further five bought for the future.The future,it seems,has arrived sooner than anyone envisaged...

No matter which team you support every fan wants to see their own players come through the ranks to hold down a first team place and become a star,inevitably to be sold to a bigger richer club.It's almost a badge of honour.There could be a few games in the coming season where nine or ten of the team are home produced...

This is not a situation borne out of long term forward thinking by the club however,it's one borne out of necessity.Double relegation has forced us to cut back drastically on wages and get rid of the high earners at Wolves.Normally having to ditch your "star" players is the death knell for a club but as these so called "stars" are directly responsible for us dropping like a stone these last two years all Wolves fans are happy to see them go as soon as possible...So not being able to afford,or attract,the type of players needed to revive the clubs fortunes we've looked inward to our own...

We have a saying in Britain "Every cloud has a silver lining" The darkest of clouds that's hung over Molineux these last two seasons could indeed have the brightest of silver linings in the shape of new boss KJ given carte blanche to fill his team with young vibrant ambitious players,many of whom come from our own youth academy.I am already getting excited for the future of Wolves.Hopefully all those that run the club have learnt valuable lessons these last few years...

Arguably if we had stayed up last season the young players would never have got their chance and many would have drifted off without ever getting close to Wolves first team.But now they are in a position to make the most of their situation.There will be those that fail of course and will need to be replaced but also there will be players who come through that will become legends at Wolves...At least they're being given a fair crack of the whip.Now it's up to them...

Some have been expected to sparkle for a long time.Players like Danny Batth and Zeli Ismail have been receiving rave reviews for a while now.Ismail was once described by a former youth coach as potentially the first £100M footballer.Talk about putting undue pressure on one so young! If Batth continues his progress then i can see him as a future captain of Wolves...

There will also be players that come through who are virtually unknown even by Wolves fans.Jack Price has been doing well in the pre-season games apparently.A month ago you'd be hard pressed to find a Wolves fan who'd heard of him...

Another potential happy outcome of giving youth it's head will be the ability of the club to attract better youth players to the club.If we become known as a club that gives young players a fair chance of first team football we become a far more attractive proposition in the scramble to get the best youngsters available...A win win situation.

I get the feeling many Wolves fans are more confident about the future of the club than they were six weeks ago.But we will need to learn how to become more patient with the players.Young players will produce moment of magic but also are prone to more mistakes than their more experienced counterparts so we need to give them our full support and lay off their backs when things go wrong occasionally,as they surely will...

The new season begins in ten days---Sorry Prem fans,you're annual scramble for the glory of pursuing 4th place does'nt start till the 17th Aug---For my part i can't wait to see our new look team do it's stuff...

Cheat? The moral maze...

In yesterday's Ashes Cricket test at Nottingham there was an incident in which England's Stuart Broad clearly hit the ball which was caught at slip by Australian captain Michael Clarke.He was clearly out but the umpire did'nt give the correct decision for some reason probably only known to himself.So Broad stayed at the crease and continued with his innings...This has created quite a storm in the world of Cricket.

Many who don't follow Cricket would'nt really see what the problem is.They would point out that the Umpire made a complete hash of his job in this instant and Broad got lucky.As you were,carry on...

However cricket has this unwritten rule of etiquette called "Walking" in which the batsman basically gives himself out before waiting for the umpire's decision.Indeed earlier in the day English batsman Bairstow did just that when he was out...But in truth it's rare that any batsman does this these days.Infact it's rare that many batsman has ever done so in the whole history of the game.One of the most famous players ever to play the game,WG Grace, famously refused to leave the crease even when given out by the umpire early in his innings saying he'd stay because the crowd had come to see him not the umpire...Lords,the famous old ground which is the cricket equivalent to Wembley has a set of iron gates named in his honour...

So to my mind Broad did'nt cheat,he just took advantage of a bad decision.Apparently to some folks eyes it was against the "Spirit of the game" A nebulous term at best.If the spirit of the game was all prevailing there would'nt be the need for officials to oversee that the rules of the game are being adhered to surely? The only sports i know that are basically self regulating are Golf & Snooker...

This incident has changed my mind a little bit though,especially with regards to Football...If i back Broad,which i do,how can i then condemn players such as Suarez or Bale for diving to gain a penalty? They are,after all,just trying to take advantage of a referee's decision in the same way Broad did.This is further complicated by most sports fans being notoriously one eyed hypocrites when it comes to their own teams.If a player clearly dives to gain a penalty against my team i will be up in arms shouting "Cheat".If a Wolves player does the same i will keep quiet with a knowing wink to my fellow Wolves fans...

So what is cheating? The Broad incident and footballers diving seem to be spur of the moment choices made by the players rather than any pre-ordained regime of blatantly trying to cheat the sport.Like say Lance Armstrong did for years and many athletes have, and continue to do so,  taking performance enhancing drugs to gain an advantage and beat their opponents.Christ it was government policy in the old Eastern Bloc!

No doubt Broad will be nudged by the MCC to issue an apology of some sort for not holding up the "Spirit of the game" whilst taking dogs abuse from every Aussie whenever he takes the field---Is sledging against the spirit of the game or just so called "Banter"?---Then it will go down in the history of the game as an "Unsavoury incident" Along with all the other ones.Just check out You-Tube to see plenty of "Unsavoury incidents" that have littered the sport over the years.

Having nailed my colours to the Broad mast i now have to be consistent in my judgment of what is cheating but as i am a one eyed sporting hypocrite i'll probably go ape whenever an opponent does the same against my team...

This Sporting Life...

Great Britain has long been seen as the home of the plucky loser in the sporting world.Gallant but ultimately doomed to failure.Dammit we invented most of the sport played worldwide but until recently the rest of the sporting planet pitched up and beat us laughingly easily...Not any more.

The one thing we've always done well at is putting on a good show so that these foreign ne'er-do-well's can come over here to show us how the game should be played with barely a backward glance towards the dashed hopes and torn up betting slips of an entire nation.Ungrateful bastards...The other thing we do better than anyone else is support.Witness any international sporting event in which a GB team(or it's constituent parts) is participating,especially abroad,and our fans are there in numbers.It's easy to pitch up to support your chosen team when winning but the British fan has been doing so for years of very slim pickings indeed.This takes both dedicated loyalty bordering on the psychotic combined with the masochistic glee of a politician in a gimp mask...All those years of blind faith are now being repaid.And how...

Yesterday's Wimbledon win by Andy Murray finally put to bed the annual counting up of how many years it's been since a male British winner of the event---77 years incidentally,well 1 day now to be precise---Murray has long divided folk on these islands,some see him as dour---A stupid accusation,but even if he is his Tennis certainly is'nt.Top level sport is a serious business.If you want clowns jumping through hoops go watch the circus----He's even being accused by some of not being properly British but only Donald Trump would agree with this ridiculous argument.

A few years ago Murray looked like he may continue the great British tradition of being a talent unencumbered by meaningful titles but something changed about two years ago.That change was hiring Ivan Lendl as coach.Lendl is not known as a man of demonstrative outward signs of emotion but he knows Tennis.His knowledge and calmness are just what Murray needs when things are going badly on the court.The last thing a player needs when looking up to the coach for guidance is someone flapping around like a seagull caught up in a fishing net...

However it's not just Tennis where we're having unprecedented sporting success.Rugby,Athletics,Cricket,Cycling,Golf,Swimming & Boxing have all seen Great British triumphs recently...And boy are we loving it...I'm also pretty sure we're top of the tree in Bog Snorkelling too...

There is of course always some failure and it's a wonderfully British irony that this failure concerns our national game,Football...

Where all the other sports have embraced modern thinking and caught up with the rest of the world our football---England,Scotland,Wales & Northern Ireland---Has lagged behind denying that they have it wrong whilst labouring as pesky foreign teams run rings round us...

Still never mind that,as Brits we should revel in our current sporting prowess because all sports fans know that sporting success is circular and the good times don't last forever...

Smart Casual...The Jackett's on...

I think i have discovered why various Wolves managers have failed over the last few years.It's got nothing at all to do with footballing ability but all to do with lack of pun based headlines generated by their names.Yes we had Stale Solbakken but that was limited.ie " Wolves go Stale" Frankly the others were'nt even trying to help our beleaguered sports hack find that snappy headline that would pull the punters in...

 But now Wolves have a new manager----Surely the most repeated sentence over the last eighteen months---And joy upon joy his name is Kenny Jackett,thereby providing journalists and sub-editors alike with a chance of magnificent wordplay that will surely lead to a Pulitzer prize one day.

It won't be easy though,his name may well lead to an outbreak of puntastically pun heavy red top strap lines but it does'nt jump out immediately.They will have to work a bit to earn their crust.Until the day he's inevitably fired of course.The "No Jackett required" headline is already sitting there waiting to be used thereby confirming both a lack of imagination and an awful taste in music...

Let's hope that day does'nt come soon...Anything over six months would justify a loyalty bonus at the moment----However i have a good feeling about Kenny even before a ball has been kicked.he's not the big name some desired but a steady hand on the tiller which is exactly what the club needs.

Even before he met the players he met a delegation of supporters in the Wolves museum,a nice touch.Ok it was PR but much needed to begin bridging  the chasm that's grown between club and fans.He also said that he will conduct a tour of the museum with any new signings to drum into them what the history & tradition of Wolves mean to those that matter.The fans...

Kenny also confirmed he knows about our youth players and that those considered good enough will be given their chance.Quite a few have got games  over the last two relegation seasons but my feeling is they were only plunged into the fray due to injuries & desperation by panicking managers and not looked after the correct way.

He's also started the much needed clear out of the deadwood which has been weighing the club down these last two seasons.No doubt he's been given the remit to cut the wage bill to suit our League One status---Yes we're a League One club,not a Championship/Premiership club just visiting---For Kenny the happy fact is that the high earners are also the deadwood mostly.

Jackett has already recognised that a fair few players have been here far too long and grown lazy and bloated mentally and,in the case of some,physically.He's not been slow in identifying the problem and getting on with doing something about it...Something the last four managers we're either unable or unwilling to get to grips with.

After two years of crisis heaped upon crisis, of double relegation,of fan revolt--albeit fairly mild in the circumstances---of basically the club giving incompetence a bad name we finally appear to be heading in the right direction under KJ.It's also noticeable---Via what i have been judging on twitter & facebook---that many fans are getting their mojo back and are looking forward to the upcoming campaign.

Of course the acid test is yet to come,the actual playing of the football.At the moment i am cautiously hopeful about our chances,which is a thousand percent improvement on the last few years...

Is Kenny the man to pull us out of this malaise? Lord i hope so otherwise many Wolves fans may just Jack it in...

I'll get my coat...

A Father's Tale for Father's Day...

It's Father's Day.On this occasion i hope you can spare me the indulgence of telling my own dad's story...

I never met my dad---this was'nt due to what many would consider the modern day malaise of the feckless dad not wanting to take responsibility of the upbringing of his offspring---sadly the truth is a bit more prosaic.My Father died five months before i was born.

So his story i will tell is all knowledge garnered over the years from my late Mum.I trust her version is accurate.

Dad was born in what was then called Czechoslovakia---Not too long after it stopped being part of The Austro-Hungarian Empire--- In a small working class town way out east overshadowed by the Western point of the Carpathian Mountains.To be honest i know very little of his early life.I'm guessing his life was no different to many other mid European's growing up at that time just after WW1.However that was all to change in 1938 when Nazi Germany decided to annex the Sudetenland to the west & north.

This left the rest of Czechoslovakia in a very perilous position and sure enough it was'nt long,about a year, till Hitler decided to overpower the rest of the country and occupy what remained...

Dad had already joined one of the resistance groups set up--There were four in all---Again details are a little hazy but i think it may have been the PU led by Prokop Drtina.The PU were subjected to wholesale arrests in late 39' at which point my old man decided discrection was the better part of valour and consequently stole a lorry and buggered off to Budapest in Hungry.

I don't think he stayed there too long as he next found himself in what is now Palestine,joining up to the British Army where by he was subsequently shipped off to Jo'Burg in South Africa then onto Canada...By this stage---1940---He'd heard of the Free Czech Air Force helping to fight the Nazi's and wanted to join up...

So eventually dad pitched up in South Wales to become a gunner in the Atlantic Coastal Command.Their job was to seek out and destroy U-Boats who were themselves trying to destroy the merchant supply line from the USA to UK.Dad was considered something of a lucky charm by his colleagues as the three times he could'nt make a sortie due to illness hardly any--If any---of the planes came back.

Being in South Wales was how he and my mum met.I asked her about how they came to be together and she said obviously all the airmen were very dashing in their uniforms along with their heroic status locally.Dad had the added bonus of speaking with a heavy Slavic accent---Very exotic in the day,now commonplace of course---plus he introduced himself by asking for a light when he clearly had a lighter with him.What a smooth operator...

They were married pretty soon after meeting---As was the way in the war,after all nobody knew when they may be parted for good---and after the war moved to Czechoslovakia but alas that did'nt work out.I remember mum telling me the saddest sight she ever saw was driving into Czechoslovakia via Dresden and seeing miles upon miles of displaced people walking the other way in Germany with all they could carry.Maybe a million people of Germanic stock being kicked out of Sudetenland.

Eventually they moved back to the UK and to my home town,where my dad died of a brain hemorrhage just before my birth...

Today this may sound like a pretty wild adventure but in the context of WW2 it was nothing of the sort,this sort of thing happened to thousands upon thousands of people worldwide...But that fact does'nt alter my view that dad was a hero.As all dads should be to their sons & daughters...

If i had one wish it would'nt to be rich,I'm used to being broke after all and being rich would probably kill me.It would'nt be for world peace either.Let's face it that's far too big a job for just one measly wish....

No,my one wish would be to meet my dad for at least one day...

Happy Father's Day Dad...

The future of Football...Maybe.

Long gone are the days when a game of football was just a matter of twenty two stout yeomen pitting their wits & skill against each other for the glory of simply winning.The beautiful game has changed in all recognition since those halcyon  days of heavily laced balls toe poked towards goal by equally heavily bylcreemed Inside Forwards,as they were quaintly known back in the day.

These days it's all about the money money money---As ABBA would have it, but not Jessie J----The glory of actually winning games and trophies has taken a back seat in the pursuit of the new goal of muscling into the heaving pigs to join the trough of avarice...

Clubs now regard us fans as "Customers" and the simple pleasure of going to the game with your pals as a "Matchday Experience".We are now regarded as consumers rather than supporters.Which is ironic considering that if any retail outlet treated it's customers as clubs in England treat their fans they'd be closed within six months...The Disneyfication of our football is well under way and Micky,Minny and Pluto have their hands firmly on the tiller...

With that in mind it's time to crank it up and make the game more interactive for the TV watching viewer---The fans the clubs really care about after all,the ones that actually bother to turn up for games can go swivel----If the football authorities want the game to become just another arm of the entertainment industry rather than an intensely tribalistic phenomenon---A sort of X Factor/Jeux sans Frontieres with balls---then that's what they'll get...

Goal Line Technology: Don't worry boys and girls it's coming courtesy of the Blatterman himself but is it enough? Yes it will conclusively prove that the ball was either a)Way over the line b)Nowhere near the bloody line or c) Maybe,maybe not,hard to tell really.Come on, how long is this going to take? the pub's open.....It's still pretty boring in all fairness.My idea is to have a Judge Judy impressionist behind every Premiership goal,complete with gown,gavel and Mahogany desk to be Judge,Jury & Executioner.Her decision will be final and any player disagreeing will be shackled in leg irons and paraded round the pitch dressed in Guantanamo Bay orange...

Twitter:  (anti)Social Media is becoming more and more intrusive into our everyday lives.Every football club has a twitter account along with many popular footballers,and Joey Barton.Yes it's highly entertaining to witness a Diva like player clearly losing his marbles as he watches his career disintegrate due to an ill judged Tweet at 4am but imagine how much more fun it will be to actually witness it live during a game? A sort of cross between Rollerball and You've Got Mail...Every ground has at least one large screen,many have more.Every players twitter account will be posted on the screens at the game and on TV so they will get live feeds during the match(Incidentally all players will have to have a twitter account or get paid minimum wage, tops) This will be interactive Football at it's rawest...Nobody will be spared,only those with the thickest of skins will survive, and the illiterate...Piers Morgan will of course be blocked.

Silverware: Be honest now,there just are'nt enough trophies to go round for all those  mega rich clubs who surely deserve something shiny at the end of the season.They should'nt be expected to toil for nine months(Ten if you count that lucrative far East tour culminating in an exciting 0-0 draw against Stoke in a steamy Kuala Lumpur) for nothing should they? of course not.Every Premiership club will now receive a trophy at the end of the season.However the Silverware they win will diminish in size the lower they finish in the table, from the gargantuan Premiership trophy to the title winners down to an inch high aluminium cup to the lucky 17th place winners.The proviso is that all clubs must celebrate their winning of silverware in time honoured fashion of fireworks,crappy jumping up and down to Tina Turner's "Simply the Best" and open top bus tour of their city.If not they lose all their TV money from that season...The relegated clubs will receive an oversized cheque for their parachute payments presented by a reality TV star...

Discipline: Naturally any dangerous play will be dealt with by the proper authorities,after all we're not turning the game into a circus ---Yet---However any good show deserve's a pantomime villain and football is no exception.What the paying public and the soporific armchair audience demand is humiliation of those miscreants who bring the game into disrepute on the pitch,a mere yellow card is not sufficient in these days of instant justice.For instance player's caught diving will be subjected to a giant hook pulling them off the pitch where they will spend five minutes in the stocks being pelted by rotten fruit.Any player waving an imaginary card at the referee will have a custard pie thrust into their face by the opponents mascot...Whenever Liverpool play Luis Suarez will sit in the stocks for the whole game to save time..

Points: The current system is outdated.Three points for a win and one point for a draw? I mean come on.We have lost sight of what football is really about, which is how much money each club makes in total from any given home game.So in future the points will remain for the tiresome spectacle of actually playing the game but extra points will be awarded for TV audience,shirts sold and prawn sandwiches consumed.The accusation that this will widen the gap between rich and poor is clearly nonsensical.But if some clubs go to the wall so be it...After all we all know there are only four clubs that really matter anyway.To that end we will be reorganising the league structure thus; 1)The Super Duper Pan European Champions League Premiership 2)The Premiership Lite 3) The Lower Premiership 4)The Under Premiership.This we feel will give all clubs a sexier identity and stop the bellyaching when they go bust...Also the big four clubs in The SDPECLP will join the FA Cup at the quarter final stage to free up weekends to play exhibition games in the far east and USA.This proves we value the traditions of this great competition.They will not enter the league cup at all.Those places will be taken by teams in the SPL...

Managers/Coaches: The final part of the revolution concerns these outdated behemoths of the game.Are'nt you just sick of seeing the same tired old faces year in year out running our great football clubs? We are going to have bosses on a monthly contract then at the end of each month a phone vote(Premium rate) will install a new manager at each club.This will keep things fresh and more importantly make a shed load of money for the FA(Twitter & Facebook voting will be invalid as it's free) *In the event of a tied vote our panel of experts will decide who takes the appointment.The panel will be made up of  footballing luminaries  Richard Branson,Al-Waleed bin Talal and Cilla Black.

Mark my words.The football revolution will be televised...

Bad decisions,arrogance & stupidity.Welcome to Wolves...

In my opinion this goal in May 2011 by Stephen Hunt which saved Wolves from relegation from  the Premiership is indirectly responsible for the state of the club we find today. After two successive demotions we find ourselves in the third tier of English football for the first time since 1990.

Now i'm not saying Stephen Hunt is responsible for our plight obviously but what happened after this goal,or more accurately,what did'nt happen,is...

This was the chance to restructure the club but nothing changed.Effectively we had been given a last minute reprieve and we blew it,although that was'nt apparent at the time among the self congratulatory celebrations of avoiding relegation.

That season we had been buoyed by fantastic wins against many of the top six sides in the division,it was these that kept us up as our results against those other teams battling to stay in the premiership were appalling.The wonderful results we had garnered against Man Utd,Man City,Chelsea,Spurs,Everton & Liverpool had given us the falsest of false dawns and probably given many in the club--and the fans---the impression that we were better than we were.

The reality is that those wins & draws against the top teams only happen occasionally,it just so happens we got them all in the same season...

To compound this self regarding folly that percolated through the club it was believed that the season after would be easier due to our players having more experience and potential lambs to the slaughter Norwich & Swansea surely taking the bottom two places leaving only one space to avoid...

It's rumoured that the then manager Mick McCarthy tried to strengthen the squad considerably in the close season---He's a football man and they all want to improve,knowing that if you stand still you get caught pretty damn quick---but owner Steve Morgan not being a natural football man refused him funds thinking we were good enough.Bad decision coupled with arrogance...

The only major signing we made was to buy Roger Johnson from Birmingham.We we all happy with this i have no doubt.But then McCarthy made him captain instantly causing splits within a tight knit dressing room.Bad decision...

That season started well,two wins and a draw from the first three games,even going top for a short time.Another false dawn.It's safe to say that since that 0-0 draw at Villa Park in early September 2011, which saw us top the premiership briefly,it's been downhill all the way...

The next bad decision coupled with arrogance was from the owner Morgan when he went storming into the dressing room to confront the players after yet another abject display against Liverpool thereby undermining the managers authority.Not long later McCarthy was gone...

The sacking happened after Wolves had lost to our fierce rivals West Brom 5-1.This was a time for clear heads and well thought out decisions.What we got was knee jerk reactions and muddled thinking from those that run the club...What happened next turned into farce solely of the Board's making...

Potential managers were interviewed.Contradictory press releases were flying out of Molineux almost daily about the suitability,or not,of each candidate.Finally we were assured we would have a manager in charge with experience of turning moribund clubs around,this was no job for a novice.What did we get? Terry Conner.Bad decision,arrogance and a great deal of stupidity...

It's not normally the done thing to feel sorry for footballing folk but you'd have to have a heart of stone not to feel for Conner.He'd been a loyal Wolves coach for over a decade but had never managed a team,least of all a team marooned at the bottom of the pile with no confidence and a dressing room rift as big as the Mariana Trench.By all accounts Conner is a good man,so answered the call to manage Wolves after Morgan had failed to find a replacement.

It's hard not to feel that Morgan was prepared to take the hit of relegation thinking he would get in the manager he wanted in the Summer then maybe spend no more than two years in the Championship before a triumphant return to the Premiership.Whether true or not we'll never know but he hung Conner out to dry.Conner was Morgan's Patsy...Bad decision and arrogance.

In the Summer we drafted in Stale Solbakken with a promise of not only a fresh approach but a complete overhaul of the club's ethos from top to bottom.Things did'nt start too badly but the football we were watching was labourious at best.Unfortunately Solbakken was still working with most of the squad that had been there for a number of years who were unable or unwilling to change their style.Things started going downhill fast...

The trouble is though that Morgan had vowed to give Solbakken time.What Morgan should have done is ignored the fans clamouring for Solbakken's head and backed his manager.Once he'd got all of his own players in he may well have been the right man.We'll never know as Morgan panicked in the face of fan pressure and gave in.Bad decision...

Next on the Molineux managerial carousel is current boss Dean Saunders.The feeling is that Morgan is now so desperate he's using the club as some sort of Liverpool jobs- for- the- boys.Saunders came into the job in January with a lot of promises of not only staying up but gaining promotion next season---From the Championship i may add,not div 1---Sadly talk is all he seems to have.As yet he's been more than tactically inept.Sometimes employing three different formations during a game,none of them working.I have no confidence in him whatsoever.Bad decision? Probably...

So what's needed? Well a wholesale change in the squad for one...There are now too many players at the club who're neither good enough or care enough for our club,these have to be got rid of straight away.I don't care if we make a big loss on them i just want them gone asap.A week before our final game when we were 2nd from bottom and needing a miracle to stay up some players were still saying we were "Too good to go down" Arrogance and stupidity of a monumental scale...

If Morgan is determined to stay he needs to get proper advisors around him,footballing people who know the game and the club,people who will guide him in the right direction,somebody like Jody Craddock or Mel Eves.Or both.He needs to drop the arrogance that has helped to get my club relegated yet again...

End of Season awards...

This may seem premature,especially if you're the type of football fan who thinks the game begins and ends with the Premiership in England...However Division 1 & 2 finished last week,The Championship ends tomorrow and who the hell knows when the top division draws to it's conclusion...

There was a time in the not so distance past when all football in England finished the season on the same day to be followed by the FA Cup final the Saturday after(3-00 pm KO) but over the last few years this has altered radically as those more interested in income than the well being of the game squeeze-every-last-drop out of players and fans alike...One day there won't be any life left to drip out of football but while the cash cow keeps on topping up the coffers these vampiric parasites will continue their insidious ruination of our national sport...

Anyhoo,on to the awards;

The Jimmy Saville spectacular fall from grace wooden spoon goes to Wolves.My team will probably drop to Division 1 tomorrow barely twelve months after being a premiership club...

The Little Chef All-you-can-eat running buffet silver ladle  jointly goes to Northampton's Ade Akinfenwe,who gives hope to all overweight fans in the country and Luis Suarez for making Cannibalism fashionable again...

The David Cameron We're-all-in-this-together Offshore trust fund gold credit card goes to Barnet council who refused  Barnet FC permission to improve their ground thereby forcing the club to relocate five miles out of the borough in Edgware...

 The Don't-mention-the-war-i-did-once-but-think-i-got-away-with-it award goes to Germany for showing the world how football should be run both on and off the pitch...

The Nigel Farage We're all Europeans now one Euro gold ring goes to Man Utd,Man City,Chelsea and Arsenal for doing the decent thing and making the Champions League enjoyable again...

The Annual Jurassic Park tethered goat award goes to Dean Saunders at Wolves for not really having a clue...Bless him.

The Annual Lord Lucan disappeared without trace ankle tag goes to Scott Sinclair who gave up an almost guaranteed first team place at Swansea for two meaningless League Cup games a season at Man City...

The Annual Where-the-hell-are-we Sat Nav goes to Wolves fans to use next season...Probably.

The Joe Hart What's-my-motivation luvee Fedora & Cravat award to Rio Ferdinand for his Diva like refusal to join the England squad.

The George Osborne gold plated Monopoly set for judicial financial soundness in the face of overwhelming odds to Harry Redknapp.

The Stan Collymore embossed NCP pass to Peter Odemwinge.

The Ed Milliband credible opposition mounted Mace to Man City for barely troubling the scorers...

The Audley Harrison going down without a fight flying towel to,who else? Wolves.

The  Dale Winton who knew? earplugs goes to the PFA who were shocked & stunned by the content of the comedian booked to entertain them.the act,Reginald D Hunter, is a black American from Georgia.The PFA were surprised his act contained some jokes about race...

That concludes this evening's awards...Oh and if Wolves do somehow succeed in staying up tomorrow these results stand...

How the Nouveau Riche takes over English Football...Maybe

There was a time in the distant past when the working man did'nt really know who the worlds moneyed men were.The only time their lives were directly affected by rich folk was when they and their family were hauled off to the workhouse run by the local industrialist to maximise profit,much as Asian sweatshops do today for Western sports clothing conglomerates...

 The moneyed existed as they do today but the working man had only a vague notion of them,The Royal family of course and also the assumption that most Hollywood film stars were rolling about in beds made of Dollar bills----Nobody thought many of those Hollywood stars were in the pay of The Mafia,drug dealers & prostitutes---This was a simpler time.

But these days we have wall to wall knowledge of these rich beyond the dreams of El Dorado.We have mags like Hello showing us their gilded life.we have the Sunday Times rich list---which,let's be honest, is Hello's older boring brother----We have the internet,that window to the world & all the things in it we can never have...So we all now have access to this excess...Unfortunately as we peer longingly through the window at the moneyed folk they're looking back past our shoulders at the football clubs we support...

Imagine You're a post Soviet Russian Oligarch,a mid table Sheikh or even a  purveyor of shoddy sports apparel available in those high streets not already closed down & boarded up by other rich folk.You have all the money that other money can buy,the trophy wife's spending a suspiciously long time in the potting shed with the new gardener and the only person you converse with daily is your English Butler who hates you and spits in your food.Frankly life has lost it's lustre,the chase is over.You're bored...

One day you're flicking through the nine hundred channels on your cinema sized television set when something catches your eye.It's a football game being beamed from England...You know nothing of football,yes you know it's popular with the people who work for you in the sweatshops but don't understand why.You sit transfixed.

In your mind there's something raw and tribal about what you're watching,something animalistic.In the past you have tried to get buy your way into various sports to up your international kudos but all those classy sports like Polo & Horse Racing are closed shops.the Bastards.Once you thought Tennis would be a sport to get your name know but went off that idea after the incident with the trophy wife and the tennis coach... You call your English Butler in to explain English Football to you...

What you hear excites you...Not the nuances of the game---You've seen your eldest son playing FIFA 2013 so clearly have that side of it figured out---But the fact that nearly every club in England's top league--Which is beamed worldwide---is in debt and would welcome a rich buyer.There also does'nt seem to be much of a problem with the ruling body,who go by the name of The Football Association.Apparently they would sell themselves like a cheap whore.The kind of hard nosed negotiations you like...

It turns out before buying an English Football club you have to pass the FA's "Fit and proper person" test...Mmmm that sounds tough.The conversation goes something like this:

FA; We are here to determine if you are the sort of person we can trust to be the custodian of one of our most prestigious clubs.

You; Fine,I have all my financial records at hand...

FA;Never mind that,how rich are you?

You; I'm loaded

FA:That's great,you've passed.Do you want a Digestive with your cup of tea?

Your Butler was wrong,The FA are lower than cheap whores...

The rest is easy.You get your club.Shame it's not in London but all those are taken.Even so you'll get your face on worldwide television each week in your new scarf---Incidentally that's an excellent mark up  considering how much they are to make in your sweatshop,must get some new Spinning Jennies in to up production-----All the club needs now is to win every game,that's the easy bit is'nt it?

Now you own an English football club,your international standing has rocketed and even your beautiful trophy wife is taking an active interest,spending much of her free time getting to know the squad personally...

Thatcher! The Musical.

Many that know me will know i was never a fan of Maggie Thatcher.However her death yesterday bought very little joy personally as the corrosive policies she laid down in the 80's & 90's are now being writ large on the population of the UK by both this government and indeed the previous Labour one too...

Nearly everyone with just a passing interest in politics has posted something on her demise,many much better than i could ever hope to conjour. so, as i write this Blog i can be classed as a "Writer" of sorts,and what do writers write when they can't write? That's right.Musicals...

During Thatcher's regime from 1979 to 1990 there were plenty of tunes penned either about her or her policies.Many of which cracked the top ten easily...It's safe to say i can't recall one song in praise of Thatcher so if you find these tunes biased...Damn right they are!

The Beat---Stand Down Margaret
"I see no joy,i see only sorrow.i see no chance of your bright new tomorrow" Proof that protest songs don't need to be tuneless dirges caterwauled by beardy folk singers...Once had the childish,but satisfying,pleasure of putting this on the juke box of a pub in the I-O-W in 1982 sixteen times on the trot knowing the local Conservative council leader was in the pub...

Elvis Costello---Shipbuilding

Originally penned by Robert Wyatt but this version is the better known.On April 2nd 1982(My Birthday btw,send money please) Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic.Not many Brits even knew where they were never mind that it was British land.Never mind,if you need to win an election and you're in desperate straits at home what better than going to war.This is exactly what Thatcher did.I know this is not a view shared by many but the facts are that she knew Argentina were planning some action towards the islands and decided to sit on that until it was too late and her hand was forced.

Argentina had been saber  rattling over these rocks for years,indeed in 1977 the then Labour Govt got wind of a planned attack on the Falklands and parked three nuclear subs off the shore of Buenos Aires letting it be know any action would be foolish in the extreme...Thatcher could have easily done the same...Still at least she won the election...

Billy Bragg---Which side are you on?

Thatcher made it her mission to destroy the Unions and so she went after the biggest of them all,The NUM.along with it's totem Arthur Scargill.Secondry picketing was banned and she bought the full weight of the UK police force down on the striking Miners.This lasted a year and cost untold millions.Perfectly good working mines were closed down for the only reasons that she wanted to break the back of the NUM.This is also the closest we have come in my lifetime to a police state,They were given unlimited powers of arrest and did so with gusto.I know people who were arrested just for wearing a "Coal not Dole" badge.Thirty years on and many of these communities still have not recovered,many never will...

Elvis Costello---Tramp the dirt down.

Think this one is self explanatory....

Ghost Town---The Specials

THE defining song of Thatcher's tenure.Talk about catching the Zietgeist! Britain was burning with riots in every major city and the people WE'RE getting angry...The UK was dying a death of a thousand cuts,much as it is now...But hey at least the embittered kids of today have One Direction to see them through the dark days.The sad part is that this tune resonates today as much as it did then now that Thatcher's Midwich cuckoos are running the country into the ground...

I'm sure there are many more tunes that can sum up her eleven years in charge.I'm always open to suggestions...Thatcher! The Musical needs you...

Down among the dead men.An unofficial guide to Div 1

As it appears Wolves are intent on pressing the self destruct button yet again this season and consign us fans to a season(or two/three/four ad infinitum...)in Div 1. I thought i'd publish an early guide to life with the lower orders for those fans who've never been this far down the league structure before...

Bournemouth---On the South Coast so a nice trip to the seaside for the beer belly hoards to soak up some much needed sun.Bournemouth is the land of Political Conferences,Retired OAP's and disenfranchised Scousers...

Brentford---A likable West London club for once.Famous for having a pub at each corner of the ground,Griffin Park.An ideal opportunity to do a short pub crawl whilst the game's going on...

Bury---Birthplace of The Neville Brothers,and indeed the Neville Sister.Bury is just north of Manchester in the Greater Borough of Manchester,But they probably don't want to be reminded of this very often...If you want to sound like a local call it "Burry" not "Berry".Either way we'll probably have to wait a season to play them as they're going down to Div 2...

Carlisle---The longest trip for many Wolves fans which no doubt means the fixture list will have us playing there on a January Tuesday night.Cold,wet and windy,but that's enough about the summers in Carlisle.Don't call the locals Jocks or Geordies or mention Nuclear reactor meltdowns...

Colchester----Once the Roman capital of Britain now a town full of battle hardened Squaddies with scores to settle...Have moved into a new ground since Layer Rd was deemed too squalid/quaint* to host League football.Incase any Wolves can't locate a map of the UK it's in Essex.Which is all you need to know...*Delete as applicable

Coventry----Last time i went to the Ricoh Arena was to see The Specials,which in truth,is probably more fun than either of these two teams can muster between them.At least it'll give Robbie Keane & Stephen Frogget a chance to not celebrate a goal by either team...Be warned Wolves fans the ground is actually closer to Nuneaton than it is to Coventry.Ex Wolf Leon Clarke plays for Cov but will probably have left and played for a further five clubs by the time we meet...

Crawley---No sorry,no idea.It's down south somewhere...

Crewe----If you're a trainspotting type you'll know all about Crewe.It's got a station,a bloody big station at that.Infact Crewe is one big station with a football ground attached....

Doncaster----Donny will probably replace us in the Championship next season---That's the thanks we get for taking Saunders off them---But if not be nice to them as their fans are good people...Despite being where Jeremy Clarkson was born...

Hartlepool---Another team we won't face for a season as they're going down.Affectionately known as The Monkey Hangers,but that's enough of Jeff Stelling's sex life.Again like Carlisle they're not Geordies.Not quite sure what they are to be honest...

Leyton Orient----My local Derby so i'd better be careful.Especially as i know a lot of O's fans.The ground is a short bus ride from the Olympic Park and the other side of the tracks to the famous Hackney Marshes so if you're bored of the game book a pitch and have a knockabout yourself.Be sure to compliment West Ham when conversing with an O's fan...You'll have a friend for life...

MK----All football fans know the story so no need to go into that here.Never been to the ground but i'm betting it's a souless lump of concrete on some godforsaken industrial estate with no pubs...My advice is get fueled up in Wolves then direct train to Milton Keynes.Not forgetting to hit the train buffet on the way...

Notts County---Lovely city Nottingham as many Wolves fan discovered yesterday.Oldest club in the country blah blah blah.Don't have the odious Lee Hughes playing for them anymore so i suppose it's ok to not be too bothered about them...

Oldham----The coldest ground this side of the Arctic Circle.Like Bury it's really part of Manchester as the locals will happily concur...Take mittens,even in August...

Portsmouth---May well be in Div 2 soon to celebrate years of honest toil trying to evade paying tax and general judicial financial housekeeping.Unlike Bournemouth there are no beaches in Pompey.Just Seagulls with bowel problems...

Preston----Yet another Lancashire club---Not in Manchester honest----One of the old great names in English football along with Wolves,as i'm pretty sure won't be mentioned at all when we meet...Easy to get to.Direct train from Wolverhampton.If you wake up in Glasgow you've gone too far...

Scunthorpe----Lincolnshire's premier club.No really...A tight little ground that only holds about 6,000 so book early to avoid disappointment.Tomorrow will do...Scunthorpe is between Doncaster and Grimsby,but it's not as exotic as it sounds...

Sheffield Utd----Will probably get promoted so no point in banging on about them.We know them well enough anyway.If we do play them though sing plenty of songs in praise of Carlos Tevez...

Shrewsbury----They like to think of themselves as our posh neighbours.Got a new ground since the last one was last seen heading out of the Bristol Channel into the Atlantic...Sort of Telford with Tudor buildings...

Stevenage----Wolves fans will have to go into the heart of Spurs country as Stevenage is for those Spurs fans too rich to live in Tottenham.If the timings right and we play them near the start of the season just stay over from Knebworth after camping out to see One Direction...

Swindon----Roundabouts....Confusing roundabouts...That's all that Swindon has to offer now that XTC have given up performing.Now that Everybody's favourite Fascist Di Canio has resigned expect to A) Get drenched in the away end and B) a disappointing 0-0...

Tranmere---Another team we may not face owing to them actually winning games of football,unlike Wolves.Tranmere is NOT,i repeat NOT in Liverpool.It's Birkenhead.Which is apparently much posher than Liverpool though you would'nt know it.Myself and some fellow Wolves fans were once propositioned by a gaggle of granny prostitutes in a Birkenhead bar after a game there...

Walsall---Ah yes our big local Black Country derby.As all Wolves fans know Walsall hate us with a passion whereas our indifference to them is palpable...Might even break their home attendance when we play them.BTW their record attendance was when The Wonder Stuff played there...

Yeovil----Never been but if the rest of Somerset is anything to go by then i expect many Wolves fans to become casualties of drinking the local Cider which has the strength of Sheep Dip but without the pleasing taste on the palette...

Bubbling under
-----------------

I have'nt included our fellow departees from the Championship as we know all about them.However there are some teams coming up Wolves fan may not know about;

Gillingham---A town in Kent.A bugger to get to and a horrible little ground.Saw Matt Jarvis score against us there.
Port Vale---Stoke without electricity.The local's still point at Planes.Have the aforementioned odious Lee Hughes playing for them...

Burton-----Quaint little market town in Derbyshire.Brew beer and play in Gold(ish) & Black.What's not to like?

Northampton----Known as the Cobblers.Have Ade Akinfenwa playing for them so Big fat Cobblers...

So that's my unofficial guide to Div 1 for those not lucky enough to have experienced the joys of it before...