Bilious Blog.Around Europe in 80 days #1

This is the day the journey begins,the journey of self discovery & enlightenment,the journey to find myse…nah only messing with you,it’s a little fat bloke bumming around Europe for eighty days.I‘ll leave the self discovery for those that care about such things…

As usual St Pancras is packed but they seem to have it all well organised.I was through bag check & passport control in about five minutes.I did set off the beeper but no idea what it was.I even remembered to take the phone out my pocket this time…

First stop is Paris.Not been there for about twenty years.Last time I went via Waterloo Station which now seems as old as Stevenson‘s Rocket.Amazing how quickly we accept & adapt to new technology unthinkable a mere decade earlier…

Nearly forgot to throw out my rubbish bag this morning which would have been horrendous for my neighbours…“ god what’s that smell?“  “ think it’s coming from that devastatingly handsome and erudite man’s flat,Not seen him for a while.Maybe he’s dead” “ oh god ignore it and let someone else deal with it” At least I’ve not left the gas on as I’m all leccy…

Thought I was being a right smart arse by downloading the Paris transport app so I could buy tickets on my phone but it seems I also need a Navigo card which sounds a bit like London’s Oyster card except with a bit of a shrug ( getting the dodgy stereotypes in early) so paper it is.I’m not quite ready to pay direct from my account via the phone yet,I don’t mind using the square badly drawn chess board thingy( no idea what they’re called) but as yet that’s my limit..

Half way under the Channel at the moment,another feat of engineering excellence we take for granted…

Into Paris,a few people had a smoke on Gare du Nord station platform and I was gasping but decided not to join them as not sure how lenient the police are on such matters( I’d suggest don’t fuck around and find out) went outside and man there‘s some dodgy chaps there! Mostly touted for taxi fares but honestly would take a taxi from someone who’s a cross between Tony Saprano & Ted Bundy? 

Found the hotel ok after a bit of a detour on the metro by going the wrong way.I do it in London occasionally so it’s no big surprise.Hotel‘s fine.Nothing much just functional but it’s cheapish and breakfast is thrown in so all‘s good.Think the desk fella spent some time in the UK cos he told me Garibaldi is a bit  “dodgy” I came through there and it seemed fine.The hotel’s address Is Montmare but I think it’s the council estate bit that the rest of the area disowns…

Anyway peeps I’m off out to see what’s happen in merry old Paris…

Laters all…

Bilious Blog...Around Europe in 80 days.

 In about a months time i retire...i am looking forward to a life of idleness.Basically i am a lazy sod who has spent the last fifty years working, so going squarely against my natural inclinations...

However i won't be idle for long because from August 1st to October 19th i'll be hauling my saggy arse around Europe.Hence the title of the blog...i got the taste of going solo when i did three trips to Germany and Czechia of a month apiece in the summers leading up to 2020,after that of course most people's travel plans were on hold(apart from gov't officials it seems).My passport ran out and i could'nt be bothered to renew until just before my retirement and also most travel was back to relative normality...

After many,many,many rewrites of my destinations i finally settled on a definative tour schedule mostly because i knew i needed to get my arse in gear pretty damn quick...Once again i am on the train using an Interrail ticket,it's the three month one and whilst the initial outlay was expensive it allows the punter to have unlimited train travel to,from and in, thirty three countries.not only inter city but regional trains too.Rest assured i'll be getting my money's worth...i did a dry run to Berlin at Easter with interrail on my phone to see if i was down with the tech and it was fine.Imagine what state a paper one would be in after three months!

A third of the places i'm going to i have been before and want to go back because i either like them or did'nt have a great time previously and want to give them another chance...the other cities are new to me.This is the list;

Paris---I'm sure the Eurostar to Paris on August 1st will be nice & quiet and roomy...

Strasbourg---No reason.It looks a decent place and it breaks up the joirney

Munich---Been before.Did'nt have the best of times but pretty sure that was more down to me rather than Munich.Deserves another chance...

Linz---Not,and i can't stress this enough,to pay some twisted homage to the birthplace of a failed painter with a silly mustache.Was going to stay in Salzburg but for some reason the hotels are all too expensive...

Graz---Like Strasbourg a filler for a couple of days before forwarding to...

Trieste---I'm already fascinated by this place.An Italian enclave surrounded by Croatia & Slovenia & The Adriatic Sea  and has been the subject of countless invasions over the centuries.Like Poland but with better food.Also the 20's (that's 1920's not 2020's) saw the great,good,diabolical and all inbetween of artists,writers & political agitators set up camp there...Prosecco is also just up the road...

Verona---Wanted to stay in Italy in a city beginning with V and Venice looks like a touristy hell hole.Also with the beard i can pretend to be the ghost of Billy Shakespere...

Genoa---I have always been drawn to ports and Genoa fits the bill perfectly...

Lyon---Back to France.been told Lyon is a cool place so that's it really...

Freiburg---Despite travelling extensively around Germany i've never seen the Black Forest or even stayed anywhere that looks like the cliched chocolate box Germany we all know ao well...

Stuttgart---Never been.Looks big and brash so probably a perfect antidote to the Freiburg cuteness...

Nuremberg---Been before,liked it.Going to catch up on some WW11 history that i missed last time...

Ceske Budejovice---South Bohemia,the one and only and original Budweiss is brewed there.Need i say more?

Prague---Had to go back to Prague.A Czech girl i work with is going to give me a list of places to go away from the tourist traps so that's cool and i have to see the Flying Lions statue celebrating the Free Czech air force who helped defeat the Nazis that has my dad's name etched on it...pretty dammed proud of that!

Leipzig---return here too.Cool place.Had a great crack with many locals last time.A return was long overdue...

Berlin---Bet those that know me are shocked i'm going here! Been about half a dozen times already'Love the whole vibe of the city.This time i am staying on a boat next to the Esat Side Gallery which might be the coolest place i have ever stayed.Also have some friends coming over from UK whilst there...

Hamburg---Another old staple on the German trail.been a few times.Cool place and also get to meet up with Rikky,a big Wolves,Terry Hall & memes fan who lives close by...

Copenhagen---The start of the short Scandi part of the trip.Lovely Lovely Copenhagen as the song goes.We will see...

Oslo---Probably the longest section of the trip.As i'm up that part of the world might aswell dip my toe into Norway(ditto Sweden) Heard it's stupidly expensve even by London standards...

Gothenburg---The swedish leg.Another Port city...

Odense---Back to Denmark.A bit of a filler for two days really...

Breman---Been before.Love the city.Always gets ignored when Brits travel to the German cities but it's worh the effort.Some good bars...

Rotterdam---Was last there forty years ago and obviously it's changed a lot since then.Looks like the city have really put the effort in to make the place as interesting as possible.Did'nt fancy Amsterdam as i have enough of Stag & Hen parties where i live...

Dusseldorf----Another favourite just behind Berlin.Cool city.End of...

Mainz---Never been but that train journey along the Rhine goind south from Cologne/Bonn is totally worth it.Get a seat on the left left hand side if you can...

Cologne---A stop off to be close to Eurostar but still a top place to visit.Been a few times...

Lille---Last stop for a couple of days before heading back to Blighty...

So that's it...by necessity will have to travel light,got three months of prescription drugs to pack for one thing! (Us old un's need the drugs).So it will have to be a case of buying some clothes on the hoof.I am also going to try to write this blog daily where no doubt i will moan about tourists while being a complete and utter tourist...when i wrote a daily blog traipsing around Germany in 2019 people seemed to like it,so...until then.

Ren…The game changer.

The earth has gone round the sun nearly sixty five times since I have been on it and like most old buggers I am fairly set in my ways,especially when it comes to music.I certainly never expected to find a new (to me) artist to rave about and certainly not one who could  reduce me to tears whilst also acting like newly converted zealot…

Trawling through YouTube about two weeks ago one of the reaction sites I follow popped up (No Protocol.Check her out,she’s good)featured a music video called Hi Ren by Ren.She doesn’t normally do music so it intrigued me,also the thumb nail of a fella in a wheelchair dressed in hospital gown clutching an acoustic guitar peaked my interest.The journey had began…

Ren is a British artist based in Brighton (Welsh by birth) who is suffering from years of chronic illness,including Lyme disease,misdiagnoses and psychological disorders.He’s currently in Canada undergoing intensive treatment and I wish him all the best.I have been left speechless in admiration by his artistic talent…

Hi Ren is over nine minutes long and is a run through of his mental torment suffered over ten years,featuring about five different genres and is absolutely fucking mind blowingly brilliant. I laughed,I cried and on two occasions found myself punching the air shouting “Fucking yes! Get in!” Like Wolves had scored a last minute winner…I was drained but wanted to hear & see more so fell upon Chalk Outlines,a duet with fellow Brit Chinchilla.Guess what? I was blubbering again halfway through.How can this be? How can one artist make me feel this way after only two songs? 

Ren is not only an extremely talented musician but also a wonderful lyricist with an amazing singing range and also a pretty good actor.Witness his back & forth struggle between his inner  voices on Hi Ren.His “ bad” Ren is a tour de force snake like entity  swaying hypnotically whilst spitting out barbed insults with caustic humour.Think Jungle Book meets Trainspotting…I have just finished watching his trilogy of tales (Jenny’s,Schreech’s & Violet’s Tales) and again I ended up open mouthed with a lump in my throat…

But don’t think it’s all Leonard Cohen reciting Macbeth in a psych ward as there’s some joyful stuff on his YouTube channel too usually busking on the streets of Brighton with  the band The Big Push ( who are pretty damn good too) or a pal called Sam Tomkins ( another fine singer) I have heard him do Amy Winehouse,Nina Simone,Bob Marley & Black Sabbath amongst others.It’s like the best karaoke in the best pub drinking with your best mates…he can also rap too because of course he fucking can! 

So yea Ren.An extraordinarily talented individual with an extraordinary story to tell.If you haven’t done so already go check him out and you might become a bit of a fanboy or girl like me…

All power to your elbow Ren…

Fur coat,no knickers…

We’re back! Etc etc… 

The whole world and his wife has commented on the return to football of fans after our little eighteen-month hiatus so I won’t bore you about it here. Instead, I’ll bore you about my return to football after our enforced break…

First up our train to Wolves was cancelled. Get the Glasgow train they said, change at Rugby and go on from there.No worries. Sat down, opened a beer…ah this feels good…bing bong. The train to Wolves is now back on, you have a couple of minutes to get your arse in gear and go get that one. In a line beloved of hack Hollywood scriptwriters, “ I’m getting too old for this shit” 

After all that I think we ended up getting to Wolves on time …Wolves station has had a bit of a makeover but it’s only superficial. Yea it looks shiny & new from the outside but peeks behind the curtains and it’s still the same drab provincial railway station. Fur coat, no knickers…If it does get the full treatment though I hope they keep the exceptionally badly drawn mural that adorns the old walkway. It’s a classic of its genre…

The town hasn't altered much since I was last there although a new building has sprung up in front of  The Prince Albert which is so non-descript I can’t describe it…

 

But the rest of the town I saw remains gloriously unchanged.The Posada wasn’t open yet but The Goose next door was and I find the most civilised way of waiting for a pub to open is go drink in the pub next door which is open…it would appear that table service in the pubs has now taken a back seat and we‘ve gone back to the jostling at the bar for drinks.To be fair if The Posada had table service they’d only get about twenty punters in…

We debated about getting down the ground early as none of us really knew how any new restrictions would pan out but British football fans are adverse to getting in the grounds too early as there’s virtually no infrastructure in place to tempt us away from the boozer.It’s all well and good clubs begging us to arrive early but they have to provide an incentive to do so.Namely good sized concourses with plenty of beer & food outlets selling good quality,reasonably priced fare…all debate was moot anyway as it turns out everything is exactly the same as it was before the Covid kerfuffle except I saw a few hand sanitizer dispensers on the wall…

I’m not very good at football analysis so this will be brief…we looked far more exciting to watch than we have for a couple of years.Bruno wants us to attack rather than protect.I like it.We dominated for large periods and continually harassed Spurs.Unfortunately we couldn’t score…fur coat,no knickers.But I fully expect knickers to be put on soon and the floodgates to open(so to speak) Nuno got a nice clap from the South Bank at the end but nothing else.A few fans were thinking stewards would be handing out the Koolaid in a mass suicide at the mere sight of the man but I’m glad to say things on the Nuno front were decidedly down beat,respectful,but downbeat…

That’s it really.All in all a pretty bog standard day at the football and after eighteen months of us fans not having a Scooby what’s gonna happen to our game a bog standard day at the football is a thing of beauty and is to be cherished…long may it continue.

Nuno The Redeemer

What Wolverhampton needs as you get off the brand spanking new station facade is a huge statue of Nuno Espirito Santo in the style of Rio’s Christ The Redeemer. It’ll make a statement to any visitors. I’d put it smack bang in the middle of that passage where Sainsbury’s sits and the God botherers try to foist pamphlets onto weary, indifferent shoppers...It can be a tourist attraction. Local hostelries? Straight on.Molineux? Turn right and follow the ring road. Heath Town favela? Hmmm, probably best not risk it, my friend...

Nuno’s sacking was a complete shock but then again it wasn't really. By the standards of the last three years, this season had been a failure. Injuries to key players have not helped, flogging Jota hasn't either as even when off form he was a tough little fucker to mark for ninety minutes...having empty stadiums has probably affected Wolves more than most too. Yes, all fans like to think they’re the loudest but the amount of pros who comment on Molineux‘s noise is a testament to our level of shoutiness..All this has taken a toll on the squad and most notably on Nuno.

He was beginning to look like a shell of the man we had taken to our hearts and had also taken us to our hearts too. Much of the football we played was a mirror image of how Nuno appeared to us. Lacking sparkle, imagination, totally moribund...but what can you expect from a loving, caring family man who was estranged from his kith and kin by a thousand miles for the best part of fifteen months? I defy anyone not to be badly affected by that...

But I don't want to focus on the last year and a bit. I’d rather focus on Nuno’s time at Wolves as a whole. Did he leave the club in a better position than when he came? Yes. Are there better players there now than when he came? Yes. Has he given the Wolves fans pride in their club? Yes. Has he got a magnificently luxurious beard? Yes.

It wasn't only about football though. Wolverhampton is the staple of music hall jokes up and down the land and has been for many years. We usually get it shoved down our throats about what a shithole the place is and by extension the people too.That’s  nonsense of course but that drip, drip of negativity wears you down and it seemed to wear the city down too, so when a parade of exotic strangers from far away places come into town and start handing out compliments about the city it galvanised everyone, even those like me who haven't lived there for many years...what makes it better was how heartfelt it all was. If Nuno was a snake oil salesman he was a bloody good one...

In the words of Ron Manager “Football is a cruel mistress” and it certainly can be but Nuno was afforded the send-off he deserved and there was plenty of tears shed both from him, his staff and fans alike...not only did he help the club believe in themselves. He helped the fans believe in themselves also. Hell, he even helped a whole city believe in itself! There are not many football people I take notice of and listen to when they speak but when Nuno waxed I was ready to drink that Kool-Aid...

.

So thank you Nuno for bringing pride back to my club and back to my city. A city that will never forget you and your wonderful contribution to its wealth fare and if there’s a go fund me for a huge fuck-off Nuno The Redeemer statue I'm in...

Lockdown football...it's shit and we know it is.

I doubt if any football fan can seriously debate whether the game is better off during lockdown than not.There may be a few contrarians who would but they're probably the same people who'd argue that walking into the middle of the motorway keeps drivers alert...

It's been a year since lockdown began and  our lives have probably changed for ever,or at least for the forseeable future, and of course the world of football is'nt immune from the outside realities despite occasionally believing itself to be so...The vast majority of us who regulary go to games are bereft of our crutch,our escape from the grind for one or two days a week for nine months of the year.If truth be told many of us miss the social side of it more than the actual game itself...

Of course football has not stopped at all,just us fans.Football without fans is like a wedding with no guests.Yes the couple get hitched but there's no family to enjoy the day,no pissed off inlaws,no full bar,no dodgy finger buffet and no brawl in the car park.It's just a thing that happens for official records and nobody gives a shit...

I have a season ticket at Wolves and go to as many games as i can during a season.I can't get to them all for a varity of reasons but probably make 65% home & away.A pretty decent amount i think.Usually i have a great crack no matter the result with good beer and good mates.I think my matchday experience is on a par with most football going football fans.Even in times of normality i find it hard to watch a televised game through the whole 90 odd minutes of the match so watching lockdown games i find almost immpossible...

The way with football is that the excitement is sporadic at best.If you get play that grips you for half of the game you're lucky.A quarter or third of decent play is the norm.The rest is filler and for me that's when my mind drifts off and i watch the crowd.During televised games it's great fun to see the twelve year old acting tough to the opponent fans or the respectable looking grandad clearly calling the ref a fucking wanker.It's fun.It's all part of the fabric of the game.The Fans are the game and when they're not there it's devoid of any sort of meaningful impact on what's going on down on the pitch.I love seeing the crowd celebrate a goal.A moment of delirium when all inhibitions are swept aside to jump all over starngers declaring your love for them...I love hearing the songs that tumble down from the stands.In the DBL(Days before lockdown) if you could hear the players on the pitch you knew it was a shitty game with no atmosphere.Now it could be the best technically sound match there's ever been but you can still hear the players and so it's meaningless and you don't give a fuck...

In some cases the tv companies have tried to counter the noiseless stadiums by providing piped in crowd noises but it does'nt work at all and to me it's an unwelcome distraction.Bless em' they try but even after all these years they have no real idea about fan culture.So they pipe in 90 mins of continious singing which just does'nt happen anywhere ever.They also add "Ohhh's" and "Ahhh's" too signifying a near miss but often it's two seconds too late.Two seconds does'nt sound much but if a team hits the bar and the reaction is'nt instant it's a fucking lifetime...

But of course all this will end once fans are allowed back in and i believe the fans will be louder than ever, for a time anyway, until the novilty wears off.One thing i fear will not change is staggered kick off times for all Premiership games.It's my belief the tv companies have wanted this for a while so they can televise every game thus making as much money as possible and this pandemic is the perfect window for that experiment.The goose is laying the golden egg and i can't see the FA providing a butt plug to stem the flow...The only people to suffer in that are us fans but hey what do we matter?

Like most fans i can't wait to get back in the stadiums for a game.Can't wait for the bad beer,bad food,bad farts and bad jokes.Can't wait for packed pre and post game pubs.Can't wait for that first walk through the subway(don't dare get rid of it Wolves council) to the southbank.Can't wait for that  dodgy as fuck double cheeseburger plastered in caramalised onions and red sauce outside the ground.Can't wait for that rancid smelling flag to be passed over our heads in the south bank.Hell i even miss Hi Ho Silver bloody Lining...

I can't fucking wait...

It's a conspiracy i tells ya...

 Conspiracy----Any concurrence in action.Combination in bringing about a given result.

When i was a callow youth parties were frequented in dank,cold flats stinking of tabs,cheap cider,farts and smelly socks.Invariably it was mostly blokes and invariably the talk got round to all sorts of wild theories concerning those in power but in truth even though we'd hot knived enough Leb Black to knock Bob Marley on his arse we all knew we were mostly talking absolute bollocks but it was a good laugh...these days conspiracy theories are anything but a good laugh.

Even if we don't admit it to ourselves nearly all of us like to think we're smarter than the average Joe,more savvy,more in the know but we temper those thoughts,we reign in our inner monologue to deal with the everyday but conspiracy theorists don't,or can't, and that's where the whole crux of many conspiracy theories come in.The idea that you've worked out the inner workings of clandestine government operations and thus are more than a mere drone is very persuasive.It gives you a grandiose feeling of superiority over those you percieve to be part of the common herd,those you percieve as below you on an intellectual level.Mere "Sheeple" if you will...

Of course conspiracies have happened,are happening and will continue to happen.I'd suggest most political killings have an element of conspiracy involved in the purest sense of the word.If more than one person decides to murder a political opponent then that's a conspiracy.Sometimes it's called terrorism but if cooperative governments are involved it's called "Procedure".Probably the biggest inter governmental conspiracy ever was the Wannsee Conference held just outside Berlin early in 1942 where the plans for the liquidation of the Jews were rubber stamped by high ranking Nazi officials.There's even a film made about it called "Conspiracy" Ironically many conspiracy theorists are now Holocaust deniers thus bringing the whole thing full circle...

We can all laugh at flat earthers,it's an easy thing to do, especially as they continue to tie themselves up in knots concocting ever elaborate theories trying to deny the rudiments of physics.Trying to convince us,and themselves probably,that the whole of the universe is some construct by NASA to...well i don't know what they think NASA gains from this.In their version of the world or in ours NASA would exist no matter what...the thing is we've all gone down the rabbit hole on occassions especially whilst flicking through You Tube videos and especially in these times of enforced lockdowns and for many of us that's fine because we come out the other side unscathed albeit a little shaken.However for some they never come back unsullied by the experience.They are susceptible and thus they're open to be moulded into a certain political agenda by those that would pray on their weakness...and not only is this not funny it's also dangerous...

It's dangerous because the political extreme right have used these platforms to reel those people in to their world view and people are now dying because of it...it's fair to say the extreme right have manipulated social media to their own ends with great effect...they're pushing anti vaccination,anti masks,anti compliance with pandemic rules etc with the aim of distabilising society.They have pushed QAnon to a point where some believers commited murder. I doubt if those behind the online conspiracies believe the tripe they're uploading but that does'nt matter because it serves a purpose for them.This has gone beyond David Ike being seen as a figure of fun and a failed footballer to him selling countless millions of books and filling out 30,000 capacity stadiums to spout his foolish bullshit which people are swallowing up like hyper active five year olds do M & M's... it's taken on a seemingly unstopable life of it's own whereby some are hoodwinked into being a danger to themselves and others... and that my friends is my own conspiracy theory.