I don't know how well self help books do in the rest of the world but in the UK we tend to shun such fripperies as against our national psych,which, as you all know, is stiff to the point of rigor mortis...
Anyway i thought i'd redress the balance on here.I don't go in for psychobabble----I'm British after all---but i feel if you follow these rules and undoubted truisms of life you won't go far wrong.(But if you do it's a waste of time suing me as i'm as broke as a Greek hobo)
1) If you're buying a round of drinks and one of your number wants a Guinness----It seems popular,though for the life of me i can't see it.Is it a drink or industrially recovered slurry?---Then order that first before any of the other drinks.Y'see it takes about three minutes to pour a real Guinness so it gives the bartender time to get the rest of the drinks.If you don't follow this simple rule not only will you wait longer for your drink but those waiting to be served will henceforth know you as a "Bloody waste of space amateur dickhead"
2)Talking of nicknames:There are no rules regarding nicknames.They are what they are,be it rude,crude or downright unfathomable.I'm on about real clever nicknames like Chariots(Martin Offiah) or Afghanistan(Mark Waugh,twin brother of ex Aussie cricketer Steve.Afghanistan= The forgotten war) The habit of adding "Y" to the end of the recipients real name is lazy in the extreme.The best nicknames are those that last a lifetime,especially when the only people who know your real name are your family...But there is one rule everyone should stick to...Nicknames are earned,either through looks,an unfortunate incident or an inspired bit of piss taking.You can never,ever----and i can't stress this enough----choose your own nickname.If in doubt see Paul "The Guv'nor" Ince or David "kid" Jensen(Now close to 60,but to his credit not on bail)
3)"Alright?" "Yea fine thanks" "you?.. That's the conversation we all have daily with casual aquanintances.It means nothing apart from keeping to the script of social protocol.At a push the weather can be discussed or the awful journey into work but the one thing that can't be discussed is the truth.Imagine this: "Alright?" " Well not really,i have debts up to my eyeballs,the kids are running amock and i think the missus is having an affair,i'm at the end of my tether..." See? No bugger wants that at 8am.You've got your own problems...
4)Ah work.I think it's a truism that many of us don't actually know what even our closest friends & family do at work.we have an idea and know their title but that's it.When in a social situation like a party it's fraught with danger.If you ask someone what they do you've already switched off after ten seconds and are now wondering if you've remembered to record the football.Keep the description of what you do concise otherwise you've lost them.Never say "I dabble in this and that" They'll think you're a crook.Never say "I import and export" They'll think you're a drug dealer.Never say "I'm a banker" they'll think you're a twat...
5)To paraphrase Sartre "Hell is other people's babies" Yes we're all happy when those close to us have a baby of course...but,well you know.The excited parents regail all and sundry with the joys of the first crawl,walk,word,nappy filler etc...and then there's the photo's,oh lord the many many photo's....And we all do our duty of feigning interest whilst dying a little inside.It's only the restraining social fabric that stops us screaming " That's the ugliest baby i've ever seen,poor bugger's got a face like a lizard's chuff" The rule is;Respect the restraints of other's pride and joy.It may be your turn one day. otherwise you'll never be invited anywhere by anyone ever again...
6)Embrace your inner child: Now this sounds like a load of new age drippy hippy bollocks and of course it is but there's nothing wrong with being a bit silly in your dotage,jumping in puddles,chasing balloons etc.So yes embrace your inner child just as long as that child is happy,carefree and lights up the room...If it's a bit of a whiny brat don't bother.there's nothing remotely attractive about a 47 year old with the sulks.If your inner child is a cross between Violet Elizabeth Bott and Chucky then it's advisable to keep your inner child inside you.Deep,deep inside you...
7)The water cooler moment; Now obviously this is'nt meant to be taken literally.The only conversation i've ever had at the water cooler goes thus " Where's the bloody cups? who's job is it to replace the cups? Ferchrissakes..." No it pertains to the Zeitgeist,usually the tv Zeitgeist,usually the reality tv Zeitgeist.Simple rule.If someone starts up a conversation with " Did you see Big Brother/X Factor/I'm a Z list celebrity get me some publicity ?" The correct, indeed the only, reply is "Oh do fuck off " Trust me you'll feel much better and will also be doing the world a favour...
These are my seven rules.Stick with these and you won't go far wrong.You won't go right either but hey,i'm not here to save the world...
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