The World Cup begins in three weeks---god it seems like only four years since the last one----This time instead of trying to hide the Townships in South Africa the relevant authorities will be consumed with attempting to hide the Favelas from the gaze of moneyed football tourists.A far more difficult task as at least the Apartheid regime in SA had the common decency to locate their unwanted population far from view...There has already been internal strife in Cities hosting games due to ungrateful locals wanting money spent on such piffling things like decent food and shelter rather than the sheer joy of seeing Greece taking on Japan in their backyard...Expect some good old fashioned South American junta like clampdown in the coming weeks...
Anyway,welcome to the greatest show on earth!
Group A (The group of apparent rude health)
Brazil) The hosts and quite probably the favourites.Not mine though.Frankly i have'nt taken to any Brazilian side since the heady days of the Socrates inspired 1982 team and the rightly feted 1970 mob.Still they seem popular with many so who am i to argue? Expect to hear lots of drums and see cameramen picking out beautiful women with alarming regularity--why it's almost as if they're planted there deliberately---also expect to see "Big Phil" scowl and Neymar fall down.A lot...
Croatia) Always capable of greatness but equally of crass stupidity.If things are'nt going their way expect to see not only toys being thrown out of the pram but the pram also destroyed from within(Clumsy political analogy klaxon) They will probably qualify with Brazil but i'm hoping they don't and not just because of their awful red & white checkered shirts.If they manage to bring a lot of fans you will get a taste of their strident nationalism...
Mexico) Not a happy ship apparently.Have got through three managers during the qualifiers alone.At that rate Greg Dyke will be fast tracking them into the Premiership asap.Sneaked into 4th place just above Panama.A shadow of their former selves.Mexicans love their football and hopefully they'll bring loads of fans.They'd best get there quick though as they'll only see them in three games.
Cameroon) Remember when Cameroon announced themselves on the world stage in Italia 1990 with a triple neck high assault on Argentina's coke fiend and occasional footballer Claudio Caniggia ? They also beat the then reigning world champions in the biggest world cup shock since Willie Johnstone was sent home in 1978 with his jagged little pill.Should have been the first African team to reach the semi final that year but fell foul of Gary Lineker's trailing leg in the penalty area,twice.Samuel Eto' is still their star player so unfortunately don't expect much from them.Hope i'm wrong...
Group B) (The group of feeling a bit peaky)
Spain) Current world champions after beating a testosterone fueled Holland in the 2010 final.Will be one of the favourites again by right but i can't deny i have a problem with Spain.They are a fine team with some of the greatest players on the planet yet if they don't score early there does'nt appear to be a plan B.They camp outside the opponents penalty area playing their training ground tippy tappy stuff until everyone gets bored,turns over to Eastenders and loses the will to live.On reflection maybe it's the opponents that make their games deadly dull.After all it's not really Spain's fault they're so good at keeping the ball but seeing game after game with 80% to 20% possession is not fun to watch.Look out for outrageous harassment of the officials,as if the dice was'nt loaded in their favour enough...
Holland) Nearly everyone's second favourite team---well mine anyway---Losing finalists three times and i would love to see them win the damn thing one day.Normally we hear of internal rows and splits between groups of players but this time it's been quiet.Too quiet.Not sure the world can cope with a Dutch dressing room full of love & harmony.It would be a bit like seeing your local church full of Hell's Angels.Watch out for their fans all dressed in the brightest orange and Arjen Robben's spectacular triple reverse pike half twist somersault & tuck...
Chile) They were probably my favourite team at the last world cup.Combined fast flowing attacking football with the sort of tackling that a division nine pub team would be a bit ashamed of.I don't see why this time will be any different.If they're on song may well qualify out of the group at the expense of either Spain or Holland.
Australia) A few years ago it looked as if the Aussies would become a force,of sorts,on the world stage and all of England shuddered at the prospect.They can have the Cricket & Rugby but football? No way!Glad to say they will be the whipping boys of this group.That may seem unduly cruel but if you're a bitter little Englander like me you'll fully understand where i'm coming from.Will set up good barbies on the beach though...
Group C(The group of dearth)
Colombia) Ask anyone about Colombian football and most will only know about drug cartels and the sad murder of Andres Escobar after his own goal in the 1994 world cup.I have to admit my knowledge is fairly limited too.However they qualified in 2nd place only two points behind Argentina so they seem to be in good shape.Unfortunately don't expect to see any Carlos Valderramaesque hairstyles among the players although some wigs may be evident in the stands...
Greece) 2004 European Championship.Greece were 80/1 outsiders but in a series of games where they parked a fleet of double decker buses defensively then relied on a set piece goal they only went and won the thing. A tour de force of football pragmatism.It was a Jose Mourinho wet dream...This time they have no chance.I doubt if they'll even score a goal.Their star player is Kostas Mitroglou who has just been relegated with Fulham having proved himself less mobile than the statue of Michael Jackson that stood outside Craven Cottage...
Ivory Coast) Possibly the most talented side in sub Saharan Africa and i expect them to qualify out of this poor group.Any team with the majestic Yaya Toure in central midfield must have a chance of doing well.With a fair wind could make the quarter finals...expect pedantic football hipsters insisting on calling them Cote D'ivoire...
Japan) Have qualified for the last five world cups and have many players plying their trade in the top European leagues so may have a chance of springing a surprise or two.Always regarded as a bit of a novelty act in the world of football but have some skill.Look out for their mascot Pikachu.The most Japanese mascot you could ever imagine...
Group D(The group of near death experience)
Uruguay) That a country of 3 million can produce constantly decent teams is an outstanding achievement.We all know about Luis Suarez in England but we still don't know how to stop the bugger.I'm sure he will relish playing against us as will Diego Forlan who will feel he has something to prove having been regarded as a failure in the UK---Unfairly in my view---Even though they struggled to qualify they're a dangerous outfit and tough as old boots.
Italy) What will Italy do? They will do what they always do.Piss about in the group stage just doing enough to qualify then probably go on to win the bloody thing.They still have Buffon in goal who must be as old as Methuselah's dad by now.Everyone will be keeping a sharp eye on the maverick Mario Balotelli in the hope of him doing something outrageously stupid.I have a feeling he won't disappoint...
Costa Rica) Will they do to England what they did to Scotland many moons ago? I for one hope not but it's not inconceivable.Knowing how the football gods work an Arsenal lad with the Scottish name of Campbell may knock us out.Could play a big part in the group by determining who goes through on goal difference...
England) For the first time in living memory the English press are playing down expectations that this will be our time to win the World Cup.Ironically this lack of hype has convinced some fans that because the pressure's off then we could actually win it,er don't believe the lack of hype people! The fundamental problem with English football is giving the ball away too cheaply.In this respect they're the exact opposite to Spain.Personally i don't think we'll get out of the group but if we do then the usual quarter final place could be our lot...Expect lots of damming stories in the good old English press & a Twitter meltdown when an England game is on...
Part 2 tomorrow...
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