Nail bar! Nail bar! I wanna take you to a nail bar!

...ok I don’t but walking around my temporary area of residence in Düsseldorf the bastardised version of that song sprang into my noggin and besides my nails are in perfect condition,cuticles an’ all ...There’s loads,maybe eight or ten within a five minute walk.Back home in London many of those nail bars are a front for human trafficking and modern slavery with poor,young vulnerable Vietnamese women the victims.I hope that’s not the case here but fear it might be...

Being a part time Anthropologist(well ok I know a few people and even like one or two of them) I was excited to learn that Neanderthal is only about Ten miles out of  Dusseldorf .It had never really occurred to me that they were named after a placed for some reason...anyway it’s a pleasant enough village but like it’s namesake it’s a bit dead...maybe they should rename it Neanderthal Parkway...incidentally Düsseldorfians( huh?) seem to be an attractive lot so don’t know if any of those Neanderthal chromosomes passed down through the generations or not,after all there was some evidence of cross breeding.If so maybe they weren’t as ugly & stupid as we’ve painted them...

Today I went across to Wuppertal (a name that just rolls off the tongue) It looks an interesting town and I may well spend some time there in the future.The real reason for going was to ride The Kaiserwagen.A suspended mono rail that goes through the town centre.I’d seen it on YouTube and was intrigued.It looks like something Fritz Lang would put in his film Metropolis.As this was built before the film maybe he was inspired by this very thing.The whole thing is weird,it looks wonderful and the ride is surprisingly smooth especially when it gently sways likea hammock in the breeze...if you’re ever around take a trip.Only 20 mins out of Dusseldorf.It’s good fun plus a little bit of history...

Anyway Boys & Girls this is my last full day in Germany and it’s back to London tomorrow on the Eurostar train out of Cologne(via Brussels of course.Why they can’t do a direct service I don’t know) As I popped out to Netto to grab some breakfast there was a young girl shooting up in the hotel doorway.A little reminder that no matter how stable & prosperous a country is there are always some that slip through the cracks and have their own demons to exorcise...I spoke to her a bit & gave her the few Euros I had on me.I hope she’s ok...

Well it’s been a cracking month.Met some great people and been to some fantastic places.Learnt a few more things about this great country and also about myself.Especially Don’t be afraid to make a complete chump of myself with the language.I also learned that German wasps (Wespen) are no different to British ones.Absolute bastards...

Anyway see you all on the other side of the tunnel and as they rather oddly say over here.Ciao.

I hate Germany*

*I don’t really of course.I love the place and that’s the problem...I look around me tonight,a monday night remember, and all the bars and cafe bars are packed.The streets are full of people doing people things...so what’s wrong with this? Nothing at all but it makes me think what my country has become in a lot of ways.Take London’s tourist & trendy quarters out of the equation and there’d be nothing happening tonight.The bars would have three locals in staring into their pints and a bored barman trawling twitter and the restaurants would be putting the chairs on the tables hoping that one couple trying to reconcile their marriage would fuck off soon so they can all get an early night...this is probably being replicated everywhere in the country as I write this...

Now of course I’m in Düsseldorf,a well off city in a well off country but the restaurant I’m in is situated between two main roads going out towards the suburbs miles away from the hubbub of the lively Altstadt yet it’s packed and that’s probably being replicated everywhere in this country too...there’s things going on here which just aren’t in Britain and that saddens me...

I’m immensely proud of my hometown Wolverhampton.It was never gonna be the centre of the universe but when I was living there until 1981 there was always something going on,the pubs were usually busy most nights and the streets were full of shoppers during the day.Whenever I go back now it’s empty apart from when there’s a football match on( thank god for Wolves!) It was a weird place full of fantastical local characters but all that seems to have died now.The shops are boarded up and the streets are generally empty aside from Matchdays...even though I don’t live there I want it to go back to what it was, not some empty shell of a place where a lot of people have no hope of improvement in their city.Cos’ the people of Wolverhampton don’t deserve what’s happening to them.They’re hard working,creative and blisteringly funny.I never laugh as much as when I’m with Wulfrunians...caustic,nasty,sarcastic,tough as old boots Wolves humour...

That death rattle is happening to every small/medium sized town/city in the UK but as far as I can tell not here in Germany.There must be a reason for this.I’m sure Germany has the same social problems we do...Maybe it’s just down to a simple fact that their people haven’t been fucked over by self serving shithouse politictions at gov’t & local level for forty years and actually have the good of who they represent at heart and act accordingly..,

Sorry about this blog I felt pissed off seeing what Germany is and comparing it to what we could be...it’s makes me angry.But not at Germany.At my own country...

Düsseldorf; It’s a bit rich...

I don’t mean that title in a disparaging way and it’s certainly not a slight on Düsseldorf.Nothing wrong with being rich if it’s earned and to say otherwise is childish & churlish...the city looks expensive.The sort of exspensive that doesn’t need to display prices in shop windows...on a monday afternoon the street cafes are rammed with well heeled,well tanned ladies of a certain age who all smell fantastic.Walking past is like walking through Beatties perfume counters with the sense of smell of a jungle cat.There are Shops round the Back of Altstadt that Probably only sell one item a week but that keeps em’ going.So yea there’s money here and even the scruffiest appears well turned out...even the place where I’m staying by the hbf is relatively well appointed whereas those areas are usually the pits of most places...

Düsseldorf  Altstadt is the touristy spot.Not sure they get too many mind but even so it’s the place to go.Plenty of Bars many selling the local pride and joy Alt Bier.I suppose an expert on beers would be able to describe the taste in adequate words.To me its like a sharp strong dark lager that’s only served in half pint glasses,not because they think it’s too strong but because it’s easier to serve and you don’t wait so long to get one...don’t be a dick and ask for a pint cos’ you’ll be met with very short shrift.

I always find it surprising which immigrants find themselves to which particular city,like the Italians in the West of Scotland for instance.Here it seems to be South East Asians.I’m guessing South Korean for the want of more info.For what it’s worth my conjecture is that a lot have settled here after initial family members set up in Hamburg and began a mini migration further south later on...

Düsseldorf stands out for me from other German cities I’ve visited: Lack of graffiti and lack of cyclists.Maybe that’s the link.All cyclist are also all the graffiti artists.Graffitsts if you will...

I have been lucky on this trip to rock up at some decent guest houses.Nothing spectacular of course as all I want is somewhere to shower in the morning and sleep at night but all fine in their own way and  for a month paying through the nose I definitely could‘nt go to the luxury end of the market but all places have been a solid 3/4 out of 5 with no shit from any of the owners.This one In Düsseldorf is probably the best yet despite being on the 4th floor(stairs!) it’s a good last week of a great month...and now I have to start saving again.Hopefully we‘ll still have freedom of movement around Europe for a while yet although looking at the clowns in charge of our Brexit negotiations anything can happen...oh bit of politics to finish there!

Got five days left here so until the next blog cherubs it‘s au revoir...

Berlin; Ugly sexy...

Sounds horrible to call a city I love ugly but that’s what it is if you look at it wrong.True there are one or two beautiful old buildings dotted about but nothing out of the ordinary to be honest.The ravages of two relatively recent significant world events I suppose...but be that as it may It’s sexy as hell,sexy in a not-even-trying kinda way.A natural sexiness.Just fucking cool I suppose... I have yet to see what would be classed as a hipster knocking around the place.Berliners don’t need the fakery of that cooler-than-thou sub sect‘s time warped vision.Berlin still has some buildings with bullet holes.They don‘t need to invent anything... with Berlin the sexiness is effortless.

I‘m staying in what I presume is a bog standard Berlin neighbourhood,a combination of pleasant middle class life and urban sleaze.The bar i‘ve adopted As my local( pleasingly the barmaids know what I want to drink without asking.All I need is a pewter mug behind the bar to go full gammon) is opposite an U-Bahn Exit and i‘ve Seen more drug deals going down in the past five days than a year in a Wolverhampton pub...there‘s also a couple of massage parlours over the road too,but mixed in with all that are young families all happily going about their business whilst allowing those with less stable lives go about theirs...and as a stranger passing through I feel perfectly at home here and perfectly safe...

In fact the only time I have felt slightly worried about my own safety in what is my third visit here was on Wednesday night.The U-Bahn i was getting home decided to stop their service and kick everyone off. I didn’t have a scooby where I was and it was 11-30pm.Time to check up on the local bus and see if I recognise any names on the board.Luckily I did.However four Russian lads turned up pissed up & angry and began kicking lumps out of the bus shelter.I thought it only a matter of time before they fancied something a bit more fleshy to use as a football so it was a case of „“TAXI! Get me out of here pal...“ I must stress I wasn’t threatened but could see the way things might progress and as they say discretion is the better part of valour...not a great story but maybe it highlights that having spent nearly two months in Germany over three years this is as close as i‘ve got to a violent incident...

Stairs!  There I’ve said it.Sorry to shock you all...they’re everywhere and I’ve come to the conclusion that’s the reason not many Berliners are overweight.Obviously public transport has them in spades.Yes there are lifts in the stations but it’s a bit embarrassing trying to share one with three stressed mothers with pushchairs just cos’ you’ve had a drink and can’t be arsed walking up one flight...the real reason Berliners are so slim is the fact that there are no houses within a radius of about twenty miles so everyone lives in six story apartment blocks with no lifts.Berlin is like SIM city gone mad in that respect.As my friends will testify when we stayed in the top loor of one a few years ago that’s some trek a few times a day,enough to keep you as slim as Keith Richards on a slim fast diet...not being svelte like myself I’m a little jealous but take consolation in the fact their knees are all buggered...oh and they all cycle too and probably take a lot of drugs.So there’s that as well...

I‘m off to Düsseldorf on Sunday morning but once again Berlin has filled me with joy.It really is a tremendous city and hope it never loses its sexiness...

On a practical note for any first time visitors out there.Never welch on buying a Transport ticket and always validate it.I have had mine checked six times in five days by inspectors and seen them haul off four people for not having a ticket or the wrong one.So don’t risk it.The fines are heavy( about 70 Euros)

On a brighter note ,when you get on an U-Bahn station get BVG free WiFi.It works well down there and I go onto a platform sometimes just to check my phone...so if you need to read a works e-mail telling you Jim from accounts is nicking stationary that’s the place to go...

 

Laters alligators...

(Backup) Am i in Leipzig Or Logan‘s Run...

Sometimes I feel a lot younger than my years.I see other blokes my age and can‘t see it...I can’t see we have that arbitrary thing in common.Then sometimes I come to a place like Leipzig and think „“Jesus you’re an auld fucker“ It’s nothing Leipzig‘s done to me at all it’s just that everyone seems so young.So...Logan‘s Run with Jenny Agutter and that posh bloke who’s name escapes me cos‘,well, you know,Jenny Agutter...Mannheim,whilst being perfectly nice & all that,is Cocoon by comparison...maybe all the East German youngsters are gravitating to here rather than Berlin cos‘ of expenses and what Berlin is seen to have become by many locals...or maybe,and this might be a bit of a killer for many in the west of the country,the east will eventually take over due to it having a much younger population... 

Walking round Leipzig today and it began to look a lot like many other German cities and I was starting to feel a bit cheated( cos‘ it’s all about me) then I slipped down an arcade,then another etc. All these sexy hidden arcades with great shops & hidden bars...who doesn’t love an arcade? Even when packed you feel as though it’s there just for you.One of them opened into a street full of bars.It‘s my favourite...

Don’t think this place is cheap.It‘s not.Ok compared to London prices it is but that’s an unfair comparison to make.Certainly in town the beer/ food prices are on a par with Bristol say and this place has that kind of aura about it...I know I found a place flogging bottles of Bud( that’s Budvar,not the well marketed swill called Budweiser) for 1-50 Euro but that‘s out in Leutzsch where i‘m staying...i hope Leipzig never makes it onto the tiresome Brit Stag & Hen Party schedule.The place is too good for that and being between Berlin & Prague would probably be It’s saving grace in that respect... besides Berlin has the pull & Prague the cheap beer that may save that unedifying fate... 

I was gonna say something smartarsey about the architecture being typical Austro-Hungarian but actually did some research(yay Google Chrome) and the Habsburg empire never got this far.However there are some beautiful neo Georgian buildings around.They might even be Georgian.All those fuckers were related anyway...A few of the areas on the outskirts have a faded beauty about them and sadly some of those wonderful buildings have been left to crumble...Gonna get a one day travel ticket tomorrow and have a good old mooch around these places...

There does seem to be a small smattering of tourists around but like Bremen & Mannheim before these appear to be mostly fellow Germans.English is rarely spoken here so hopefully that’s another thing that keeps it off the Stag & Hen Party circuit...

It’s probably a big fault of mine but if I see anyone over 55 my first instinct is „“I wonder if they were Stasi?“. Shameful I know but I can’t help it! I’m sure none of them were.They all look so lovely *cough* If any locals read this maybe check all the ages of the local Neighbour Hood Watch.That might be a clue...

This is probably my last blog from Leipzig(Christ this is my third from here!) I‘m off to Berlin in a few days...I‘ll be surprised if I can find anywhere to watch Wolves thrash Man City on Saturday although there’s a sports bar next to the RB Leipzig ground but not hopeful( of seeing the game.Obviously we‘ll give City a football lesson)

Bis bald peeps...

(Backup) Leipzig;First thoughts...

If you come to Leipzig by train don‘t look at the multiple chain shops on the Hauptbahnhof concourse,all German mainline stations have basically the same things,no,look up at the building surrounding the fast food & cigs you like merchants.It‘s simply stunning.A cathedral to when train travel was still in it‘s infancy & probably seen as a luxury rather than a solid foundation of a country’s infrastructure...if you want to make a statement to new visitors Leipzig then you’re going the right way...

Another way is to have friendly locals...I knew which tram to catch so after a quick smoke went to the ticket machine on the platform and picked my ticket but the machine would‘nt take my note.A local woman tried to help but no go,then with a laugh she said „“Englisher go to a bar for change.You all drink“ which is pretty rich coming from a bloody German! But I defied the stereotype and got some water and she was still there when we met again she said „“Water? What kind of Englisher are you?“  l liked her,she made me laugh...The machine wouldn’t take my change either so was obviously busted but not after she’d roped in three other people to help this useless tourist.All happy to do so I must add...

Got my tram and even got off at the correct stop.Which is unusual fo me.Did‘nt have a scooby where the street was though and asked a couple...i‘m getting less self conscious of asking locals for things in German now...they didn’t know but shouted over to another couple across the street who pointed me in the right direction.Christ i‘d only been in the town less than an hour and eight people had gone out of their way to help me...i don’t care how much of a cynical bastard you are that’s gonna make you look favourably on a place...the hotel‘s fine.Think i pissed off the chambermaid as I solicited a few tuts off her but i‘ll win her over with my natural wit,charm or money...

I‘m staying in an area called Diakonissenhaus(yea that’s fucking easy for you to say) which is a bit run down but I have found an Aldi,laundrette( have to visit that soon) and, after fifteen minutes walking,one bar..,However bottles of Budvar are one Euro fifty so well worth the search.Think I have found my local cos‘ 1-50 a Budvar,There’s nowhere else round here and did I mention 1-50 a Budvar?

I like Leipzig already and I have seen nothing of it yet...

(Backup) Mannheim: Where the streets have no name*

There‘s a district of Mannheim called The Quadrant which is the main area of the city and it‘s true that there’s no street names only a letter/number combo...*in fact there are a few street names in the Quad but that wouldn’t fit on my headline and would have considerably altered U2‘s seminal song in the process...It seems like a weird idea but I suppose it works...

Mannheim is a lot bigger than i expected and also a lot busier too.Walking round the Quad on Saturday afternoon there were a lot of people about doing their thing.I don’t know how this area is viewed by the rest of Germany but it looks pretty prosperous to my eyes.There are plenty of expensive looking shops as well as a shed load of jewellers along with many cafe bars.Incidently I have yet to visit any city in Germany that has a „“dead“ look to it.My hometown has that look unfortunately.As much as I love it and am proud of my heritage i‘m afraid it has the look of a town that’s dying on its arse but I have yet to see any city in this country that has that death rattle  aura about it...

 

Even though i‘m a Brit I rarely discuss the weather in these blogs,and yes,I know i‘m a disgraceful ambassador for my country because of that so I hope this little bit will redress the balance and keep me out of the tower...it‘s hot! Phew what a scorcher! And all that.For the five days I have been here it‘s been 30 degrees daily without a hint of rain( it actually looks like we may get some today.Still horribly muggy though) I think the north had a bad time of it recently.As you travel on the train between Essen & Bremen the tens of thousands of acres of maize are just dead in the field.Brown & lifeless.Horrible to see...and my legs are still Lilly white. 

Mannheim and Ludwigshafen are cities split by the river Rhine.As far as I know there‘s no animosity between the two,which is a bit of a surprise( I can’t be arsed to get my Google head on and do any research.I’m not a journalist)Mannheim is far from the cliched German chocolate box image.Just a regular post war industrial city.Ludwigshafen however is definitely It’s ugly sister.Both solid working class areas I think it’s the least English I have heard in any German city yet...i‘m staying in Ludwigshafen and none of the local shops & bars I have been in have spoken English.It‘s fun.Causes me to try to make myself understood which usually ends up me throwing some German words around hoping some of them stick much to a combination of amusement & horror to those on the receiving end...although my English came in handy when a local overheard me mention London to a barmaid last night and asked if I knew Muswell Hill as he‘s a huge Kinks fan and was going there soon.Not only that but I told him which tube & bus to get up there...See? International relations.They should put me in charge of the Brexit negotiations...

At the moment i‘m watching Storage Wars dubbed into Deutsche while hearing freight trains rumble past the window.Think i‘d better visit my „“local“ for the last time.Bottles of Becks at two Euros a pop.These Turkish bars know their audience...besides it’s the only place I can get a signal to post this!

Tomorrow I have a four hour train journey to Leipzig.It will be my first visit to east Germany besides Berlin,which is a law unto itself, and i‘ll be interested to see the difference between the old east and what us oldies knew as West Germany back in the day...

Laters boys and girls...