...and we're back.
Group E( The group of deces/muerte)
Switzerland) Quite unbelievably seeded for this world cup, don't expect anything approaching fireworks but if you like strong defensive play the Swiss are your men.Switzerland are an all round no thrills decent team but nothing about them stands out.In a dystopian future all international teams will be Switzerland.Expect Roy Hodgson to be namechecked at every Swiss game...
France) Sami Nasri was dropped from the squad last week so his wife took to Twitter to vent her anger not only on manager Didier Deschamps but the whole French nation.She also wished hubby was Spanish,presumably so she could also spit out her hate towards them when he failed to get in their squad too.In truth Deschamps should have laughed it off but he's threatened to sue.Not ideal preparation for the world cup you'd think but still ten times better than last time when there was open revolt among the players.Like their Rugby team you never know which French team will turn up,the brilliant or the total abject.Still have the best national anthem going...
Honduras) Oddly Honduras have six UK based players in their squad plus a few from Spanish football.They also have one named Carlos Costly who no doubt would have been a perfect buy for Spurs if Alan Sugar was still CEO.Will not trouble anyone in the group,lets just hope they don't go to war with anyone like they did with El Salvador in 1969.
Ecuador) What do i know about Ecuador? Well they own the Galapagos Islands,FA Cup winner Lawrie Sanchez's dad comes from there and i had Christmas dinner with a USA citizen born in Ecuador...so quite a lot really. They have four Barca players in the squad so maybe they're not that bad.They may even get through at the expense of Switzerland...
Group F) (The group of constant sorrow)
Argentina) With soaring inflation rates in Argentina the locals need something to distract them and what better than football? My favourites to win the world cup,which if they do so on Brazilian soil will be the ultimate party pooping.After the mental reign of Maradona---a sort of Kevin Keegan on speed---the Argentinian's now have a manager in Sabella who know's what he's doing.They have strength throughout the entire squad and i expect them to be holding the cup aloft in Rio on July 13th.Obviously all eyes will be on Messi but i think keeping Sergio Aguero fit is more important to the team.Expect lots of mentions of the Falklands when Argentinians are interviewed by British press...
Bosnia Herzegovina) The only country that sounds like a Czech supermodel.Unfortunately that's where the joking stops for this country with a horrible recent past.If you Google Bosnia the first page that comes up is "Genocide" But football knows no political bias,if you're good enough to qualify then you're in and Bosnia are mighty good enough to play in their first world cup as an independent country.Watch out for star striker Edin Dzeko who's in form and his goals could get them out of the group.Expect the word "Plucky" to be used a lot...
Iran) See what i mean about football knowing no political bias? Iran are the West's bogey man even above North Korea---who're treated as a bit of a jokey rogue nation---so expect lots of in depth analysis of Iranian political nuances from Robbie Savage & Andy Townsend.Shame there won't be a repeat of the brilliant Iran v USA game from France 1998.Expect no mentions of Iran being "Plucky" from the press but plenty mentions of WMD...
Nigeria) At one time Nigeria were going to be the African country that took world football by storm---there have been a few contenders over the years---it never happened but maybe this year they could make their mark.Actually have an African manager in charge rather than an imported German/Dutch boss.Stephen Keshi has gone for a young speedy squad of players.Don't expect much talk of crippling poverty,corruption and Boko Haram but much talk of flying Eagles...
Group G) (The group of death)
Germany) We all know about Germany's record in the world cup.However it's been 24 years since they last won it which is almost approaching English proportions,especially ironic as the German fans have adopted the unofficial English anthem "Three Lions" as their own...They probably won't win this one either but the old cliche about never writing Germany off still holds true.On a personal note i would quite like them to do well as i have a lot of respect for the "old country"---as all Anglo Saxons should refer to Germany---especially for their football.They have some outstanding players but one that may make a name for himself is Dortmund's Marco Reus.Keep a look out for him...Expect to see lots of Lederhosen,lager,busty serving girls in Dirndl's and tiresome WW2 references in the British press...
Portugal) Surely it can't be long till they're renamed "Ronaldugal" ? There has'nt been a top team so reliant on one player since Maradona pulled twenty two other Argentinians in his wake to win the world cup in 1986 and it's not beyond the realms of possibility that Ronaldo will do the same providing A) he retains his form & B) is'nt kicked from pillar to post by opponents.Expect to see lots and lots of Christiano Ronaldo.Don't expect to see anything at all of his teamates...
Ghana) Should have been in the semi final last time but a missed penalty late on by ex Sunderland player Asamoah Gyan pooped on their chance from a great height. Many blame Luis Suarez for his goal line handball denying Ghana the winner but be honest you'd be pleased as punch if he'd done it for your team...
Can Ghana repeat their fantastic run of four years ago? Doubtful.Not that they're not a good team but they are in a tough group.Basically will have to kick seven shades out of Ronaldo to have a chance.Not that i'm advocating such action of course."cough"
USA) USA! USA! USA!...Sorry that's all i got for them.
Group H (The group of heart burn)
Belgium) Everybody's dark horse to win,so infact not a dark horse at all but the brightest horse you'll ever see with flashing lights on.Many of their players are already well known to UK fans as they play over here in the Premiership.They are a young fit team who're on fine form coming into Brazil so have a chance,indeed they are my dark horse...expect sales of Leffe & Hoegaarden beers to shoot up whenever they play and hipsters to be ordering Mayo with their chips...
Algeria) A possible tie with Germany awaits in the next round and they may feel they owe them big after 1982 when Germany and Austria "played" out a result that ensured Algeria did'nt qualify.Have actually got a chance of qualifying out of the group this time unless Russia annexe Belgium in the next three weeks to ensure their own passage.Former Wolves midfielder Adlene Guedioura has made the provisional 30 man squad.If picked watch out for him as he shoots from anywhere within 50 yards of goal...
Russia) Currently trying to merge all of the former Soviet Union into one big Russian federation.They are going to be the team everyone wants to see hammered owing to them having a dick as a president.Historically the USSR/Russia have flattered to deceive on the international stage and things won't change in Brazil even if they draft in the better Ukraine players into their squad.The one joy will be hearing their heart stirring national anthem three times...
South Korea) Had their moment in the sun when they co-hosted with Japan in 2002 reaching the semi finals backed by a fervent crowd and some helpful decisions.That won't be happening here.Hard to dislike---unless you're in North Korea,in which case i doubt you're reading this.
Whoever your team is have a wonderful world cup...
Sunday 18 May 2014
Saturday 17 May 2014
Brazilian back, sack & crack.It's a World Cup preview(prt1)
The World Cup begins in three weeks---god it seems like only four years since the last one----This time instead of trying to hide the Townships in South Africa the relevant authorities will be consumed with attempting to hide the Favelas from the gaze of moneyed football tourists.A far more difficult task as at least the Apartheid regime in SA had the common decency to locate their unwanted population far from view...There has already been internal strife in Cities hosting games due to ungrateful locals wanting money spent on such piffling things like decent food and shelter rather than the sheer joy of seeing Greece taking on Japan in their backyard...Expect some good old fashioned South American junta like clampdown in the coming weeks...
Anyway,welcome to the greatest show on earth!
Group A (The group of apparent rude health)
Brazil) The hosts and quite probably the favourites.Not mine though.Frankly i have'nt taken to any Brazilian side since the heady days of the Socrates inspired 1982 team and the rightly feted 1970 mob.Still they seem popular with many so who am i to argue? Expect to hear lots of drums and see cameramen picking out beautiful women with alarming regularity--why it's almost as if they're planted there deliberately---also expect to see "Big Phil" scowl and Neymar fall down.A lot...
Croatia) Always capable of greatness but equally of crass stupidity.If things are'nt going their way expect to see not only toys being thrown out of the pram but the pram also destroyed from within(Clumsy political analogy klaxon) They will probably qualify with Brazil but i'm hoping they don't and not just because of their awful red & white checkered shirts.If they manage to bring a lot of fans you will get a taste of their strident nationalism...
Mexico) Not a happy ship apparently.Have got through three managers during the qualifiers alone.At that rate Greg Dyke will be fast tracking them into the Premiership asap.Sneaked into 4th place just above Panama.A shadow of their former selves.Mexicans love their football and hopefully they'll bring loads of fans.They'd best get there quick though as they'll only see them in three games.
Cameroon) Remember when Cameroon announced themselves on the world stage in Italia 1990 with a triple neck high assault on Argentina's coke fiend and occasional footballer Claudio Caniggia ? They also beat the then reigning world champions in the biggest world cup shock since Willie Johnstone was sent home in 1978 with his jagged little pill.Should have been the first African team to reach the semi final that year but fell foul of Gary Lineker's trailing leg in the penalty area,twice.Samuel Eto' is still their star player so unfortunately don't expect much from them.Hope i'm wrong...
Group B) (The group of feeling a bit peaky)
Spain) Current world champions after beating a testosterone fueled Holland in the 2010 final.Will be one of the favourites again by right but i can't deny i have a problem with Spain.They are a fine team with some of the greatest players on the planet yet if they don't score early there does'nt appear to be a plan B.They camp outside the opponents penalty area playing their training ground tippy tappy stuff until everyone gets bored,turns over to Eastenders and loses the will to live.On reflection maybe it's the opponents that make their games deadly dull.After all it's not really Spain's fault they're so good at keeping the ball but seeing game after game with 80% to 20% possession is not fun to watch.Look out for outrageous harassment of the officials,as if the dice was'nt loaded in their favour enough...
Holland) Nearly everyone's second favourite team---well mine anyway---Losing finalists three times and i would love to see them win the damn thing one day.Normally we hear of internal rows and splits between groups of players but this time it's been quiet.Too quiet.Not sure the world can cope with a Dutch dressing room full of love & harmony.It would be a bit like seeing your local church full of Hell's Angels.Watch out for their fans all dressed in the brightest orange and Arjen Robben's spectacular triple reverse pike half twist somersault & tuck...
Chile) They were probably my favourite team at the last world cup.Combined fast flowing attacking football with the sort of tackling that a division nine pub team would be a bit ashamed of.I don't see why this time will be any different.If they're on song may well qualify out of the group at the expense of either Spain or Holland.
Australia) A few years ago it looked as if the Aussies would become a force,of sorts,on the world stage and all of England shuddered at the prospect.They can have the Cricket & Rugby but football? No way!Glad to say they will be the whipping boys of this group.That may seem unduly cruel but if you're a bitter little Englander like me you'll fully understand where i'm coming from.Will set up good barbies on the beach though...
Group C(The group of dearth)
Colombia) Ask anyone about Colombian football and most will only know about drug cartels and the sad murder of Andres Escobar after his own goal in the 1994 world cup.I have to admit my knowledge is fairly limited too.However they qualified in 2nd place only two points behind Argentina so they seem to be in good shape.Unfortunately don't expect to see any Carlos Valderramaesque hairstyles among the players although some wigs may be evident in the stands...
Greece) 2004 European Championship.Greece were 80/1 outsiders but in a series of games where they parked a fleet of double decker buses defensively then relied on a set piece goal they only went and won the thing. A tour de force of football pragmatism.It was a Jose Mourinho wet dream...This time they have no chance.I doubt if they'll even score a goal.Their star player is Kostas Mitroglou who has just been relegated with Fulham having proved himself less mobile than the statue of Michael Jackson that stood outside Craven Cottage...
Ivory Coast) Possibly the most talented side in sub Saharan Africa and i expect them to qualify out of this poor group.Any team with the majestic Yaya Toure in central midfield must have a chance of doing well.With a fair wind could make the quarter finals...expect pedantic football hipsters insisting on calling them Cote D'ivoire...
Japan) Have qualified for the last five world cups and have many players plying their trade in the top European leagues so may have a chance of springing a surprise or two.Always regarded as a bit of a novelty act in the world of football but have some skill.Look out for their mascot Pikachu.The most Japanese mascot you could ever imagine...
Group D(The group of near death experience)
Uruguay) That a country of 3 million can produce constantly decent teams is an outstanding achievement.We all know about Luis Suarez in England but we still don't know how to stop the bugger.I'm sure he will relish playing against us as will Diego Forlan who will feel he has something to prove having been regarded as a failure in the UK---Unfairly in my view---Even though they struggled to qualify they're a dangerous outfit and tough as old boots.
Italy) What will Italy do? They will do what they always do.Piss about in the group stage just doing enough to qualify then probably go on to win the bloody thing.They still have Buffon in goal who must be as old as Methuselah's dad by now.Everyone will be keeping a sharp eye on the maverick Mario Balotelli in the hope of him doing something outrageously stupid.I have a feeling he won't disappoint...
Costa Rica) Will they do to England what they did to Scotland many moons ago? I for one hope not but it's not inconceivable.Knowing how the football gods work an Arsenal lad with the Scottish name of Campbell may knock us out.Could play a big part in the group by determining who goes through on goal difference...
England) For the first time in living memory the English press are playing down expectations that this will be our time to win the World Cup.Ironically this lack of hype has convinced some fans that because the pressure's off then we could actually win it,er don't believe the lack of hype people! The fundamental problem with English football is giving the ball away too cheaply.In this respect they're the exact opposite to Spain.Personally i don't think we'll get out of the group but if we do then the usual quarter final place could be our lot...Expect lots of damming stories in the good old English press & a Twitter meltdown when an England game is on...
Part 2 tomorrow...
Anyway,welcome to the greatest show on earth!
Group A (The group of apparent rude health)
Brazil) The hosts and quite probably the favourites.Not mine though.Frankly i have'nt taken to any Brazilian side since the heady days of the Socrates inspired 1982 team and the rightly feted 1970 mob.Still they seem popular with many so who am i to argue? Expect to hear lots of drums and see cameramen picking out beautiful women with alarming regularity--why it's almost as if they're planted there deliberately---also expect to see "Big Phil" scowl and Neymar fall down.A lot...
Croatia) Always capable of greatness but equally of crass stupidity.If things are'nt going their way expect to see not only toys being thrown out of the pram but the pram also destroyed from within(Clumsy political analogy klaxon) They will probably qualify with Brazil but i'm hoping they don't and not just because of their awful red & white checkered shirts.If they manage to bring a lot of fans you will get a taste of their strident nationalism...
Mexico) Not a happy ship apparently.Have got through three managers during the qualifiers alone.At that rate Greg Dyke will be fast tracking them into the Premiership asap.Sneaked into 4th place just above Panama.A shadow of their former selves.Mexicans love their football and hopefully they'll bring loads of fans.They'd best get there quick though as they'll only see them in three games.
Cameroon) Remember when Cameroon announced themselves on the world stage in Italia 1990 with a triple neck high assault on Argentina's coke fiend and occasional footballer Claudio Caniggia ? They also beat the then reigning world champions in the biggest world cup shock since Willie Johnstone was sent home in 1978 with his jagged little pill.Should have been the first African team to reach the semi final that year but fell foul of Gary Lineker's trailing leg in the penalty area,twice.Samuel Eto' is still their star player so unfortunately don't expect much from them.Hope i'm wrong...
Group B) (The group of feeling a bit peaky)
Spain) Current world champions after beating a testosterone fueled Holland in the 2010 final.Will be one of the favourites again by right but i can't deny i have a problem with Spain.They are a fine team with some of the greatest players on the planet yet if they don't score early there does'nt appear to be a plan B.They camp outside the opponents penalty area playing their training ground tippy tappy stuff until everyone gets bored,turns over to Eastenders and loses the will to live.On reflection maybe it's the opponents that make their games deadly dull.After all it's not really Spain's fault they're so good at keeping the ball but seeing game after game with 80% to 20% possession is not fun to watch.Look out for outrageous harassment of the officials,as if the dice was'nt loaded in their favour enough...
Holland) Nearly everyone's second favourite team---well mine anyway---Losing finalists three times and i would love to see them win the damn thing one day.Normally we hear of internal rows and splits between groups of players but this time it's been quiet.Too quiet.Not sure the world can cope with a Dutch dressing room full of love & harmony.It would be a bit like seeing your local church full of Hell's Angels.Watch out for their fans all dressed in the brightest orange and Arjen Robben's spectacular triple reverse pike half twist somersault & tuck...
Chile) They were probably my favourite team at the last world cup.Combined fast flowing attacking football with the sort of tackling that a division nine pub team would be a bit ashamed of.I don't see why this time will be any different.If they're on song may well qualify out of the group at the expense of either Spain or Holland.
Australia) A few years ago it looked as if the Aussies would become a force,of sorts,on the world stage and all of England shuddered at the prospect.They can have the Cricket & Rugby but football? No way!Glad to say they will be the whipping boys of this group.That may seem unduly cruel but if you're a bitter little Englander like me you'll fully understand where i'm coming from.Will set up good barbies on the beach though...
Group C(The group of dearth)
Colombia) Ask anyone about Colombian football and most will only know about drug cartels and the sad murder of Andres Escobar after his own goal in the 1994 world cup.I have to admit my knowledge is fairly limited too.However they qualified in 2nd place only two points behind Argentina so they seem to be in good shape.Unfortunately don't expect to see any Carlos Valderramaesque hairstyles among the players although some wigs may be evident in the stands...
Greece) 2004 European Championship.Greece were 80/1 outsiders but in a series of games where they parked a fleet of double decker buses defensively then relied on a set piece goal they only went and won the thing. A tour de force of football pragmatism.It was a Jose Mourinho wet dream...This time they have no chance.I doubt if they'll even score a goal.Their star player is Kostas Mitroglou who has just been relegated with Fulham having proved himself less mobile than the statue of Michael Jackson that stood outside Craven Cottage...
Ivory Coast) Possibly the most talented side in sub Saharan Africa and i expect them to qualify out of this poor group.Any team with the majestic Yaya Toure in central midfield must have a chance of doing well.With a fair wind could make the quarter finals...expect pedantic football hipsters insisting on calling them Cote D'ivoire...
Japan) Have qualified for the last five world cups and have many players plying their trade in the top European leagues so may have a chance of springing a surprise or two.Always regarded as a bit of a novelty act in the world of football but have some skill.Look out for their mascot Pikachu.The most Japanese mascot you could ever imagine...
Group D(The group of near death experience)
Uruguay) That a country of 3 million can produce constantly decent teams is an outstanding achievement.We all know about Luis Suarez in England but we still don't know how to stop the bugger.I'm sure he will relish playing against us as will Diego Forlan who will feel he has something to prove having been regarded as a failure in the UK---Unfairly in my view---Even though they struggled to qualify they're a dangerous outfit and tough as old boots.
Italy) What will Italy do? They will do what they always do.Piss about in the group stage just doing enough to qualify then probably go on to win the bloody thing.They still have Buffon in goal who must be as old as Methuselah's dad by now.Everyone will be keeping a sharp eye on the maverick Mario Balotelli in the hope of him doing something outrageously stupid.I have a feeling he won't disappoint...
Costa Rica) Will they do to England what they did to Scotland many moons ago? I for one hope not but it's not inconceivable.Knowing how the football gods work an Arsenal lad with the Scottish name of Campbell may knock us out.Could play a big part in the group by determining who goes through on goal difference...
England) For the first time in living memory the English press are playing down expectations that this will be our time to win the World Cup.Ironically this lack of hype has convinced some fans that because the pressure's off then we could actually win it,er don't believe the lack of hype people! The fundamental problem with English football is giving the ball away too cheaply.In this respect they're the exact opposite to Spain.Personally i don't think we'll get out of the group but if we do then the usual quarter final place could be our lot...Expect lots of damming stories in the good old English press & a Twitter meltdown when an England game is on...
Part 2 tomorrow...
Tuesday 13 May 2014
End of season awards...
Now that the football season is over----apart from the play offs---it's time to dish out the awards.
Here goes (In no particular order)
The Neville Chamberlain I have a piece of paper inspirational oratory award to Stevie "G" Gerrard for his "We won't let this slip" speech to his teamates before letting it slip...
The Baldrick i have a cunning plan award to Greg Dyke for his Plan B.
The il Duce proving ,if proof were needed, Fascism does'nt work award to Paolo di Canio for his laughable tenure at Sunderland.
The Barnacle Bill how the hell do you get rid of these things award shared by Alex Ferguson and Sepp Blatter(who has announced he's standing for a 5th time as FIFA president)
The Twitter #Hashtag award to Arsene Wenger for hanging around as Arsenal manager for the only reason that it pisses Piers Morgan off no end.
Goal of the season(Sorry Premiership fans but it comes from this weekends div 1 play off game between Preston and Rotherham.Take a bow Joe Garner)
Manager of the season.Shared between Pulis at Palace and Poyet at Sunderland.Both teams looked dead and buried during the season but these two did the unthinkable and kept them up.
Player of the season. Yaya Toure.Basically won the title for Man City...
The Harry Redknapp getting away with it award to Harry Redknapp(again)
The Kenneth Williams Infamy infamy they've all got it infamy award to Jose Mourinho for his ridiculous faux paranoia.
The Jim Reeves Welcome to my world award to all Man Utd fans who now know what it's like being a common all garden football fan...
The Aretha Franklin R.E.S.P.E.C.T award to both Mourinho & Pardew for their unstinting support towards the FA directive...
The Big Sam back to the future neck brace award to Big Sam(Grass? when we play we don't need grass)
The Lenny Henry you're just not funny anymore award to Man City for becoming far too professional.We want the pratfalls back!
The Lazarus back from the dead award to Wolves.It's a miracle i tells ya!
Fans of the season award to Wolves for backing their moribund club from the start of the season and getting their reward.(Honourable mention to Crystal Palace fans)
Game of the season.Wolves 6 Rotherham 4
The Monty Python One day son all this will be yours award to David Moyes
The hotbed of football award to the West Midlands where the most successful club was in div 1 (Guess who?)
The Simon Cowell one hit wonders award to Cardiff City.Was it worth it Vincent?
Premiership managers signing on the dole this season; Malky Makay,Ian Holloway,David Moyes,Chris Hughton,Martin Jol,Paolo di Canio,Brian Laudrup,Villas Boa,Tim Sherwood,Steve Clarke and Pepe Mel...Bloody benefit scroungers...
Finally congratulations to Kenny Jackett and all at Wolves for giving us fans back our club.We have our pride back...
Here goes (In no particular order)
The Neville Chamberlain I have a piece of paper inspirational oratory award to Stevie "G" Gerrard for his "We won't let this slip" speech to his teamates before letting it slip...
The Baldrick i have a cunning plan award to Greg Dyke for his Plan B.
The il Duce proving ,if proof were needed, Fascism does'nt work award to Paolo di Canio for his laughable tenure at Sunderland.
The Barnacle Bill how the hell do you get rid of these things award shared by Alex Ferguson and Sepp Blatter(who has announced he's standing for a 5th time as FIFA president)
The Twitter #Hashtag award to Arsene Wenger for hanging around as Arsenal manager for the only reason that it pisses Piers Morgan off no end.
Goal of the season(Sorry Premiership fans but it comes from this weekends div 1 play off game between Preston and Rotherham.Take a bow Joe Garner)
Manager of the season.Shared between Pulis at Palace and Poyet at Sunderland.Both teams looked dead and buried during the season but these two did the unthinkable and kept them up.
Player of the season. Yaya Toure.Basically won the title for Man City...
The Harry Redknapp getting away with it award to Harry Redknapp(again)
The Kenneth Williams Infamy infamy they've all got it infamy award to Jose Mourinho for his ridiculous faux paranoia.
The Jim Reeves Welcome to my world award to all Man Utd fans who now know what it's like being a common all garden football fan...
The Aretha Franklin R.E.S.P.E.C.T award to both Mourinho & Pardew for their unstinting support towards the FA directive...
The Big Sam back to the future neck brace award to Big Sam(Grass? when we play we don't need grass)
The Lenny Henry you're just not funny anymore award to Man City for becoming far too professional.We want the pratfalls back!
The Lazarus back from the dead award to Wolves.It's a miracle i tells ya!
Fans of the season award to Wolves for backing their moribund club from the start of the season and getting their reward.(Honourable mention to Crystal Palace fans)
Game of the season.Wolves 6 Rotherham 4
The Monty Python One day son all this will be yours award to David Moyes
The hotbed of football award to the West Midlands where the most successful club was in div 1 (Guess who?)
The Simon Cowell one hit wonders award to Cardiff City.Was it worth it Vincent?
Premiership managers signing on the dole this season; Malky Makay,Ian Holloway,David Moyes,Chris Hughton,Martin Jol,Paolo di Canio,Brian Laudrup,Villas Boa,Tim Sherwood,Steve Clarke and Pepe Mel...Bloody benefit scroungers...
Finally congratulations to Kenny Jackett and all at Wolves for giving us fans back our club.We have our pride back...
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