Berlin; Ugly sexy...

Sounds horrible to call a city I love ugly but that’s what it is if you look at it wrong.True there are one or two beautiful old buildings dotted about but nothing out of the ordinary to be honest.The ravages of two relatively recent significant world events I suppose...but be that as it may It’s sexy as hell,sexy in a not-even-trying kinda way.A natural sexiness.Just fucking cool I suppose... I have yet to see what would be classed as a hipster knocking around the place.Berliners don’t need the fakery of that cooler-than-thou sub sect‘s time warped vision.Berlin still has some buildings with bullet holes.They don‘t need to invent anything... with Berlin the sexiness is effortless.

I‘m staying in what I presume is a bog standard Berlin neighbourhood,a combination of pleasant middle class life and urban sleaze.The bar i‘ve adopted As my local( pleasingly the barmaids know what I want to drink without asking.All I need is a pewter mug behind the bar to go full gammon) is opposite an U-Bahn Exit and i‘ve Seen more drug deals going down in the past five days than a year in a Wolverhampton pub...there‘s also a couple of massage parlours over the road too,but mixed in with all that are young families all happily going about their business whilst allowing those with less stable lives go about theirs...and as a stranger passing through I feel perfectly at home here and perfectly safe...

In fact the only time I have felt slightly worried about my own safety in what is my third visit here was on Wednesday night.The U-Bahn i was getting home decided to stop their service and kick everyone off. I didn’t have a scooby where I was and it was 11-30pm.Time to check up on the local bus and see if I recognise any names on the board.Luckily I did.However four Russian lads turned up pissed up & angry and began kicking lumps out of the bus shelter.I thought it only a matter of time before they fancied something a bit more fleshy to use as a football so it was a case of „“TAXI! Get me out of here pal...“ I must stress I wasn’t threatened but could see the way things might progress and as they say discretion is the better part of valour...not a great story but maybe it highlights that having spent nearly two months in Germany over three years this is as close as i‘ve got to a violent incident...

Stairs!  There I’ve said it.Sorry to shock you all...they’re everywhere and I’ve come to the conclusion that’s the reason not many Berliners are overweight.Obviously public transport has them in spades.Yes there are lifts in the stations but it’s a bit embarrassing trying to share one with three stressed mothers with pushchairs just cos’ you’ve had a drink and can’t be arsed walking up one flight...the real reason Berliners are so slim is the fact that there are no houses within a radius of about twenty miles so everyone lives in six story apartment blocks with no lifts.Berlin is like SIM city gone mad in that respect.As my friends will testify when we stayed in the top loor of one a few years ago that’s some trek a few times a day,enough to keep you as slim as Keith Richards on a slim fast diet...not being svelte like myself I’m a little jealous but take consolation in the fact their knees are all buggered...oh and they all cycle too and probably take a lot of drugs.So there’s that as well...

I‘m off to Düsseldorf on Sunday morning but once again Berlin has filled me with joy.It really is a tremendous city and hope it never loses its sexiness...

On a practical note for any first time visitors out there.Never welch on buying a Transport ticket and always validate it.I have had mine checked six times in five days by inspectors and seen them haul off four people for not having a ticket or the wrong one.So don’t risk it.The fines are heavy( about 70 Euros)

On a brighter note ,when you get on an U-Bahn station get BVG free WiFi.It works well down there and I go onto a platform sometimes just to check my phone...so if you need to read a works e-mail telling you Jim from accounts is nicking stationary that’s the place to go...

 

Laters alligators...

(Backup) Am i in Leipzig Or Logan‘s Run...

Sometimes I feel a lot younger than my years.I see other blokes my age and can‘t see it...I can’t see we have that arbitrary thing in common.Then sometimes I come to a place like Leipzig and think „“Jesus you’re an auld fucker“ It’s nothing Leipzig‘s done to me at all it’s just that everyone seems so young.So...Logan‘s Run with Jenny Agutter and that posh bloke who’s name escapes me cos‘,well, you know,Jenny Agutter...Mannheim,whilst being perfectly nice & all that,is Cocoon by comparison...maybe all the East German youngsters are gravitating to here rather than Berlin cos‘ of expenses and what Berlin is seen to have become by many locals...or maybe,and this might be a bit of a killer for many in the west of the country,the east will eventually take over due to it having a much younger population... 

Walking round Leipzig today and it began to look a lot like many other German cities and I was starting to feel a bit cheated( cos‘ it’s all about me) then I slipped down an arcade,then another etc. All these sexy hidden arcades with great shops & hidden bars...who doesn’t love an arcade? Even when packed you feel as though it’s there just for you.One of them opened into a street full of bars.It‘s my favourite...

Don’t think this place is cheap.It‘s not.Ok compared to London prices it is but that’s an unfair comparison to make.Certainly in town the beer/ food prices are on a par with Bristol say and this place has that kind of aura about it...I know I found a place flogging bottles of Bud( that’s Budvar,not the well marketed swill called Budweiser) for 1-50 Euro but that‘s out in Leutzsch where i‘m staying...i hope Leipzig never makes it onto the tiresome Brit Stag & Hen Party schedule.The place is too good for that and being between Berlin & Prague would probably be It’s saving grace in that respect... besides Berlin has the pull & Prague the cheap beer that may save that unedifying fate... 

I was gonna say something smartarsey about the architecture being typical Austro-Hungarian but actually did some research(yay Google Chrome) and the Habsburg empire never got this far.However there are some beautiful neo Georgian buildings around.They might even be Georgian.All those fuckers were related anyway...A few of the areas on the outskirts have a faded beauty about them and sadly some of those wonderful buildings have been left to crumble...Gonna get a one day travel ticket tomorrow and have a good old mooch around these places...

There does seem to be a small smattering of tourists around but like Bremen & Mannheim before these appear to be mostly fellow Germans.English is rarely spoken here so hopefully that’s another thing that keeps it off the Stag & Hen Party circuit...

It’s probably a big fault of mine but if I see anyone over 55 my first instinct is „“I wonder if they were Stasi?“. Shameful I know but I can’t help it! I’m sure none of them were.They all look so lovely *cough* If any locals read this maybe check all the ages of the local Neighbour Hood Watch.That might be a clue...

This is probably my last blog from Leipzig(Christ this is my third from here!) I‘m off to Berlin in a few days...I‘ll be surprised if I can find anywhere to watch Wolves thrash Man City on Saturday although there’s a sports bar next to the RB Leipzig ground but not hopeful( of seeing the game.Obviously we‘ll give City a football lesson)

Bis bald peeps...

(Backup) Leipzig;First thoughts...

If you come to Leipzig by train don‘t look at the multiple chain shops on the Hauptbahnhof concourse,all German mainline stations have basically the same things,no,look up at the building surrounding the fast food & cigs you like merchants.It‘s simply stunning.A cathedral to when train travel was still in it‘s infancy & probably seen as a luxury rather than a solid foundation of a country’s infrastructure...if you want to make a statement to new visitors Leipzig then you’re going the right way...

Another way is to have friendly locals...I knew which tram to catch so after a quick smoke went to the ticket machine on the platform and picked my ticket but the machine would‘nt take my note.A local woman tried to help but no go,then with a laugh she said „“Englisher go to a bar for change.You all drink“ which is pretty rich coming from a bloody German! But I defied the stereotype and got some water and she was still there when we met again she said „“Water? What kind of Englisher are you?“  l liked her,she made me laugh...The machine wouldn’t take my change either so was obviously busted but not after she’d roped in three other people to help this useless tourist.All happy to do so I must add...

Got my tram and even got off at the correct stop.Which is unusual fo me.Did‘nt have a scooby where the street was though and asked a couple...i‘m getting less self conscious of asking locals for things in German now...they didn’t know but shouted over to another couple across the street who pointed me in the right direction.Christ i‘d only been in the town less than an hour and eight people had gone out of their way to help me...i don’t care how much of a cynical bastard you are that’s gonna make you look favourably on a place...the hotel‘s fine.Think i pissed off the chambermaid as I solicited a few tuts off her but i‘ll win her over with my natural wit,charm or money...

I‘m staying in an area called Diakonissenhaus(yea that’s fucking easy for you to say) which is a bit run down but I have found an Aldi,laundrette( have to visit that soon) and, after fifteen minutes walking,one bar..,However bottles of Budvar are one Euro fifty so well worth the search.Think I have found my local cos‘ 1-50 a Budvar,There’s nowhere else round here and did I mention 1-50 a Budvar?

I like Leipzig already and I have seen nothing of it yet...

(Backup) Mannheim: Where the streets have no name*

There‘s a district of Mannheim called The Quadrant which is the main area of the city and it‘s true that there’s no street names only a letter/number combo...*in fact there are a few street names in the Quad but that wouldn’t fit on my headline and would have considerably altered U2‘s seminal song in the process...It seems like a weird idea but I suppose it works...

Mannheim is a lot bigger than i expected and also a lot busier too.Walking round the Quad on Saturday afternoon there were a lot of people about doing their thing.I don’t know how this area is viewed by the rest of Germany but it looks pretty prosperous to my eyes.There are plenty of expensive looking shops as well as a shed load of jewellers along with many cafe bars.Incidently I have yet to visit any city in Germany that has a „“dead“ look to it.My hometown has that look unfortunately.As much as I love it and am proud of my heritage i‘m afraid it has the look of a town that’s dying on its arse but I have yet to see any city in this country that has that death rattle  aura about it...

 

Even though i‘m a Brit I rarely discuss the weather in these blogs,and yes,I know i‘m a disgraceful ambassador for my country because of that so I hope this little bit will redress the balance and keep me out of the tower...it‘s hot! Phew what a scorcher! And all that.For the five days I have been here it‘s been 30 degrees daily without a hint of rain( it actually looks like we may get some today.Still horribly muggy though) I think the north had a bad time of it recently.As you travel on the train between Essen & Bremen the tens of thousands of acres of maize are just dead in the field.Brown & lifeless.Horrible to see...and my legs are still Lilly white. 

Mannheim and Ludwigshafen are cities split by the river Rhine.As far as I know there‘s no animosity between the two,which is a bit of a surprise( I can’t be arsed to get my Google head on and do any research.I’m not a journalist)Mannheim is far from the cliched German chocolate box image.Just a regular post war industrial city.Ludwigshafen however is definitely It’s ugly sister.Both solid working class areas I think it’s the least English I have heard in any German city yet...i‘m staying in Ludwigshafen and none of the local shops & bars I have been in have spoken English.It‘s fun.Causes me to try to make myself understood which usually ends up me throwing some German words around hoping some of them stick much to a combination of amusement & horror to those on the receiving end...although my English came in handy when a local overheard me mention London to a barmaid last night and asked if I knew Muswell Hill as he‘s a huge Kinks fan and was going there soon.Not only that but I told him which tube & bus to get up there...See? International relations.They should put me in charge of the Brexit negotiations...

At the moment i‘m watching Storage Wars dubbed into Deutsche while hearing freight trains rumble past the window.Think i‘d better visit my „“local“ for the last time.Bottles of Becks at two Euros a pop.These Turkish bars know their audience...besides it’s the only place I can get a signal to post this!

Tomorrow I have a four hour train journey to Leipzig.It will be my first visit to east Germany besides Berlin,which is a law unto itself, and i‘ll be interested to see the difference between the old east and what us oldies knew as West Germany back in the day...

Laters boys and girls...

Goodbye Bremen hello Mannheim...

It’s tough leaving a place you’ve just found your way around but that’s the nature of the beast...I liked Bremen a lot and will no doubt visit again.If you’ve never been try out Das Viertel area east of the City.A Little bit sleazy & a little bit arty farty...or if you like your fairy tales Disney rather than Grimm(Original Grimm that is,and they were) then visit Schnoor.It looks lovely but I couldn’t help think what the reality of living there was a few hundred years ago though....anyhoo don’t go between noon &4pm cos‘s it‘s rammed...

As I was leaving there was a row between a couple of guests and the landlady.I have no idea what it was about but they seemed to patch it up as she went into the kitchen but I presume she had a German equivalent of „“ nah fuck this“ and came flying out of the kitchen and kicked them out!  I even heard a „“raus“ in there which was very satisfying...I liked it there but i‘m not German who,god bless em‘, can be picky buggers.I enjoyed my early morning smokes with the chambermaid in the garden.Niether of us spoke each other’s language so we communicated via gentle coughing...

The train from Bremen is about five and half hours. We had an engine failure ( yep even in Germany) which made it six hours.Luckily they handed out free water cos’it was sweltering hot.I made a balls up at Bremen station though. The platform indicator said there was a 2nd class carriage right at the end of the train so being a smart arse I thought I’d steal a march on the other plebs by steaming down there to get on...it was the bike shed.No problem I’ll just work my way through the train...nope cos the bike shed was full of bloody bikes and the remaining seats were full of their bloody owners travelling from Hamburg to Cologne...damn.As it happens there was one seat in the bike shed so it was fine.I found it highly amusing that at every stop one of them came to see I hadn’t buggered off with a bike.They took it in turns much as the old Leeds team shared out bookings...if you ever travel by train down towards Stuttgart from Cologne get a left hand window seat cos’ from Koblenz onwards the train line hugs the Rhine river and it’s stunning... you also go past thousands of acres of vineyards too.

Got myself sorted in Mannheim pretty quick. I’m actually staying in Ludwigshafen, which is the city across the river.It’s probably more of a suburb but I wouldn’t dare tell a local that.I even saw a road rage incident whilst sitting outside a bar...to be honest it was’nt much but the word “scheisser” was used so that counts doesn’t it? It’s the first time I have seen anything like it in Germany.Particulary involving a van & a cyclist.In London That would just be a friendly greeting.Anyway Nobody lost face so no problem... 

Tomorrow I need to find a place showing English football.Spotted an Irish bar by Mannheim hbf so That’s probably my best bet...Also saw a tram that goes to Heidelberg and have that’s worth a visit...

Till then auf Wiedersehen munchkins...

Ps Sorry about the seemingly random use of capital letters.I have switched my phone keyboard to Deutsch mode for any sexy umlaut usage I need and they put capital letters all over the place.

What is Bremen?

Bremen’s an unsettling place.Not in a nasty brutish way but in a classic movie trope „“it‘s quiet Jim,too quiet“ Most cities have a back ground noise,be it traffic,construction or just babble from people walking the streets.Bremen doesn’t seem to have any of that.At the moment i‘m sitting in a beer garden(naturally) in a street lined with bars and I can hear them washing up in the cafe across the road...like I said unsettling.                     

However it‘s a nice place.Very chilled & relaxed.The people seem well off in a non showy „“musn‘t grumble „“ kind of way.Even the beggars seem nice.One‘s Just taught me the correct way to pronounce Euro in German.The patronising bastard...even though Bremen is comfortable there are still social ills because,well y‘know,people live here and people ain‘t perfect.Some of us tend to fuck up occassionally.Like most big cities the down & outs gravitate towards the main railway station ( I suppose the airports are too far out) Bremen’s no exception but it‘s pretty mild compared to some.I had a walk round yesterday and apart from a few bored looking kids hanging around & a couple of spaced out junkies there was nothing of concern.  

Bremen is not a tourist place really.There‘s some like myself just arsing around for a few days but that’s about it.It‘s noticeable that most of the signs are only in German rather than multi lingual like Hamburg or Berlin.That‘s good for us non native speakers as it forces us to at least work things out ourselves.My German is improving slowly but only really to ask questions.I get stuck on the answers though and have to ask them if  they speak English.Really I should be embarrassed but fuck it i‘m a tourist and embarrassment went south a while back...In a bar for a couple of drinks last night and it was only when I went to leave a few locals said „“you’re English?“ I don’t know if they were taking the piss or unbelievably stupid in a Homor Simpson „“ Mel Brooks is Jewish!?“ kind of way.Anyway it cheered me up...

Anyway I like Bremen.It‘s chilled and not up it’s self and that‘ll do for me...even if it is unnervingly quiet.

World Cup 2018...An in depth look at the teams...

...or a lazy ass cliche ridden blog full of tired stereotypical rubbish.

Group A
========
Russia:  Probably the worst team to host the World Cup.Putin might be able to manipulate the rest of the planet to bend to Mother Russia's will with his KGB cunning but even he can't make the team any good.Expect them not to qualify and nobody to care less...

Saudi Arabia: Friend of the West and all round horrible regime.I know Jack shit about them football wise except that Wolves once had a Saudi player named Sami Al Jaber who was reported to be the Steve Bull/Alan Shearer/Roy of the Rovers of the desert...he was'nt.Might beat Russia in the opening game though...

Egypt: Mo Salah Mo Salah Mo Salah...That's about it.Will qualify to next round owing to crappiness of Russia & Saudi Arabia and the goalscoring exploits of some fella who's name escapes me...

Uruguay:The official name of the country is "Oriental Republic of Uruguay" fact fans.Which i think is rather beautiful.Another thing that's beautiful is that the country has gone from being the most brutal military regime in South America(which is saying something) to the most liberal,least corrupt and downright likable places in the world.They also have a pretty good football team too.They will qualify with ease...

Group B
========
Portugal: Current European champions and Wolves fans crush could go far if Ronaldo does his stuff...This will probably be his last international hurrah so will want to go out with a bang.Wolves fans will be watching all their games like they would an edition of The Price is Right...


Spain;Just sacked their manager on the eve of the comp starting.Seems an odd decision but this is Spain so i don't really expect as much disruption to their style of play or their effectiveness.Like Ronaldo this will be Iniesta's swan song and don't be surprised if he ends up holding the cup aloft.It would be a fitting end to a wonderful career...

Morocco; More Wolves interest here as our own Romain Saiss is one of their top players...With the Iberian peninsular brothers seemingly fighting out the top two spots one of them could take their eye off the ball and let Morocco in through the back door.Bit of a dark horse tip there.Shame they're in a tough group...

Iran: The game the whole world would want see is Iran v Saudi Arabia but there would have to be some monumental fuck up's in both groups for that to happen...

Group C
========
France: One of the favourites.Whisper it quietly but France seem to be a settled squad at the moment.No in fighting,total harmony.However like the sexy but volatile married couple from over the road you know they're only one bottle of Bordeaux away from an entertaining stand up fight that livens up the summer barbecue...

Australia; The one thing all English fans can agree on is for God's sake don't let Australia get good at football! If they hammer us at Cricket & Rugby we can just shrug it off as the natural order of things but not football...for fuck sake not that.Still got Tim Cahill playing for them who's as old as Methuselah's dad...

Peru: Great to see Peru here along with their snazzy strip.All us old farts can remember them in 1978 when they pissed on Scotland's chips in spectacular fashion(It was against Peru that former Baggies winger Willie Johnston was found with his jagged little pill and sent home) Got a good chance of qualifying out of the group...

Denmark:Take Christian Eriksen out of the side and...well they have an Ipswich player in the squad for Chrissakes...The Danish for "Dour" is "Dyster"They may even out dyster Sweden but i doubt it...There was a time when the Laudrup brothers played beautiful football for them but now they're functional at best...and worst.

Group D
========
Argentina: Untold riches going forward with Messi etc but midfield & defence a little ordinary.Might go far or might implode...won't be dull though.They need a bit of that Maradona madness about the place...

Iceland: Everyone's favourite minnows. A population of 300k and 2million tourists.Got two ex Wolves players in the squad so that'll be of interest to some of us fans.We'll also get to see how the fans do the "Thunderclap" properly rather than our half arsed attempts at Molineux...If they had a feel for early British 70's pop they'd all change their names to Newman...

Croatia; They're currently nearing the end of their own "Golden Generation"and like England's GG they have basically failed to deliver.There fans will be lively though and the powers that be have kept them away from Serbia which is probably a good thing,but a boring good thing...

Nigeria: May create a bit of a splash.Will certainly provide a lot of colour especially green & white.I love watching Nigeria play cos' they can be a bit mental and that's always great fun...All at Wolves should wish them well after their gesture of making Wolves goalkeeper Carl Ikeme an honoured 24th member of the squad after being diagnosed with leukemia...

Group E
=========

Brazil; Lord knows what state Brazilian football's in.They have some fine players but they owe their fans big after getting a 7-1 twatting from Germany on their own turf in the last WC semi final.Will the pressure to deliver the goods be too much for them? Need Neymar to actually play football throughout rather than be a petulant showpony...

Switzerland; What can you say about Swiss football?  Well "Meh" springs to mind...No mugs for sure and their club sides have done well in European comps lately but...well it's hard to get excited about them is'nt it?Don't be surprised to see them getting through the group though cos' they'll be hard opponents with an excess of meh...

Costa Rica: Shock winners of their group at the last World Cup and a decent enough team.Could sneak into 2nd spot in probably the hardest group to call...

Serbia: Players from the Balkans usually have some mad ball skills along with the occasionally mad moment...their game v Brazil could be one of the matches of the World Cup both on & off the pitch as their fans are always...er...let's say boisterous shall we?  One of my favourite ever Wolves players was Serb Nenad Milijas who still plays for Red Star Belgrade.So there...

Group F
========

Germany; Here we go.World champions.Nearly always do rubbish in pre comp friendlies then turn it on when the competition begins properly.I have no doubt that will happen again.Can afford to leave players like Sane & Gotze behind...bloody hell imagine if we left players of that calibre out of the squad in England? Anyway may well go on and win the thing again which will no doubt result in lots  of tired  old WW2 references in the British press...

Mexico; Raul Jimmanez is Mexico's striker and he's just signed for Wolves...that's all you need to know really.We'll be supporting them too and hoping they get to the qualifying stage if only to see our man in action...

Sweden: No Zaltan no party.I never really liked the fella but there's no denying he's box office and with him not selected Sweden look a bit bereft of anything approaching a match winner.Much like Denmark & Switzerland it's all a bit "Meh" Will be solid in that indefectible way Scandi teams are.Instantly forgettable but in a nice way...

South Korea:The good Korea.Well until Trump decides his new bff deserves to get a bigger slice of the Korean peninsula that is...been a decent team for a while now with their star player Son at Spurs.Most of the others seem to play in the local or Japanese league and i don't have a clue how strong they are...on that basis probably won't get out the group...

Group G
=========

Belgium; Most of their players play in the Premier League so we know them very well.An excellent group  but also could be suffering from GGS(Golden generation syndrome) This could be the last chance for a few of them...Beer & mayo on chips.What's not to like?

Panama;Hats! Canals! Shafted by USA in 1903!  Sorry that's all i got...potential banana skin opponents,which is handy cos' bananas is a staple export...

Tunisia;Another potential banana skin(This is a tricky group honest!) Third of the North African teams at the world cup and all of them are pretty decent...hope you all notice i'm getting my England failure excuses in early here? Again pretty ropy on Tunisia football wise but i can recall tough battles with them in the past.Might be an idea to stay away from Twitter before,during & after the game.There will no doubt be a lot of reactionary bollocks aired...

England; Not as bad as some England fans are making out but nowhere near world beaters either.Defence is a weak point as it's been for many years...got a feeling the final game v Belgium will be crucial and no doubt lazy journalists will dub it the "Battle of Brexit" Lazy bloggers will do likewise...

Group H
=======

Poland: We could play Poland in the next round...it's not a major tournament if we don't play Poland at some stage.Always a tough nut to crack with some very dangerous players.As England has a large Polish community it would be an interesting clash to say the least.Looking at their group i expect them to qualify with relative ease...

Senegal: The last African team involved.Remember their last world cup when they turned France over?  Yea that was funny...probably won't do anything as exciting this time but you never know...Everyone was after Senegalise players then too.Wolves even got one in Henri Camara...

Columbia: Looking at their squad it's rammed with players at top sides in Europe...should qualify to knock out stage.Once again expect allusions to cocaine to be on commentators & journalists lips when discussing Columbia cos that's all we know in our ignorance...hopefully there will not be a repeat of 94' when Escobar was murdered by a cartel for scoring an own goal...

Japan: Finally Japan.They have a fair few players plying their trade in Bundesliga 1 & 2 so i'm guessing they're all at a decent level...like many of the teams at this world cup it's really hard to gauge how good or bad they are until they start playing.In other words i'm padding this out cos' i don't have a clue what i'm talking about...


Have a great world cup all...