Wolves and Leyton Orient are top two in division one,they're nine & eight points ahead of the chasing pack respectively with twenty eight games to go.It's time for the clubs to open negotiations between themselves to implement the top secret strategy know as MAP...
MAP stands for Mutual assured promotion.There are times in the cruel world of football when the super powers need to band together to protect their own status from marauding upstarts who's desire is topple and rule with their own brand of despotic football.Make no mistake these deviants are waiting to pounce on any weakness apparent in the top two.If we're not careful then one(or both) of us could slip up in our combined goal of promotion and fall headlong into the maelstrom of doubt,recriminations and,worst of all,gloating opponents...This must not be allowed!
So much as the energy companies form a cartel Wolves & Leyton Orient need to do the same to protect their interests...So how will MAP work to our advantage in gaining promotion whilst banishing our slovenly foes to another season of scraping the division one barrel for any crumbs of comfort they can grab hold of...
First off the games involving the two giants will be pre-determined---not fixed of course,that would be crude---Some may think two draws would suffice but that would give the Barbarian hordes massing at our gates the chance to gain four points on us so i'm afraid both clubs will have to bite the bullet and have one defeat each,thus giving both clubs three points instead of one.
We also have to think of the goal difference here so i suggest instead of going through the tiresome business of actually playing each other we should both forfeit our away game.Such action will result in a 3-0 win for the home team.Orient could claim to have had their coach held up by a modern day Dick Turpin just off the North Circular and Wolves will claim a mild case of distemper has decimated the squad...Job done.
Loans play an increasing important role in the game and we'll make full use of a co-dependent loan system between the clubs.Each first team eleven will be on the bench of the other club on matchdays.There will have to be some tinkering with the fixtures to make sure we play on separate days of course,but imagine it.Wolves need a goal? bring on Mooney.Orient need to see out a 1-0 lead? bring on Danny Batth.Simple and effective...
What else can be done to ensure MAP is an unmitigated success? There could be a sustained smear campaign aimed at all our rivals in the media emitting from the Black Country and East London in order to diminish their challenge further.I feel that Orient CEO Barry Hearn may be best suited to orchestrate this as he seems to have a certain expertise in this field...Planted stories about managers & players will help to undermine team morale,especially if it involves spurious claims of John Terry type shenanigans with team mates partners...
The fans of both respective clubs can help too.If enough Wolves and Orient fans turn up at our rivals home games we can destabilise them by booing at every opportunity(it's important to be spread around the ground so as not to arouse suspicion) jeering their star players and chanting for their manager's/chairman's head.In the case of Rotherham's Steve Evans calling for his head should be a nationwide campaign...
We will fall short of actually injuring rival players but there are other ways to get to them.Every opportunity should be taken to remind Bradford's Nahki Wells that he really has a very silly name for instance.Telling Coventry's Leon Clarke that Paolo di Canio was right etc.Nothing hurts a player more than a blow to his ego...If any of them are on Twitter keep sending them ads for Viagra and penis enhancement...It all helps.
If we can get this into action then success will be guaranteed for the two giants of division one,finally leaving the lower orders behind to wallow in misery.If it fails then i'm afraid we'll have to resort to good old fashioned bribery...
MAP... It's nasty,dishonest,undignified,cynical and downright wrong.But hey,that's football...
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