Myself and my mate Nozza,the self styled Derren Brown of Provence,have been burning the candle at both ends for all of ten minutes to bring you,the fevered and expectant public,our predictions for the up coming year...
January) By the second week of January the entire populations of both Bulgaria & Romania have decamped en masse to Dover and Hastings respectively leaving the way open for Cameron to invade Bulgaria with the remaining British Armed Forces,comprising of ten thousand boy scouts,a Pedalo and the balloon used in the film "Around the World in 80 Days". Bulgaria is to be a staging post for a push into China later in the year...Meanwhile realising the game's up The Daily Mail begins printing in Cyrillic Script in an attempt to corner the Bulgarian market...Nigel Farage's head explodes.
February) The entire Romanian population departs Hastings en masse to join up with the British troops in Bulgaria for the forthcoming invasion of China."It'll be a damn sight easier than working in all those bloody tea shops" says a Romanian spokesman.Meanwhile there's a surprise when Dimitar Berbatov replaces Nigel Farage as leader of UKIP...Godfrey Bloom's head explodes.
March) The world of show business is rocked to it's very core when The Sun exclusively reveals that Tom Hanks really is as nice as he seems.Meanwhile in Bulgaria the British combined forces are in turmoil when it's announced nobody thought to bring the X Box chargers...The Daily Mail and UKIP leader Dimitar Berbatov blame the Romanians...Paddy Ashdown's head explodes.
April) Music:Justin Bieber joins One Direction but leaves a week later citing "Musical differences" Bieber then joins Napalm Death but a week later they leave to join One Direction in a bid to gain more Twitter followers...Miley Cyrus becomes the first daughter of a cheesy C & W singer to twerk unaided across the Grand Canyon... Twitter explodes.
May) Ex Cricketer Fred Flintoff pays a morale boosting visit to the combined British & Romanian forces stationed in Bulgaria,unfortunately after an agreeable lunch in the Officer's Mess he takes the rapid response Pedalo out on the Black Sea and gets captured by the Russians after straying into their waters...Meanwhile in sport the English Cricket team decide to declare all their first innings'in the summer tests to avoid any embarrassment...Geoff Boycott's head explodes.
June) The Lib Dems have made it known they'd happily form a coalition with the newly formed Bulgarian backed BUKIP party.A spokesman said "It's all about remaining in power and as we've already sold our souls it does'nt really matter who we get into bed with"... The World Cup is abandoned after five games when Qatar make a bid to be awarded the cup in perpetuity,FIFA agree on condition payment is cash only.The English press declare England World Champions as they remained unbeaten due to not playing a game...Roy Hodgson's head explodes.
July) Summer madness as two whole days of temperatures reaching 27C stops all transport in the country.The Tories blame the Labour Party,the SNP blame the English and BUKIP blame the Romanians...The planned invasion of China is abandoned due to the ten thousand Scouts starting their summer holidays in Tuscany... Guy Ritchie is to direct "Eastenders,The Movie!" The Samaritans announce all time record phone calls received...Ross Kemp's head explodes.
August) Sky & BT both pull out of tv deals covering the EPL,Sky said they could'nt afford that and Murdoch's divorce and BT claimed it cost all their money to persuade the blonde actress to kiss that gobshite in the adverts.All Premiership players put on minimum wage and zero hours contracts.John Terry is caught shoplifting in Poundland...The Commonwealth Games finishes in Glasgow.Nobody had noticed it had even begun...Roman Abramovitch's head explodes
September) The Romanians decide to stay in Bulgaria " We may as well stay here now,the place is empty and it's better than going back home with all those bloody Hammer Horror Goth tourists clogging up the place thinking we're all sodding Vampires" said a spokesman...Scotland votes for independence,the next day a Viking task force,led by Sven Goran Eriksson , sails up the Firth of Forth to claim Scotland in the name of his forefathers. "It's the least i could do" says Sven... Alex Salmond's head explodes.
October) Mass riots in Bavaria when Wetherspoons takes over the the Oktoberfest and every bench is taken up by a solitary old man complaining about the state of the country...The Star Wars franchise seems to be running out of ideas when the latest film is just two hours of Ray Winstone as Darth Vader shouting "Who's the Daddy?"...Cardiff owner Vincent Tan changes the clubs strip to all white and their name to "New Jack City".This is accepted without a murmur of discontent...Sam Hammam's head explodes.
November) England is declared bankrupt by the IMF,a beachcomber finds a £2 coin on Brighton beach and immediately rises to the top of the Times rich list.Meanwhile the Prime Minister becomes CEO of payday loan company Wonga saying "We're all in this together suckers"...In other news Taylor Swift marries Snoop Dogg in Hollywood.Mr & Mrs Dogg are wed by the Rev Justin Bieber...Miley Cyrus's head explodes.
December) Bit of a Surprise at Woking Pantomime where Christopher Biggins,a tour de force as Widow Twanky,announces he's now to be addressed as Obergruppenfuhrer and that the tanks are rolling on Downing St as he speaks.He's not joking...The Daily Mail editorial comments that Obergruppenfuhrer Biggins is the strong leader this country's needed since 1939...The Bulgarians defect to Romania en Masse...David Cameron's head explodes.
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